Fragile Tough Girl
by Someone Who Knows
Summary: As far as I was concern, my hands clapped neatly against each other. But did guilt really rely on physical proof? It made more sense to have guilt rely on feeling. And if that was so then my actions held me prisioner and I didn't know how to escape.
1. Sunny Days And Rain

**Chapter One**

_**Sunny Days And Rain**_

I hope you're ready, because I'm about to tell you the story of my life. More specifically, the exact moment my life got so messed up. I'm not even sure why I'm even writing this, but I guess I want the whole world to know my story. This was not a 'taken lightly' decision. It took several tossing and turning nights to come up with what I exactly wanted to say, and I'm writing it because I will probably miss all the details if I talk it. So let's stick with good old pen and paper, ok? Yeah? Good.

Everyone thought they knew me. Everyone thought they could read me. But I got a surprise for you. No one can read who someone is based on first appearance and with me it was never the same game twice. So then, why was it so easy to get to me?

Let's turn the spotlight to the most important person in my life. Me. My complete name is KitKat Sarah Curtis. I have many, and I mean many nicknames. Kitty, Kit, Kat, Kitten, Kittay, Kittay Katty, Curtis, K, KC, etc. But let's just go for Kitty, because I like that one the most. My middle name 'Sarah' was granted to me in honor to my mother.

I have long, lustrous mahogany, dark-brown hair. During the summer, the sun bleaches some of my hairs and turns them into blonde highlights. In the winter, the sun does the same, but they turn into shiny red-hairs. I have large eyes colored with a special shade of Bondi blue. Most people describe Bondi blue as being practically blue-green, but if you ever had a decent box of crayons you will find that Bondi blue is not blue-green. It doesn't even look alike. I have long and delicate eyebrows, which I always raise in sign of 'you gotta be kidding me'. I'm almost as tall as my oldest brother Darry, with long legs and a delicate and petite figure. Darry stands at 6'2; I stand at 5'9. Perfect body? No freaking way. No one has a perfect body, not even those high-pay models. I have no perfect curviest hips. I would have to add a few pounds for that and maybe be shorter. I enjoy being thin, and if that means no curves or whatever then let the boys suck it. I'm not here to please anyone physically.

I have a penetrating look on my face, one that can manage to be both angelic and fiercely at the same time. Oh how I enjoy giving dead looks to people I don't like. I'm direct, optimistic, giggly, and a smart-mouth. I ignore other people's advice when it doesn't directly benefit me and do things my way. I have low sense of conscience over my wrong-doings. That means I don't give a fuck if what I do is wrong. I don't like to take life too seriously. After all, we are all going to die someday. I would rather one hundred times more die in a worn out body, with bruises and obvious signs of physical deterioration, and shout 'what a ride' than to arrive at the grave in a perfectly preserved body. Meaning I rather be wild and suffer the consequences than play it safe and miss it all.

If I had to chose one word to describe me that would charismatic. All the way. People like me and I like people, unless they are socs and jump greasers, those are the exception to the rule. I'm very intuitive and have a perspective of the world that is too complicated to explain, because I know most people won't agree with me and since I'm not up to satisfy anyone but myself, I see no point in discussing that matter. However, thanks to that, my friends search for sympathy and advice in me. I am not kidding when I say I solve everyone's problems but my own. You can ask them if you want to. I'm the only freaking voice of reason in this gang and that pisses me off at times. But Steve is slowly learning from me, so go Stevie!

I have low levels of self-control and I'm not as strong as I wish I was, but who cares? I enjoy the ride. No, that doesn't mean my brothers are overprotective. I do what I want and suffer the consequences on my own and they let me be. Of course I would never do anything that would get me in police trouble. That's why I got the boys to do it for me. Don't get me wrong, just because I don't like to have my brothers over my back doesn't mean that I don't like their ultimate attention. I LOVE attention. Because in my world, everything is about me. And yeah I get pretty upset when people don't take me into account. Call it self-centered if you want but as Marianne Williamson said: "who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Who am I NOT to be?" But enough about me has been said. These are the need-to-know basis because as I go on with this piece of words, I don't want to be judge as something I am not. So here it is. A little piece of something to call mine. Enjoy the ride.

* * *

When I first got the news, something inside me busted and unconsciously, I knew, nothing was ever going to be the same. Not many people realize that your whole life can change in a matter of seconds. The worst part about it all, you never know when it's coming. We never appreciate something enough until we have lost it, and it's unfortunate, but that is the only way we learn.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.

"You're kidding me! She really said that?" I almost yelled in joy into the phone. It was a Sunday morning and I was talking to my best friend. "True as it can be. I was like 'bitch, go fuck yourself, I am not here to change my ways for you'." Two-Bit said from the other side of the phone using one of his famous voice imitations. I bit my lower lip to avoid bursting into uncontrollable laughter. I failed. "I don't believe you." I said between giggles. "Well you better, bitch. I thought you knew by now that this boat ain't taking anybody's crap." I rolled my eyes.

I looked around me to make sure nobody was listening and got closer into the phone. "So, did you at least get the chance to fuck her before or…?" I asked in a low whisper that only the person at the other side of the line and me could hear.

I could hear laughs at the other side and I wondered who else was in the room aside from Two-Bit. There was a long pause and I figured he was trying to shut them up before he answered me. Just as he was about to answer, my mother walked into the kitchen. "Hang up the phone. It's time for dinner." She said.

She turned around and I groaned. "Hey Two-Bit, I gotta go. Dinner time." I said. Just then, a bunch of more laughs burst out loud and I couldn't help but smile. "Um, okay Kitty. Eat something yummy for me. Bye." "Will do." I said and hanged up the phone.

I sighed and walked towards the dinner table. I took my usual seat next to my father on the right side and waited patiently for Ponyboy to get there and for my mom to serve. "Ponyboy, stop reading that book and seat down properly." Mom said as she placed into the table spaghetti and meatballs.

After saying grace, I winced in disgust as I saw the pigs I got for brothers literally dig into the food. It always made me sick, sometimes sick enough to not find my own appetite. I gulped as I took the first bite and slowly eat my way through the plate. The table was strangely silent and I couldn't help but feel paranoid that it could be something I did or something I didn't do for that matter, though I didn't recall anything that might have been considered bad.

After I was done, I excused myself, picked up my plate and placed it in the sink. It was Darry's turn to wash dishes and I was glad I could escape into the sanity of my own room. I lay down in my bed staring at the ceiling. I replayed my conversation with Two-Bit over and over, trying to figure out what it had been that I felt when he spoke of his now ex-girlfriend.

Jealousy, perhaps? I scoffed at my own silly thought. Me, having a crush on Two-Bit? On my best friend? The simple idea seemed completely ridiculous. He was my best friend, for crying out loud. I did not had a crush on Two-Bit. Then why the jealousy that had turned to relief? I rolled my eyes and turned to face my windo.

I stared into night sky filled with shinning stars. I smiled at myself. They where so pretty. I was dazed by them. Every time I looked at them it seemed as if they where smiling back and shinning so bright just for me. I stared and stared until I finally let the heaviness of the night absorb me and I fell into a deep sleep.

The next day the bright light from the sun glanced through my window and caressed me with its warm touch. I frowned as the light started to hurt my eyes. I turned around and rubbed my eyes, sighing happily as I regained full consciousness and stood up. I walked over to the bathroom humming absent-mindedly. I locked the door behind me and turned on the shower. As I let the cold water run free, I stared at my reflection in the mirror. "Pretty self." I said pleased with what I saw, even though my hair was a mess and I was still in yesterday's clothes.

The water was fresh but it was the coldness that completely relaxed my muscles and made me feel good again.

I didn't take long. I usually just get in and get out, but there was something about today that had to make me relax. I wrapped a towel around me, once I was done, and walked towards my room to put in whatever it was that crossed my path. I fixed my hair nice and neatly and winked at myself in the mirror once I was done putting on the usual makeup.

I walked over to the living room to find my dad going in and out, carrying things into the truck. I followed him outside. "Mystery trip you forgot to invite me to?" I asked. He chuckled. "I'm taking your mother for a romantic picnic up in the woods." He said winking at me. "Okay then, in that case I won't take my lack of presence personal." I said winking back.

As I walked back to the kitchen, I saw Soda and Pony talking to my mother and taking in a direct 'no' for whatever it is they had asked her. I chuckled and almost as unexpected as being stroked by lighting, they grabbed my arm and pulled me into their conversation. "What?" I asked setting my arm free. "We want you to help us convince mom to have a party here tonight with the gang." Soda said with a hopeful smile. The p-word alone grabbed my curiosity. "Party you say?" I cracked my eyebrow, a trick I had learned from Two-Bit himself. Soda nodded impatiently. I looked from him to the kitchen and back to him. "Hey mom!" I called as I walked towards her.

From the corner of my arm I saw him throw his arm up in victory. "Yes, dear?" She asked as she placed the last peanut butter and jelly sandwich into the basket. "Can we have a party tonight? Not a big crowd, just the gang." I said a little quickly the first part and making my best puppy dog face. She raised an eyebrow. "Did your brothers put you up to this?" She asked. "Um…" I searched my head for an intelligent answer but before I could find one, she continued. "Whatever. The answer is still no." She said grabbing the basket and making her way up to the front door.

I sighed and turned around, following her. "Oh c'mon mom, you can trust us. It's not like we'll do anything dirty." I said with a cheerful voice. She turned around and eyed me in disbelief. I couldn't read her expression and it somehow scared me, though I couldn't guess why. "You mean like the way you behave with your friends?" She said. My smiled faded and my expression was a mixture of confusion with a hint of anger. I folded my arms. "What's that supposed to mean?" I said. Suddenly, the whole room went silent and I could feel eight pairs of eyes on me that where not my mother's. She took a deep breath but her expression didn't change. "I heard you, on the phone, yesterday. I heard the way that Mathews boy was talking to you and the way you where talking back." She said.

I had to bit my lip to prevent myself from bursting into laugher because I knew I would if I didn't. Relief ran through my veins and I couldn't help but smile. "No mom, you got it all wrong. He was talking about his girlfriend-" And it hit me. The feeling of laughter and amusement faded as I made sense of what she had just said. "Wait. You where listening to my conversation with Two-Bit?" I asked in anger and frustration. I didn't believe it. My own mother was spying on me. And now she was giving me shit because she had not understood the information right. What the hell?

"Well, someone had to do it. It's not like you behave properly or act your age and gender." She said. I wanted to yell at her. I couldn't even describe how completely angry I felt. I felt betrayed. She had completely violated my privacy. "From what I heard there was sex involved." She added as if to make it look worst for me.

"I was talking about his girlfriend, mother!" I almost shouted. It was starting to get ugly and the boys around me could sense it. Dad walked out the door to the safeness of the car slowly, trying to prevent anything from setting our tempers free.

"I don't care. This conversation is final!" She wasn't listening. She never did. Everything that didn't go her way made her mad and I was sick and tired of that attitude. She followed my father out the door. "Oh no, it's not!" I said to myself. I was done. She was going to hear me this time. I was not going to stand around and listen to her judging me.

"You know just as well as I do that this isn't about Two-Bit or the conversation!" I said determined for her to listen to me once and for all. She turned to look at me. "You're right." She said. "It has to do with you not acting your age or _gender_!" My mom's voice was low but there was disappointment in her voice, like she couldn't believe I was her daughter. I stood in place.

"Well I'm so sorry I'm such a disappointment to you." I said. My voice was breaking and I could feel that. She stood at one side of the car. She didn't look at me. She couldn't look at me. I looked at her with pain in my eyes. There was a silence hanging between us. I could feel the inside of me boiling up.

_Say it mom, please say it. Tell me I'm not a disappointment. Tell me. _But she didn't. She didn't! She just looked down. The rage was starting to get me. Soon I found myself conquered by anger and sadness and I couldn't take it. "I hate you!" I yelled.

She looked down and walked around to the other side of the car. The door slammed shut and the engine burst alive. The car started to drive away and I could feel the anger and sadness taking over me.

It's amazing how words can affect a person's life. If they hurt you, they will forever echo in your mind and no matter how much you try to ignore them, you just can't. They are like a chain that holds you prisoner to your past and memories. You can't set yourself free.

I had never had the best relationship with my mother. We both had very strong personalities and the clashes where strong and powerful. She had very different ideas of how I should be and since I didn't agree with her points of view, I wasn't giving her the satisfaction of tracing who she wanted me to be. Sure, she was a loving woman but if you weren't one hundred percent like she wanted, she could get so controlling. And I rather die than give anyone the power to control me.

I just stood there, staring at the floor. Her words where echoing in my mind and I was trying very hard not to burst into tears. When I finally gained control over my emotions and not only had I not shed a single tear but also felt stable enough to not count on it, I turned around and started to walk into my room. I shot the door behind me and leaned on it. Six pairs of eyes where staring at me.

Soda was the first one to walk over to me. He stood next to me and pulled me into a tight hug. Five seconds later, he was joined by Darry and Pony and though it felt comforting, I couldn't stand it. I pulled their arms away from me and took one step away. The three of them had probably been too scared and frozen in place as to do anything when it had mattered. Now it was too late. All I wanted to do was lie down in my bed and pray that sleep would conquer me. What a morning.

But no matter how appealing that sounded, all I really wanted to do was get out of my house. Maybe go for a run or something. Whatever helped me clear my mind. "Could you move please?" I hadn't realized how small my voice sounded. It annoyed me the moment I heard it. Though they looked at me confused, they obeyed.

"Kitty, are you okay?" Darry asked. I turned to look at him, doing a hell of a fine job entrusting my expression with indifference. "Yeah." I lied. "I just need to go for a walk. I think some fresh air will do me good." I said. "Do you want some company?" He asked just as I was about to open the door. "No, I really think I need to do this alone." I said and walked out.

I didn't know where to go. I didn't care either. All I wanted to do was clear my mind. Have something distract me. I turned to glance at my house before I busted into a run. Running had always cleared my mind. Mainly because I always concentrated on increasing my speed. I thank God for being competitive.

I ran and ran and ran. I wasn't paying much attention to anything else. The only thing I was conscious of was the ground I was running on and the wind that messed with my hair as I did so. Then, the memories of the morning event started to invade my mind. One by one. It was giving me a headache, not to mention it made me want to cry…again. Fuck.

That was, before I stumbled upon something or someone and was dragged back to the real world. "Ouch! Watch we're you're going, bitch!" Yep, definitely a _someone_. I stood up brushing the dirt off my pants and turned around to see who it was. "Oh, hi Kitty! Sorry about that. I thought you where one of those fucking socs." The girl said. I recognized Angela Shepard sitting on the shadow of a tree. "I'm sorry, Angel. I didn't see you." I said.

She smiled. "Yeah, you seemed quite into it." I was looking around me, becoming fully aware of everything. "Distracted too." She added. I turned to look at her in reaction to her words. "Oh, right. Sorry." She eyed me suspiciously. "Is there something bothering you, Kit?" She asked. "Um…" I was trying to think about something to say. I didn't feel up to talk about it with anyone. "You can tell me. You know I'll listen to you." She said. I eyed Angela for a moment. To hear those words coming from her mouth only meant that she really meant it. Angela Shepard didn't give a damn about anyone that wasn't really her friend. If she really cared about you, you could consider yourself lucky. "C'mon." She said, patting the ground, motioning for me to sit next to her.

I sighed. Oh well, I guess it couldn't hurt, right? Wait no. It did. It could hurt. The words where still burning into my skin and the memory was still making its way through my mind and getting rid of any sane thought that I had ever had. It was me alone against my past.

I sat down next to her and closed my eyes. I didn't want to look at her straight in the eye. If I did, I would see her staring at me, waiting rather impatiently for me to speak and then, because I knew you couldn't say no to Angela, I would have tell her. Fuck my life.

I started to count the seconds that our, well, my uncomfortable silence was lasting. But I should've known better. I opened my eyes so quickly it could have scared anyone that was staring directly at me. I was doomed. If I didn't close my eyes I would have to tell Angela but if I did the memory would play in my mind over and over again. Either way I couldn't escape from it. I groaned.

"Well?" Angel said with an expected impatient tone. I turned to look at her and sighed. "My mom." I said. She chuckled and nodded in understanding. "It's always the folks, right? That get on our nerves." She was smiling like an idiot, like she was trying very hard not to laugh. I, personally, didn't find it amusing at all. Maybe that was because I had the problem, not her. "Well no. I mean, yes, but I have never had a fight like this with her. Sure, we argue and all, but this time, things got way out of hand." I said placing my left hand over my eyes and sighing deeply.

Angela was looking at me with interest and clear curiosity in her eyes. "What did you do? What did _she _do?" She asked. I turned to look at her, trying to hide my incredulity. Was that all she thought about? The argument itself rather than the reason behind? The what instead of the why? I had to level with her. I guess when you came from a broken home you have this need to know if other people have it in worst or better. That's the only way to either make yourself feel better or have another reason to hate the world.

I rolled my eyes. "I told her I hated her." I said. Hearing those words come from my mouth made me feel like the biggest asshole in the whole planet. It made me feel guilty too, ashamed. A feeling I did not like to feel. I was too proud to feel shame. That only made me grudge at the thought.

Angela looked at me with pleased eyes and I could have sworn I saw a small smile on her face. "Well, do you?" She asked. No matter how indignant I was starting to feel at her lack of sympathy, the girl had a valid point. I asked myself the same question. Did I? 'Cause it seemed like I did when I yelled at my mom this morning. But did I _really_ mean it? Or was I just acting out of anger? It took me a moment to figure out my answer.

"No, I don't _hate_ her…I don't particularly _like_ her either." I scoffed at my words and even managed a small smile. Somehow, it set a huge weight entrusted upon my back free when I came clean and speak with honesty. "But she's my mom. No matter how many times she gets on my nerves, I can't just yell at her like that. I held some sort of respect for her, ya know?" I said.

I looked down, staring at the grass and wishing for a moment I could go back in time and never agree to Soda's request in the first place. Damn him! Damn time! Damn me! Damn everything for god's sake! We where silent for a moment and I was urging to break the silence. It only made it worst. But I couldn't continue to talk about it either. I was so messed up. Shit.

Finally, Angela stood up and turned to face me, fixing her tight black skirt as she did so. "Piece of advice, Kit. Never let anyone try to control you. You are who you are. That's something no one will ever be. And if they don't like it, the rest of the world can go fuck themselves." She said and held out her hand for me. I took it and turned to face her. The difference in height and age was now very clear. Angela was what? Thirteen, give it or take a number or two. She was younger than Ponyboy, so yeah, maybe I was right.

"Until then, go back from where you came from and make it clear to anyone, even your folks, you are you." She winked at me. I couldn't help but smile. Not because of what she had said, though that had a little something to do with it, but because I wouldn't have to listen to her or talk to her anymore. Such relief. "Farewell, for now." She said and turned to walk away.

I rolled my eyes and groaned. I had just hit down bottom. Okay, so Angela's talk was _nice_, for lack of a better word, but _I_ didn't take advice from anybody, especially not from a little girl. I was, as I said, too proud. Maybe that was my fucking issue and the reason I got into so many problems. I kicked a rock forward and walked back from where I had come from. Even so, Angel was right. I was who I was. Everyone else _could_ go fuck themselves. I smiled at myself. I'll just apologize to my mom and leave it all behind me, and everything could be good again…

…Little did I know, it would never be.

By the time I was on my street it was dark. I didn't seem to have the guts to come home yet so I just wondered around waiting for time to pass. I was fine, not completely better, but as though nothing had happened.

One step in front of another was how I made my way towards my house. As I got closer, something caught my eye. A police car was parked across my house and I could see the red and blue lights flashing, illuminating the entire place. What the…?

I started to run towards my home, going at full speed to find out what the whole mess was about. Maybe Dallas had gotten into trouble, or Steve, or even –and it was not highly impossible- Carson. But then again, they where parked across _my _house. If either of my friends was in some sort of police trouble, they wouldn't come looking for them at my house, now would they? Wait, yes, they would, because half of them practically live there. I shook the thoughts of my head. I really didn't want to drive into conclusions that would only eat me from the inside with worry when I didn't even know the reason why the police where there.

Before I could go for the door, one of the cops stopped me. "Hey miss, wait up." He said. I turned to look at him with surprise. "Identify yourself." He said. I cocked an eyebrow and folded my arms in superiority. "Is that an order or a suggestion?" I said with mock in my voice. "Do you know, miss, that I can detain you for forty-eight hours without reason?" He glared at me. Oh, shit. "Right…" I said unfolding my arms and managing a nervous smile. "I'm sorry. My name is KitKat Curtis and I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable." I said. Somehow, I always have to mock, be sarcastic, or make comments to feel in control, if I'm not in control, I feel vulnerable and I hate feeling vulnerable. Once again, stupid pride.

The cop raised an eyebrow and took out a bunch of papers. He went through them quickly, eyeing me at times and then returning to his evening lecture. "Yeah, the Curtis girl." He said mostly to himself and without taking his eyes off the paper. I half-smiled and sighed. He folded the stack of papers and turned to look at me. He managed a fake smile. "We where waiting for you." He said. I made the same gesture. _You should._ I thought.

Inside, two other cops where sitting in the couch drinking some coffee. Darry was sitting in dad's armchair while Soda and Pony where sitting across the cops. I frowned for a moment, trying to make sense of what was going on. "What's going on?" I asked as I stepped slowly but fiercely into the living room.

The cop sitting on the left side of the couch stood up to shake my hand. "Good evening, Miss Curtis. I'm Lieutenant Strauss. Please take a seat." He said. I eyed him with suspicion but did as he said. I walked towards Soda and Pony and sat to Soda's right. He placed his arm around my shoulder gently. We waited patiently for the cops to talk. I could feel the heaviness in the air. Lieutenant Strauss took a deep breath and looked at each of us. _For the love of all that holy, just get on with it!_ I thought in annoyance and almost yelled it, if it hadn't been because I still had a last drop of respect in my blood.

I will never forget his words.

"I'm afraid to inform you that Darrel and Sarah Curtis passed away this evening." Suddenly my heart dropped. I couldn't believe my ears. Then, her words repeated in my mind and they where a million times more loud and damaging than they had been all day. _"Well, someone had to do it! It's not like you behave properly or act your age and gender! From what I heard there was sex involved!" "I was talking about his girlfriend, mother!" "I don't care! This conversation is final!" "You know just as well as I do that this isn't about Two-Bit or the conversation!" "You're right! It has to do with you not acting your age or gender!" "Well I'm so sorry I'm such a disappointment to you!" _

If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels; and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it. But if I where to describe it, in the simplest terms it feels like a kick in the stomach and a punch on the face, a knife stabbed across your heart and a mock behind you, seeing your entire world coming down and being held tight without being able to do anything about it. You feel completely hopeless. Like the shadows of the night have incarcerated you in a place cold and without happiness, no such luck as to find the light again.

I felt a sudden urge to punch the lieutenant. I turned to look down and gasped for air, just like if I was drowning. A pool of my own remorse. All I could think of was one thing. _Why me? Why us? Damnit! Why us? _So what did you mean to do, destiny? Punch me or scratch me? Or a bit a both? What did you mean to teach me? What did you gain from this death? Was I being tested and failed? Whatever the reason was I was angry at life.

They couldn't tell me this. They couldn't just burst into my house and tell me a big fat lie about my parents being dead. But it wasn't a lie, and I knew it, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself otherwise.

And my house fell into a burst of pain. Like an electric shock had been sent through it. Ponyboy started to cry. His cries were painful. Desperate. He was being tortured by emotion.

Soda let got of my arm and held Ponyboy into a warm hug, slowly rocking back and forth, telling him everything would be okay. My older brother's tears where silent and I could see the pain in his eyes. I turned around from that sight. My eyes looked around the room until they finally laid on Darry. He was looking down. His mind miles away. I was frozen. I didn't know what to do.

I close my eyes tight, waiting for all of it to go away. I could feel the heavy silence and pain on top of me. I was no longer in my living room. I was looking to hide within my fantasy. But no matter how hard I tried or how much I ran, there was no place to hide. Every where I went, I felt their presence. Like an unseen force that held me within their touch.

I gasped for air one more time. Three words echoed in my head as the last memory of my mother. _"I hate you." _And those words will hunt me forever until they finally catch up with me.

Be careful with your words. They truly are the worst weapon ever invented. They truly are hell.

That was the last thing I ever told my mom. And I will never get to apologize.

My mind began to wonder around. I remember last night and the night before and the night before. How happy we were. How much alive my parents where. How I didn't ruin my mother's last memory of me. I opened my eyes once again. And reality hit me with its best shot. My parents were dead.

* * *

**Note From The Author: **I've decided to re-do this story because, as a true writer, I feel I could do much better and go into greater detail of what happened. By the way, this story is based on an Outsiders blog. www(dot)kitkatcurtis(dot)blogspot(dot)com. If you want to check if out and find out about the new characters more deeply. Enjoy!


	2. I'd Grow From All The Pain

**Chapter Two**

_**So Wise To Tell Me I'd Grow From All The Pain**_

I had the weirdest dream last night. I was stuck in a scenery so completely gloomy. The atmosphere was intense. Heavy. With dim sadness and pain hanging by a thin line. I was alone in a room. Darkness around me, dragging me within its shadows. It was cold. I could see my own breath frozen whenever I gasped for air. But I felt comfortable, almost as though I liked it here.

I looked around but there was no way out. Just a tiny light that seemed so far away. I fought to set free, to reach for the light. I wanted to see what was on the other side. But with every step I made, something dragged me back to my own comfort. Something didn't want me to see what was on the other side. I didn't care. My curiosity was too strong. I ran towards it. Every step, placing physical pain on me. But I still didn't care. I had to make it. I had to see what was there.

I got closer and closer. Until I had to stop. I was being held to the grown by an unknown powerful force. I frowned in confusion. Just a few steps more and that was it, but there was an invisible wall blocking my way. Fuck. I started punching and kicking it, trying to set me free. I was desperate.

It took one strong punch for it to break and two seconds later, the bright light covered me up. I had to close my eyes and get down, or else it felt like the light would suck up whatever was left of my sanity. I waited for all of it to pass. I was scared. I didn't want to see what was around me. I should have stayed in the comfort of the darkness. Now I know what they meant by the quote "Curiosity killed the cat".

Then, a gentle early October breeze caressed my body and it felt secure to look up. I stood up, much too quickly but I was able to keep my balance. My living room greeted me with an air of familiarity and comfort. I looked around me with intense curiosity at why I was there. I didn't really mind but I was slightly disappointed it hadn't been anything more adventurous.

But then it hit me the time and place at which I was standing. It all appeared before me in the spur of the moment. I could see my brothers frozen in place. I could see my father leaning against the wall, trying to prevent himself from making any unwanted noises that would heat up the atmosphere. I could see my mother standing there, holding the picnic basket, with an expression that was hard for me to read. Hard because I had never seen it before. And I could see myself, standing defensively. I could see the pain in my eyes and the anger portrayed by my body. I could see my crystal blue eyes forcing the tears back and my expression hiding any slight hint of feeling.

As I became more aware of the situation and had analyze every little detail that I hadn't been able to notice before, the scene started to play like a backstabbing memory taking over my head.

I watched closely. I could feel the pain start to overtake my body. I gulped as I followed my mom and myself out of the house for the part that hurt me the most. I couldn't do this. Not again. Not in my dreams too. Mom shouted and I shouted back. I tried to ignore it, cover my ears so I wouldn't hear anything, but every time I tried, something just forced me to deal with it. I didn't want to deal with it. It had happened, yes, but couldn't it just let me go on with my life? Did I had to go over the pain countless times because life thought of it as some sick game? Fuck it.

The conversation was getting aggressive. The atmosphere heavy. I wanted to cry. I tried to wrap my arms around my head but they where forced down. Out of personal sanity, I screamed. "Stop!" The memory instantly froze. I could feel tears going down my cheeks. I walked to get between me and my mom. I looked at both of them. Strong women whose feelings where being crashed. I could see the pain in both of us. I walked towards my mom, taking slow smooth steps, careful as to not disturb anything. I reached with my hand for her cheek and once I touched her warm face, the memory played again. _"I hate you!"_

An electric shock shot up and around my body. In a matter of seconds intense pain covered me up. It was like burning fire inside me, slowly tearing up my insides. My heart above all. I screamed. The scene disappeared and I was left alone in the darkness, cringing in absolute pain…

My eyes snapped opened. I was back in the comfort of my bed, my room, my house. I stood up, leaning onto my pillow. I took long and slow breaths. It had all been a dream. Just a dream.

I whipped the sweat off my forehead and turned to look at the alarm clock. It was seven thirty. I wonder why neither of my brothers had woke me up or why hadn't the alarm clock gone off. I sighed. It didn't matter. I was up now and I had to get ready for school.

I closed the bathroom door behind me and took a long cold shower. When I was done, I wrapped myself around a towel and made it back to my room, not stopping to gaze at my reflection like I always did. Somehow, my vanity was not on the mood today. I grabbed whatever piece of clothing was in front of me and fixed my hair into a ponytail. Nothing special, just dark blue eyeliner and pink lip gloss.

As I walked towards the kitchen, I had a sudden desire to sneak peak into my parent's room. I was feeling so weird. I walked towards the room. It was locked, but that didn't stop me. I opened it slowly just to find no one was there. That didn't really surprise me. Mom and dad are always up before me, so I just walked towards the kitchen. But it was empty. I was starting to have a really bad feeling.

"Mom? Dad?" I called. No one answer. I frowned. Goosebumps travelled through my back but I ignored them. "Mom? Dad?" I called again louder. No…one…answered.

And then, it hit me. Last night. The news. The tears. The pain. It wasn't a dream. I felt all type of emotions circling around me. Pain, anger, disappointment, jealousy, fear, frustration, sadness… I leaned against the wall and sat down, placing my hands on my head and closed my eyes, trying to shut down all emotions. I felt my head wanting to burst. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down.

I could feel tears wanting to form in my eyes but I forced them back. I didn't want to cry. What was the use in crying? Huh? Crying wasn't going to bring my parents back. Crying wasn't going to erase that memory from my head. And crying was sure as hell not going to make everything okay.

But I let myself take quick and deep breaths to feel better. That was the least I could do. And then, I felt an arm wrapping itself around my shoulders. I didn't want to look up. I didn't want anyone to see me. I wanted just to be left alone. "Kitty. Its okay, honey. Everything's gonna be okay. I'm here for you. We all are." Dawn's gentle and low voice covered me up and made a second of this shitty life a little bit better. Then it went back to a living hell.

Dawn Cade, Dawnie Poo Princess. She's the middle Cade. She has big light blue eyes and a dark tanned face. Her hair is rich jet-black, long, straight and lustrous. She stands at 5'5 with a very small build, even for a girl. Her expression is sweet and friendly but she can be fierce and mean when she wants to. She's the type of girl that could brighten anyone's day even if she couldn't brighten her own. She's nice to the people she cares about and believes that despite whatever happens everything will be alright. "When the night is at its darkest hour, it means dawn is just around the corner." Her name was her. She was light. She was hope. She was Dawn. But she wasn't the type of girl you could manipulate. She was as stubborn as trying to push the water from the ocean back. It would go on and on. You couldn't change her mind and her sarcasm was present whenever she felt annoyed. I don't think you'll ever find another person that is half as hyper and silly as this crazy lady. And boy she had such charisma, everyone seemed to like her. I guess that's just one of the many reasons she's been my best friend since forever.

I shivered. I am such a liar. No, I didn't want to be left alone. I leaned closer to Dawn, letting her hold me tight and hug me. I was in desperate need of a hug. She rubbed my shoulder and hummed. I had my face well sank into her stomach.

I let the seconds pass. It felt good to be in someone's arms, even if the cause was unpleasant. But as time went on, it started to feel… wrong. Suddenly, I didn't want to be hugged. It was like I couldn't stand being hug. I stood up quickly, without giving Dawn any chance to let go. I leaned against the wall and looked down.

"Kitty? Are you okay?" She asked. I turned to look at her, making my best effort to keep my face expressionless. I couldn't make up the words. I just stood there, contemplating my surroundings, in a zombie state. I looked down again and closed my eyes for a second. What do you think, Dawn? My parents just died. There's no way in hell I'm okay.

"Yes. Don't worry, Dawn, I'm fine." I said forcing a small smile. "Really?" She asked with genuine concern in her eyes. No Dawn, not really. "Yes." I hated lying to her but somehow I couldn't get myself to say what I really wanted to say. It was like at any sign that I might be vulnerable, I had to automatically toughen up so nothing could hurt me.

I have always been a really good liar. When I want, I can convince anyone of whatever I want. I can trick people into doing what I say, believe what I say. I can lie and get away with it. But at that moment, I was wishing so hard that Dawn didn't believe me. Sometimes you build walls to see who cares enough to break them. I wanted Dawn to break mine so bad.

"Okay, then." She said in a more cheerful voice. "Come Kitty, we made you breakfast." She grabbed my hand and led me towards the dinning table. There, sitting very quietly and patiently where Steve, Jamie, Brooklyn, Johnny, and Two-Bit. I couldn't look at Two-Bit straight in the face. Not with what had happened yesterday. He was sitting next to where I usually sat and for a moment wished someone would move so I could sit anywhere but there.

But no one did, and I sent no signal that I wanted them to. So I sat down at my usual place and stared at all the food set in front of me. I looked at Dawn who looked at Brooklyn and Jamie. Brookie smiled at me and Jamie pulled out mom's old cookbook. I couldn't help but smile. It was a nice gesture.

I gulped as I stared into the plate that Brooke had placed in front of me. I wasn't hungry. My emotions where too unstable that I knew if I ate anything I would surely throw up. But I didn't have the heart to tell them. I guess I just had to suck it up and deal with the consequences later.

The table was silent; rather very unusual for all of us. All that could be heard was the sound of forks hitting plates. No one dared say anything. No one wanted to say something wrong. No one wanted to make the Curtis' feel worse. But the silence was making it unbearable. I guess all I wanted was a good laugh. Whatever to make me forget about reality for a moment.

I took small bites of ham and eggs and swallow hard to avoid the taste. I was hoping that having everyone so caught up in their own silence, wouldn't notice. But as I took each small bite, I could feel Two-Bit's eyes on me, possibly waiting for me to acknowledge him. I was trying really hard to avoid his gaze. I never dreamed I would ever say this but all I wanted to do was be invisible.

It was pretty fucked up when a girl that had ever only aimed for the spotlight suddenly feel like hiding under a rock and let the whole world pass her by unnoticed.

The shower went off and I figured it was Darry. It's just something about the way he does things that makes me know it's him. Besides, there was no singing coming from the bathroom, meaning Sodapop just couldn't be there. And Pony usually got in and out just as fast.

He came by ten minutes later, grabbed a plate, and sat down at the head of the table. "I thought you were going to stay at home today." He said rubbing my shoulder and smiling. The others looked at me. Thanks Darry, really, thanks. Excuse me, people, but I'm not a freak of nature, so stop staring. I sighed and pretended not to see them. "Um, well I rather not miss a day of school. I have some things to catch up with and stuff." I lied.

Truth be told I wanted to distract myself. Anything that could get me away from the reality of my life would be a blessing to survive through the day. I really just wanted to get out of my house, even if that meant going to school. Ugh.

Darry nodded, rubbing my shoulder and kissed me on the forehead. "What about you?" I asked. Dumb question. I mean, it was obvious he was going to work today, but I was in such an urge to start a conversation that anything would be acceptable. "I'm going to work. But I'm having second thoughts about it since someone needs to stay and babysit, in this case, Pony and Soda."

Darry started to work at the beginning of the semester. We had been hoping to put him through college this year but mom and dad hadn't been able to afford it, even with the scholarship he'd won. He claims he doesn't mind. That it is just a small bump on the way. But I know that behind the tough guy image and his cool, it is really killing him. I really wish I could help him. He deserves more than what he gets.

Which just made me realize something that I hadn't given much attention to. What was going to happen to us now that we where... I couldn't find myself to say the words… orphans? I didn't want to think about that. No more depressing thoughts. I would think about that when I had to. Not before. Sometimes waiting for the pain is worst than the pain itself.

I chuckled and smiled at his comment. The first real smile of the day. I could just see Soda complaining about how he didn't need to be babysat and the whole gang laughing at him. I agreed with him. I wouldn't like to be babysat at my age either. "Well, Soda's getting mighty big to be babysat, and he could take care of Pony. He's done it before. It seems like none of them is up to go to school." I said.

"Hmmm…" I said losing interest in the conversation. I wish Soda would go to school with me. I didn't want to go through all this alone. I wanted someone by my side that was going through the exact same thing I was going through. Someone to talk to that would understand the meaning of the words 'It's the end of the world in my mind'. Someone that would not give me their sympathy because they felt bad for me but rather because they knew exactly how I felt.

Darry seemed to notice my change in mood. He placed his hand over mine and I turned to look at him. "Kitty, I mean it. You don't have to go if you don't want to. I can call you in too if you want." He said with a kind smile on his face. "No, thank you, Darry. I can do this." I didn't let myself think about it because I knew that giving the option enough thought would make me change my mind. I didn't want that. I might regret it later but it was my decision.

Darry sighed. "Okay then. Hurry up. You don't want to be late." He said patting my back. I got up quickly and grabbed my plate. I threw out the remaining food and placed it on the sink. Dawn grabbed my things and handed them to me as we walked out of the house.

The walk to school was silent, well, at least for me. Dawn had her arm around my shoulder and holding me close. She wasn't saying anything, which made me completely grateful. I wasn't in the mood for talking. Johnny and Two-Bit had taken Jamie and Brooke to their school and Steve was walking slowly behind us.

Brooke and Jamie are in still in middle school. Brooke was in seventh grade while Jamie was in eighth grade. The rest of us are in high school. Ponyboy was the only one in ninth grade. Dawn, Car, Blair, Johnny, and moi are in the tenth grade, while Jelly, Steve, Sodapop, and Two-Bit will forever stay as juniors. Well, only Two-Bit, the other two seem to be likely to graduate.

When we reached school, I was immediately attacked by the rest of my friends and an uncomfortable amount of hugs.

Angelica Winston, or as I like to call her and am the only allowed to, Jell-O, is Dally's younger cousin. She has wavy smooth light brown hair with blonde highlights. She has big and chocolate brown beautiful eyes. Her eyebrows are long and thick. She's 17 years-old and stands at 5'6. She's a nice and sweet girl that always has a smile on her face. Can you imagine a person who has a friendly and unfriendly look in her face at the same time? No. Well you better imagine it because that's how I describe Jelly's. When I first met her I thought she was really hard to impress, but that's not true. She's a little shy but really gentle and always willing to have fun. Something I love in all my friends. She also takes the title of best friend next to Dawn and I would do anything for her. She used to date my brother Sodapop when they were 14 or 15 but they broke up for unknown reasons. I have never asked her. They are best friends though. Good for them.

She was the last one to give me a huge bear hug. I guess she was waiting patiently for last so that hers could be the best; and being the judge of it was. I could barely breathe.

When she let go, she smiled at me and placed some of my rebel brown hairs behind my ears so that my face could be seen. I wouldn't have minded if I wasn't determined to be invisible. I had to give her credit, though, this way my hair didn't annoy me.

We walked to the inside of the building.

School went as far as school can go. I sat next to Dawn in homeroom, waiting for the usual morning announcements that take around twenty minutes of each Monday to greet us into a week of solitude and dealing with each sudden improvisation of a teacher's way to get us busy. But before I could get comfortable and start daydreaming like I always do, Ms. Evans asked me to come forward.

_Now what?_ I thought as with no emotion in my face and lack of interest I walked towards her desk. "Mr. Cleaver wants to see you in his office." She said in a much too high voice. I guess you can all imagine what happened next. The room fell into a sudden burst of 'ooh' like it was funny or something. I didn't turn to acknowledge their primitive reaction. I wasn't in the mood to deal with immature teenagers. I just rolled my eyes I walked out.

The corridors were empty and there was the same heaviness in the air as in my house. I guess I couldn't run away from that, but at least, the atmosphere here was a little bit better. I rather deal with psychotic lowlifes from school than deal with my life. At least for the moment.

I wondered what on earth could the principal want me for. It was the beginning of the week for Pete's sake. There was no way in hell I could have gotten into trouble in the five minutes that school had started. Unless of course you consider 'portraying lack of interest in the school activities' a federal crime.

Maybe I'm being a little modest on my school behaviour. I get in trouble, yeah, and probably share the school's record for ultimate prankster with Blair, Carson, and Two-Bit but what's so wrong about that? I ace most of my classes and commit myself to the academic and athlete life. Sue me for making the dull day a little bit better.

I opened the door that lead to administration. A door I have walked through many times for 'improper comments to an adult made from a teenager that questions and defies the authority' or as I call 'sharing a citizen's opinion and promoting freedom of speech'. It feels almost as a second home. I can't help but smile at myself. Second real smile of the day. That's good.

I looked over at the tiny secretary sitting behind a desk much too big for her. I wait for her to acknowledge me but she keeps on writing in her typing machine. Excuse me. Am I invisible? I roll my eyes at the irony of the question. Never mind.

I cleared my throat and she looks up at me, raising an eyebrow in annoyance and not stopping the constant movement of finger against key. "Yes?" She asked. I try my best to smile but fail. "I was called into the office. Something about Mr. Cleaver wanting to see me." I said. The tiny secretary looked down at her paper. More movements of fingers against keys and no sign of interest towards what I had just said. This was so annoying.

Finally, she spoke. "Go in. He's waiting for you." She said with no emotion in her voice. There is one thing that pisses me off about secretaries, their lack of enthusiasm in their work. I mean if they don't like their job they can always get another one, or at least make it more pleasant to other people whose fault it isn't that they're unhappy.

I walked towards my principle's office, opening the door as if nothing had happened. I was starting to figure out a reason why he might want to see me. That I didn't want to see him was another matter entirely. If this wasn't anything concerning behaviour it only led to one thing. Shit…

There were bunch of papers everywhere. In his desk, in the bookshelf, on top of the filling cabinet. I would go mad if I had that many killed trees in my office. Mr. Cleaver turned to look at me from the paper he was working on. He smiled at me welcomingly and I smiled back slightly for minimum courtesy.

"Good morning Miss. Curtis. Take a seat please." I did as he told me. I kept going on and on in my mind about how much I really didn't want to be here. Anywhere else but here. I didn't want to talk about my 'personal issues'.

Every second made the thin line of sadness and pain hanging on top of me heavier. I was waiting anxiously for him to speak and for me to lie and nod. I played with my fingers in nervousness.

"How are you feeling?" He asked. I mentally rolled my eyes and spoke "Fine." The word was empty. A silence in the air. He sighed. "Miss. Curtis, KitKat, the state police department notified us of your family's sudden lost." I stared at him wishing I could make a run for it.

"My condolences." He added quickly. I looked down for a moment. If he truly felt bad for me, he wouldn't be making me go through this right now. Maybe a month or two later, when it didn't matter anymore.

"How are your brothers?" I looked up at him. "Fine, I guess." I babbled. "If I may ask, why did you decide to come to school today? Your interest in school is remarkable but I understand this isn't an easy time for you and shouldn't be worrying with school." What is it with people asking me that? I wanted to come to school. Is that so hard to understand? I didn't want to stay at home. Geez. It was my decision, okay? Stop interrogating me about it.

When I didn't answer, he continued. "My advice to you, KitKat, would be to take things lightly this week. Your teachers and I understand and we think it would be better if you missed school for a couple of days until things at home are better." I looked over at him, frowning in confusion. Wait…What?

I don't know why what he said made me feel so mad, but it did. I have never had an excellent relationship with my teachers. I wouldn't doubt that the majority disliked me but this seemed like an indirect statement to miss school because no one wanted to deal with me. I wanted to scoff but didn't for least due respect.

I turned to look at the man sitting in front of me. I really wanted to punch someone in the face.

"With all due respect, Mr. Cleaver, I rather not. I don't want this situation to interfere with my life and priorities." I said. My tone was harsh. I sounded annoyed and inpatient. I felt like I was dealing with a lack of logical sense in this freaking town.

Mr. Cleaver sighed, but he didn't push it. He's not an idiot. "Very well then Miss Curtis. You're always welcomed here. However, I strongly condemn that you talk with our school counselor Mrs. Foley. She will help you with whatever you need and be there to listen to you. Have a nice day."

I stood up and got out of the office. The sudden rush to get me out after I denied his offer was clear. I would've shot him a glare if I hadn't had one last drop of respect for him.

Counselor. I almost laughed at the idiotic idea. So not going to happen. This is where I drew the line. I'm not going share my feelings with some psychotic bubble-head that will only nod and say 'And how do you feel about that?'. I rather die a million and one deaths than making some freaking stupid adult understand what I'm going through. Sure, they all tell you they understand you and they won't judge what you say. You're free to express yourself in any way you want. Ha! Guess what? That's EXACTLY what they do. I rather rot in hell than go see that woman.

I looked clock as I stood in the middle of the hallway. Fuck. I was late for stupid math class. I hurried through the hallway as fast as I could without busting into running mode. I opened the door slowly to the classroom and was suddenly grateful Ms. McKinley had her back to the class. I could hear whispers and mutters as I walked quietly to my place and sat down.

"You're late, Curtis." Ms. McKinley said without turning back. I rolled my eyes. Like I cared. "Yeah, I know." I answered back without any slight hint of interest.

As I started to daydream, someone tap my shoulder. I turned to look at Dawn who handed me a note. I took the tiny piece of paper and unfolded it.

"_What was you-know-what about?"_

I rolled my eyes. Couldn't she wait till later when I was in the mood to have a decent eye-to-eye conversation? Either way, I knew that if I didn't answer it she would continue to pass me little notes or tap me in the shoulder to annoy the hell out of me. I sighed and answered.

"_Ugh. Cleaver just wanted to know how I was doing." _

I folded the note and handed it back to her. The teacher turned around to face us and started to ask random students to stand up and answer her freaking problems. Dawn threw her paper ball into my desk to avoid suspicion.

"_For real?"_

The student sat back down and Ms. McKinley turned to write another equation.

"_I had the same question, but yeah. Though there was more to it. He wanted me to take a break from school."_

I tossed the note to Dawn slowly. I waited for the teacher to turned around and choose her victim but before I could see, my friend tap my shoulder and instinctively, I turned around, forgetting the main rule in the art of passing notes. Never turn around to face the person you're talking to.

"Curtis." The dragon lady said. I closed my eyes tight and sighed for a second. Dawn looked at me with a nervous smile. "I hate you." I mouthed the words. As I turned around I made an effort to draw a hypocrite smile on my face. "Yes, Ms. McKinley?" I asked innocently. The teacher eyed me coolly. "What's the answer to the equation?" I turned my attention to the board. I had to bite my lip to prevent myself from laughing at it. She was crazy if she thought I knew the answer to her little pathetic problem.

"I dunno. Something to do with numbers and letters." I said. The room burst into laughter and the teacher glared at me. What she want me to do? I really didn't know the answer. She sighed and wrote something on the notebook she had laying on her desk. I rolled my eyes. Frankly, I didn't care what she wrote about me. I knew I wasn't acing math. I was lucky to be passing it. I didn't understand it.

It was two more periods before lunch started. I had never been more relief in my entire life to hear the sound of the bell. I gathered my things and aim to go went directly to my locker, but as I exited the classroom, I could see from the distance Two-Bit standing besides it. I groaned. God is he a stalker.

I walked the other way towards the cafeteria.

The cafeteria is divided in three sections. The west wing, where all the popular socs sit with all their fancy lunches and 'decorated' tables. They actually placed tablecloths over the tables! I mean what the hell? The east side, where all the greasers sit and it actually looks like the poorer side of the cafeteria. And then there is the middle.

Sometimes I think the middle class are the ones who are actually lucky. They hang out with the two groups and they never get jumped or beaten by either one. They are the pacifiers, the ones that had immunity to our problems and arguments.

I walked over to the east side, getting glances from the socs as I moved over their tables but too distracted to actually care about them and sat on the table, Dawn, Jelly, Evie, Steve and other greasers where sitting in. I sat down next to Steve and rested my head on the table. I moaned and groaned.

The table went silent and I was pretty sure everyone was staring at me. I lift my head up and sat down properly. I was right. "Guys, if you want to make me feel better, stop giving me the silent treatment and go on with your lives." I said.

They half-smiled and made an effort to do as I said. I didn't really get why they _had_ to make an effort. As far as I'm concern, it's not that hard to ignore someone.

Before I could place my head in the table and pretend this was some sick dream I had yet to wake up from, someone placed their hand on my shoulder. I looked around the table hoping to see a certain someone sitting across or at one side of me. When I came to the realization that he could only be standing right behind me, I sighed and turned around.

"Hey, Kit." Two-Bit greeted me with a warm smile. "Um… Hey." I managed to say. _Think Kit, think. A fast and believable excuse to get out of there._ I slowly pulled away from his gap, leaning towards the table. I couldn't help but look down which was lame in every sense of the word. "Um, look buddy, I have to go. I just remembered I had to do write some paper for Syme so yeah, talk to you later." I said.

I rolled my eyes and kept hollering myself about how pathetic that excuse that had been but I didn't have a choice. A great part of me didn't want to talk to him. A great part of me wanted to be mad at him for reasons that where still unknown. And a great part of me wanted to blame it all on him. What the hell was wrong with me?

I stepped out of the cafeteria and into the hallway. I debated between going outside and going to the library. Outside seemed like a really nice idea. It was sunny and chilly and no one I knew was there but then again, no one would talk to me if I hide myself within the dry pages of literature.

I groaned as I decided to just hide myself. Before I could make more than five steps towards the west wing of the building, my luck hit me with its best shot.

"Hey, Miss Curtis, could you come here for a moment?" I heard someone call. I froze for a moment, hoping to God this wasn't happening to me. I sighed and turned around automatically. Standing just a few steps from me was my so-called school's counselor. Fucking shit…

Against all that I believed in I walked towards the woman. "Yes, Mrs. Foley?" I asked with annoyance in my voice. Very well present. The woman, tall, wrinkly, with hazel eyes, and an expression that makes you wonder if she was taken off from an old class picture, fixed her glasses and spoke. "Mr. Cleaver asked me to have a deep conversation with you. Please step into my office."

I wondered if I could make a run for it. Suddenly going outside seemed like an excellent idea. I followed her into her 'office' and hesitated as to come inside. The woman noticed my standing by the door and raised an eyebrow in impatience. She tapped her feet to the floor and if you know me well, you know how that just completely annoys the hell out of me. I groaned and rolled my eyes, taking the seat in front of her desk.

I folded my arms and leaned comfortably into the chair. _I_ wasn't going to do the talking. I was determined to make this little session as unproductive as possible.

"So?" The woman asked after a minute had gone by. _Glad to know you finally figure out how much I lack interest in our little talk._ I rolled my eyes. "So what?" I said in an annoyed tone. My attitude was one hundred percent hormonal teenager.

The woman sighed and placed her hands on the desk, just like adults do when they are about to give you a bunch of psycho babble. "I know what you're going through, Miss Curtis. It's a difficult time in your life when you're not sure where you want to go. I personally think a good way to let all that tension go is by having someone to talk to. And…"

Once again, I felt a sudden urge to punch the person in front on me. What the fuck? I felt a sudden ball of rage take over me. I interrupted and I didn't care if I was disrespectful. I was sick and tired of hearing people tell me what to feel.

I looked at her with incredulity and indignity. I leaned closer to her, keeping my distance so that I wouldn't get suspended for implementing physical violence to an adult.

"No. No! You have NO freaking idea how it feels. As simple as because you're not me! I hate that. Everyone thinks they know who I am. Well guess what? They don't. No one does! Don't pretend you know how I feel. No, talking to someone is not a good way to make me feel better. Get all that out of your head!"

I yelling and losing my entire cool that I had tried to maintain during the day. I stood up and knocked the chair into the floor. I would have done more but all I wanted to do was get out. I wasn't about to go through this shit.

"Miss Curtis, there's still a lot to talk about!" She said before I reached for the doorknob. I turned around. They could yell at me. They could punish me. They could even expel me if they wanted to, but they were not going to tell me what to feel. "I believe there is nothing left to talk about." I said and left.

I didn't go back to the cafeteria, or to spend my time at the library like I had planned, all I did was storm out of the building and into courtyard.

I just walked away. I didn't even stop to make sense of what I was doing. I had to leave. This was a lot to put up with as it was. Couldn't they just leave me and let me suffer alone?

I wondered where I could go. I mean, I was already going to miss the next four periods of the day I might as well do something worth skipping school. But nothing seemed appealing. Nothing seemed right.

After five minutes of wondering around the streets of Tulsa without a particular destination, I finally decided to just give in and go home. As much as my head screamed that this was an even worst idea than going to school this morning, at least I had the certainty that there was someone there that would now ask questions and would know exactly how I was feeling.

It took me a while to get home but I finally did it. I sighed as I walked up the steps of the front porch and opened the door slowly. Pony was sitting on the couch with the TV on day-dreaming. I walked to greet my brother.

"Hey, Kitty." He said as I kissed his hair. "Where were you?" I sighed. "School. Or at least that's what I signed up for, not a mental institution for the addicted and disturbed." He chuckled a little bit. "That bad?" I didn't answer. I was pretty sure my expression spoke for itself.

I walked towards the kitchen to get myself a glass of water. "Hey, um, where's Sodapop?" I asked casually. "I think he's at his room." He said. I drank water in a sip and placed the glass on the sink before walking towards my brother's room.

"Hey." I said as I opened the door without knocking and saw Soda laying on his bed smoking. Oh no. That was not a good sign. My brother only smokes for two reasons. To act tough or whenever something was bothering. I was sure as hell he didn't need to impress the walls so the recent events must be really killing him.

He turned to look at me and smiled. It sent some relief through my veins to see that his usual happy-go-lucky smile hadn't faded. "How you feeling?" I asked. Okay so maybe I had been avoiding that question all day but it was of perfect use now.

Soda sighed and took another sip to his cigar. "The same as you." He said. I chuckled. Stupid question. "I thought you where at school." He added. "Yeah." I nodded and sat down next to him. "I couldn't do it." I sniffed. "It was a lot of pressure and people kept asking me how I felt and stuff. All I wanted to do was be left alone, you know." I said. He leaned up and patted my back. "Yeah, I know."

I stared into the floor letting my hands rest on my knees. "I still don't believe it, Soda. It doesn't seem real." I said. There came the annoying desire to cry. I fought it. "It feels like a horrible nightmare from which I cannot wake up from." I said. Soda sighed and placed the cigarette butt on his night table.

"Come here." He said as he placed his arms around my shoulders and hugged me tight. "I promise you that no matter what happens, we'll always have each other. Everything's going to be alright, okay?" I leaned closer to him and placed my head on his chest. "You promise?" I asked. I didn't have to see it to know that Soda had smiled at me. "Yeah, I promise."


	3. Life Is Messy

**Chapter Three**

_**Life Is Messy**_

A week has gone by. Not much has changed. Not for me, at least. I feel empty, alone, angry, and completely uncared for. It is Sunday night. I can hear laughter and joy coming from all corners of this small house. I'm sitting on my bed, leaning against the hard wall, reading some book I randomly checked out of the library because I was bored.

I have managed against all odds to turn a frown into a smile. I'm allowing the world to see how much better I am, because deep inside, I hope that if I lie enough I'll get to the point where I'll believe it. And then, everything will be okay. I just wonder. Where will I be able to hide my sorrow?

Life is messy and complicated. All this feelings that I've experienced in the past seven days they out to mean something. Never in my life had I've been so completely wrapped around a veil of emotion as this time in my life. I'm trying really hard to understand what the purpose behind it. I believe everything happens for a reason but… I don't know. I guess it makes me angry that mom and dad had to… pass away, in order for something to happen or not happen, whatever the deal with life was.

I snapped the book shut as I finished vaguely reading through the last page. I sighed and placed it on the night table. I glanced at the clock next to me. It was barely eight. I groaned as I placed my pillow over my head and laid flat on the bed. Now I would have to go outside and pretend I was a happy-go-lucky person. I wondered who could see pass my cover and into the pain my eyes so desperately tried to hide.

I considered closing my eyes to get myself sound asleep, but I knew myself far too well. I was a night person. I went to sleep late and woke up late. I couldn't get myself to sleep at such early hour even if I tried my best. I swore under my breath and let a couple of minutes go by before I would have to choose between going out or achieve unconsciousness.

When I was done fighting it, I took the pillow off my face, got up and made my way to the door. Outside Pony and Johnny where watching TV, Dawn and Brooke where talking, and Two-Bit and Jell-O where watching and making bets on who was going to win the arm wrestling match that Soda and Steve where in.

Watching carefully from the outside, the scene portrayed a normal hang out displayed by the typical teenager. It was a pleasant sight. However, no one who knew better could be able to guess that behind this scene, behind the constant act that each of us portrayed, most of us where broken. No one who didn't know us could ever guess what being us meant. There is so much behind the way we act, the way we relate, and the way we live. It went far deeper than just being a greaser. It came to the role each of us had to play in this life. I wished people could understand that.

"Yo, Kittykins, me, you, bring a football." Dawn snapped me out of my train of thought and jumped excitedly from where she was sitting. I cocked an eyebrow. "Yo? What are you, gangster?" I said folding my arms at her silliness. "One of the Brumly boys taught me how." I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from laughing. Those Brumly boys could hardly spell their names. I was sure as hell it wasn't gangster style what they where teaching Dawn to talk like. "Okay, um Dawn." I was trying very hard to keep a straight face. "I'll go for the ball and meet you outside." I said.

As I was about to turn towards Darry's room to get his football, Two-Bit stood up from the table and quickly walked towards us. My first thought was, no lie, 'what the hell does he want now?'. "Heyo, mind if I crash yo squad?" He winked at Dawn who smiled at his truthfully pathetic attempt to do the imitation. Before anyone else could say anything, I spoke in alarm. "It's kind of a two-on-two thing. Maybe later."

I hadn't meant to sound so harsh and the coldness in my voice wasn't intentional, but I didn't want to play with Two-Bit, let alone talk to him. The once filling sound of voices was now complete silence. I ignored it. Two-Bit nodded and his grin slightly faded, but he kept a straight face and a smile as if nothing had happened. Maybe it was his way of showing he hadn't been hurt. I knew my best friend well enough to know that he was and I was the reason why.

Two-Bit chuckled and walked away towards the kitchen. Dawn shot the rest a deadly glare and everyone continued with their activities. They where trying very hard to ignore the uncomfortable situation that had just happened, either out of respect for Two-Bit and me or out of fear that Dawn would whip them if they went on and added comments.

Either way, I made my way to grab that football.

We kept silent as Dawn and I tossed the ball to one another. At first it was awkward but then it just felt normal. I was grateful for the silence, comfortable even, but I knew my friend wasn't. I could see it in her expression. Taken aback by my lack of creative conversation, but she didn't push me. She knew I wasn't in the mood.

But as the seconds thicken by and the darkness of the night got deeper, she found the right time to break the silence. "I know what you need." She said out of the blue and with such confidence I felt stupid for not understanding what she was saying. "Please enlighten me." I tossed the ball a little bit harder. It would have hit her on the face if her senses weren't so sharp.

She smirked as she lowered the ball to her stomach. "I think you need a boyfriend." She said. I started to laugh like a complete maniac. The thought of me having a boyfriend crossed the line between crazy and lame all the way. Dawn just stood there, keeping her cool, waiting for me to finish. After a few seconds, I managed to bite my lower lip and calm myself. "Are you done, now?" She asked slightly annoyed. I nodded not wanting to say anything because if I did I knew I would laugh.

"Why not?" She asked as she tossed the ball back to me. I cleared my throat. With a deep breath I answered back. "Because, Dawn, I think the whole concept of it is overrated. No boy is worth my time." It was partially true what I was saying. I thought love was a beautiful thing. Perhaps even the best kind of feeling there was. But I had been witness to the most horrible kind of romantic relationships there where. I had seen couples fight. Guys beating up girls, girls cheating on guys. It was not my idea of spending my time.

The way my voice sounded, the obviousness and coldness it portrayed, it might have made anyone else back off and shut the topic good. But not Dawn, she liked to piss me off. "Oh, c'mon Kit. It is really fun." I rolled my eyes. "You would know." She tossed the ball back to me again and made her best puppy dog face. She bent down on her knees and literally begged me. "Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please?"

I sighed as I tossed the ball from one hand to another. "If I say I will think about it, would you shut up?" I said annoyed. Her face lit up and she stood up to catch the ball. The way she got all excited about it made me feel guilty about lying to her about considering a romantic relationship as a priority. Yet, it accomplished its purpose and she shut up.

The next morning I had to be literally dragged out of bed. The alarm went off at seven thirty. It had felt like I had just finally gotten myself to fall deeply asleep when it was time to wake up already. That pissed me off.

Pony tapped my shoulders, shaking me lightly. "Wake up." He said gently. I groaned and pulled the covers over me. "Soda always gets five minutes more. I demand some justice." I said sleepy through the sheets. Pony chuckled. "Soda got up already." He said. "So?" He took off my blanket and holding my legs, he started to pull me out. He had barely moved me two inches away from my pillow when I stopped clenching at the base of the bed and stood up.

"Can't anyone get a decent sleep around here?" I murmured annoyed as I walked towards the shower. It was a short and quick shower. I wrapped a towel around myself and walked towards my room. I put on one of Jelly's plaid shirts that I had borrowed a million years ago and had never bothered to return and some Capri jeans.

I would be lying if I said this was the first time since 'the incident' that I have taken time to fix my appearance. I am self-absorbed, that is very true. I know I am pretty and I want the whole world to know that. Maybe I was fucked up inside but when everything else fails, look cute.

I tied my hair into a ponytail and walked out towards the kitchen. The usual fresh scent of ham and eggs served with chocolate cake invaded my nostrils. That has been our breakfast for the past six days. I swear if I ever come near chocolate cake again, I'm gonna puke. No wonder mom never allowed it with ham and eggs. Very bad combination. I didn't say anything though. I knew the siblings liked it and since everyone has been so down lately, I figured let them have a bit of enjoyment in this time of sorrow.

As for me, I had enough with a glass of water.

I kissed Darrel morning and went to crash on the couch next to Carson. It was rather quiet today. There was no one there except for the Randle's.

Carson Randle. That chick makes me laugh and smile like and idiot with her occurrences. She has straight rich black hair hanging just below her shoulders. Her eyes are icy blue. Two pieces of marble whose radiant brightness you will never find anywhere else. Her eyebrows are long and thin, complementing the fine features of her face. She's the same age as me, but being honest, she looks younger. It pisses her off. She stands at 5'3 at the most. A tiny pixie compared to the rest of us. Her usual expression is hard to define. Most of the time, she doesn't have any expression at all, and if so, she has a calm and relaxed face. But don't let her looks fool you, she shots to kill. If it was up to that girl, she would change all the rules and just for the hell of it, prove everyone wrong. But underneath all that toughness of a bad girl she's just looking to belong. A shoulder to cry on and a heart that would understand.

She had her eyes stuck on the TV but she wasn't really watching it. She was more like staring into space. "What's hanging, hot stuff?" I asked her as I leaned down to tie my converse. She chuckled as she lit up a cigarette and turned to look at me. "Damn girl, you sure missed a good party." She said. I pulled my feet up the couch and leaned comfortably into the pillows. "Is that so?" I asked surprised.

She nodded offering me a cancer stick. I shook my head. I have never smoked. I find it stupid and a threat to perfect health. Besides, the pure smoke makes me sick. "Yeah." She said between drags. "It got wild. We managed to fuck up the music box and all the hits started mixing up. It sounded surprisingly good." She said proudly. I chuckled rolling my eyes. That did sound like a hell of a party. But I wasn't in party mode. At this pace, I was simply surviving.

I glanced at the clock and sighed. It was quarter to eight. I patted Carson's knee and stood up. I looked over my things, making sure I wasn't missing anything and placed my bag over my shoulder. Carson and I walked over to the door and waited impatiently for the pigs to finish breakfast.

After five minutes, I got annoyed. "Sodapop Patricia and Ponyboy Michelle, hurry your pretty asses or we're gonna be late." I said impatiently. The boys groaned but got moving, finishing up their plates and hurried to get their things. "That goes for you too, Stevieanne." Carson spoke as to add to my statement. We both chuckled. "Our siblings are such girls." I murmured so that only she could hear. She winked at me. "Tell me about it."

"There. Ya happy now?" Steve said annoyed. I smiled innocently and bat my eyes. "Yesh. Very." His sister answered. He rolled his eyes as we stepped out. Darry waved at us from the kitchen and we started to make our way to school.

Steve and Soda where arguing about who would run the fastest if they where to race to school. God those two argue about everything. Once, when they where around nine, they where debating what side was the stupid damn fly going to take off. They're both nuts. Sometimes I think deep inside them, they are both secretly girls. I wouldn't be surprised though.

I stopped paying attention to what they where saying when suddenly Soda took off before Steve could get to three on the count off. I side with Steve every time. Soda cheats. Out of nothing better to do, we took off after them in a run too. I must tell you, running is way easier when you're not carrying half your weight in books. Sigh.

To my and Steve's pleasure, he won. When we finally reached the school, I patted Soda's back and whispered in his ear. "That's karma being a bitch to you." He chuckled and started to mess my hair. I fought back but he had his arm around my neck in a second. Though he is just as tall as me, he is not that easy to beat in a wrestling match. He's a boy, for crying out loud. He is genetically stronger than me. Besides, he took me off guard.

He was winning until all of the sudden he let go and I almost dropped to the floor. "Curtis! Stop that, immediately!" I heard a teacher call. I fixed my hair and turned around to see who had been the pussy that had ruined my fun. I groaned as the junior class math teacher, Mrs. Fitzpatrick, looked at us in disgust and turned to walk away.

If I could tell her half of the things I thought about her, I would have probably gotten expelled a while ago.

For the past year, that bitch has tormented my older brother. Proving him wrong and bringing his academic self-esteem down every chance she has. I wouldn't be surprised if the only reason she moved up to the eleventh grade was to make school a hell for Sodapop some more.

I turned to look at Soda, he was frozen in place and his usual smile and cheerful attitude was gone. He spoke in a low voice. "I swear that teacher hates me." He said. Steve patted his back sympathetically. "Don't sweat it, buddy. She hates everyone." He said. "She hates _greasers_." Carson corrected. "They all hate us. It's just part of who we are. Just something more to be proud of." She stuck her chest out in pride and if she hadn't said what she said, I would've found it funny.

I disagreed with Carson. It didn't make me proud to have the whole world against me.

We started to walk to the inside of the building. As I walked calmly through the halls filled with teenagers, I could feel looks and glares shot at me from all different directions. Some portrayed sympathy, others portrayed sadness, and others portrayed hatred. Normally, I wouldn't have minded the extra attention, even if they had been deadly glares. I wouldn't have minded if the people that acknowledged me loved me or hated me, they where still thinking about me. But with all that had happened this made me feel oddly uncomfortable.

I spotted Dawn and Jell-O standing by Jells' locker talking. I rushed towards them. "Hey guys. What's up?" Jelly bit her lower lip and Dawn smiled suspiciously as they turned to look at me. I stared at them in confusion and slight annoyance. "What?" Jelly let go of a chuckled but immediately restored composure. Dawn kept on with her stupid grin. "Oh, we where just sorting out our options to set you up with." I rolled my eyes and groaned. "Dawn, are you still thinking about that? Do you really think any boy is gonna want to hang out with a girl that is emotionally unstable?" As soon as the last two words had come out I wished I could take them back. They where exactly the things I didn't want anyone else to know about me.

"You are?" Dawn asked slightly surprised. Or she was a really good actress or she didn't know me at all and all those years of being best friends meant nothing. I decided to stick with the first part. I didn't want any more depressing thoughts added to my stew. "My parents just died, Dawn, how do you think I am?" I stated the obvious. Jelly's desire to laugh faded and Dawn's smile turned serious. "Right. Sorry." I shrugged. "Don't worry about it." I said.

If anything, I can say that my friends had been very supportive. No one ever brought the topic up or made comments about it. They where really careful and caution about it. They didn't want any of us Curtis' to feel any worst and for that, I was entirely grateful. But just as everything, it doesn't do to ignore it just because it's painful. You just have to find a way to let it go but making it a part of your reality. I was still in that process.

As we walked towards our classroom, I continued to feel that annoying little feeling of discomfort due to the glances and glares I received from all directions. "Dawn?" I asked quietly. "What's with people staring at me?" Dawn turned to look at me with a slightly surprised but amused face. "It has been like this all week, Kit. You where just too distracted to notice. Fresh news fly more quickly than sound. They all know." She said. I rolled my eyes.

All week? And all week none of them could have approach me to give me their condolences and sympathy? But of course not. We're teenagers, for Pete's sake. We don't care about anyone but ourselves. I scoffed. Bunch of assholes.

I daydreamed through homeroom, math, history and Spanish. I was replaying the morning wrestling scene in my head over and over again, doing whatever it was that I needed to do in automatic pilot. I wasn't really paying attention to anything.

And so, I was quite grateful when the bell announcing lunch rang. "Finally." I muttered. I made my way to my locker as I motioned to Blair that I would meet them in the table. I sighed in exhaustion as I placed my books on the locker and snapped it shut.

I almost jumped startled as Two-Bit suddenly appeared next to me. All those years of sneaking around left you with life skills.

"God. Two-Bit." I said placing my right hand over my chest and taking a slow breath. A second later, I sighed and placed my bag over my shoulders. "Look, I have to go do something important. Maybe we can talk-"

"No!" He cut me off. As I turned to look at him what I saw surprised me. Two-Bit was standing in front of me. He didn't have his usual grin on his face and his posture was tense. It made me wonder what the hell was wrong for him to act that way. He took me by my shoulders, making me drop my bag onto the floor. He looked at me in the strangest way. "What the hell was that about?" He asked.

I knew exactly what he meant, but I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to talk about. I'd rather play dumb than admit it. And that's what I did. "What was what?" I asked trying to drop his gaze. "Kit, you know exactly what I'm talking about." I made an effort to hide the acknowledgement to his words. I just stood there making my face expressionless. I wanted to look down, but he forced me to look at him. When he saw I wasn't going to speak, he continued. "I understand you didn't want to talk to me last Monday. You where hurt, I get it. But that was a freaking week ago! What about yesterday? Huh? Are you mad at me or something?"

I sighed and closed my eyes for a moment. Anger. That was the emotion I was trying to decipher. Listening to the words come out of his mouth, that's when I realized that I was angry at him. Why? I couldn't tell. I opened my eyes slowly. I looked past his playful eyes and into his pain. "Two-Bit, it isn't you." But I knew I was lying to myself.

I went back all the way to the moment it had all officially started. My conversation with Two-Bit and the consequences I didn't know it would bring. I started to analyze the reason behind my anger. Before our fight, my mother had been upset about something. Something she had listened to. Something I had done or said that she didn't approve.

The far I dug, the more clues I got. And then, it all hit me like a snowball rolling down a mountain.

I was angry at Two-Bit because he had been the reason why my mom was upset. She had heard our conversation and blamed him for being a bad influence on me. I defended him. And the memory started to play again in my mind. I realized now how difficult it must have been on my mother after I had said all those hurtful words.

I started to imagine a possible way that last car ride must have been for my parents. The only one that seemed completely real and logical.

Mom, crushed and shattered by the words of her daughter and dad, too distracted sympathizing and comforting her to notice anything around them.

A train approaching but none of them in the time and place. Only one thing conquered their minds. My words that had defended Two-Bit. The ultimate distraction.

In the simplest terms, Two-Bit was responsible for their dead.

The realization made me shiver.

I suddenly felt anger flash through my veins, boiling my hot blood. My subconscious had known this all along and it was now that it was uncovering the truth before my eyes. A truth I didn't want to confront.

I didn't want to talk to him, I didn't want to look at him, I didn't even want to be next to him. I had a desire to hurt him. Make him feel the same pain I was feeling. This was all his fault.

But I was being blinded by anger. I took a deep breath to calm myself down. If I added logical sense to this, there was no way it could be Two-Bit's fault. It was… mine. Completely and entirely mine.

I was willing to blame myself rather than him. I wanted to save him from myself.

I turned to look at him with apologetic eyes. I managed to half smile at him. As I looked into his deep gray eyes I was finally able to convince myself this wasn't his fault. It could never be. He was my best friend and the sweetest guy I knew.

I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tight. "I'm sorry if I have been acting like a complete ass. I'm not mad at you. I could never be mad at you. You make me laugh too much." I said holding him close as he did the same. We stood like that for another minute until we both pulled away at the same time.

"Besides boy, I have come to the conclusion that I couldn't ignore you even if I tried." I said. He chuckled and his normal happy grin was back on his face. It made me feel relieved.

But there was something that still bothered me though. The conclusion that I had come up with. I wondered if my subconscious would ever let me forgive him for what logically he was not responsible for. I wondered if I would ever be able to look at him without what my head had discovered. Only time would tell…

I walked home with Ponyboy after the final bell rang. We walked quietly and slowly, enjoying each other's company. Pony has never been that much of a talker and I tried my best to give him his space. I wasn't really in the mood to talk either, so this time it was far easier.

Soda had stayed at school because he had to deal with some stuff. By that I mean he had to deal with the assholes that supposedly teach us. I sighed heavily. Some day their future will be in our hands and then they will found out how much of a bitch karma can be. If not, I will personally take over.

I closed the door behind me as the comfort of my own home greeted us. I walked over to my room to leave my stuff. I heard the sound of the TV all the way from the living room and I smiled at myself at my younger brother's actions. I just found it really amusing, I don't know why.

I closed my door and walked over to him. I smiled and sat next to him on the couch. I frowned slightly as I stared into the TV. "What are we watching?" I asked with curiosity. Pony shrugged slightly annoyed. "Some comedy that was on when I turned the TV." He said. I just nodded. I didn't want to distract him anymore from the screen. If you knew Ponyboy really well, you would know you don't bother him when he's reading or watching TV.

We watched the really weird thing for about half an hour. It was funny but it was also getting on my nerves. It was stupid and I can only stand a certain amount of stupidity on a movie.

As I was about to stand up and walk to my room, Sodapop burst in. His expression was tense and he seemed uneasy. I frowned at his weird behaviour. Pony seemed to notice too. He turned off the TV and turned to look at our brother.

"Soda, are you okay?" I asked. He started pacing back and forth around the living room. He didn't seem to have heard us. I could tell he had something on his mind.

After a minute or so, he stopped pacing in a quick movement and made his way to his room. Ponyboy and I turned to look at each other, completely surprised and disturbed by his action. We stood up and followed him. Pony walked in first. I stood at the door frame as I watched my older brother stare into his window with his mind miles away.

"Soda, what's wrong?" Ponyboy asked. Unlike me, Soda is as clear as water. You know exactly when something's bothering him. No matter how much he tries to hide it, his expression always portrays his real emotions.

I had never seen him so down before and it was starting to worry the hell out of Pony and I. Soda stared at Pony. He seemed to be searching for the right words, but none came out. "Soda, what is it?" I asked again urgently. The faster we got it out of him, the less it would eat him inside. Soda turned to look at me now. He had a defeated look on his face. He took a long deep breath.

"Kit, I'm dropping out."


	4. Please Pray For Me

**Chapter Four**

_**Goodbye Mom, Please Pray For Me**_

Soda dropped out two days after that. It was hard for me to accept it. I tried not to listen to his conversation with Darry but it inevitable. I was angry. Not at the fact that he had given up, although that did piss me off a bit, but at the fact that his teachers had driven him to do it. They had no idea what he was going through and what's worst, they didn't care. I know my brother. He probably wasn't the best student but he was a good kid. He went to school not only because that's what was expected from him but because he wanted a good education and these assholes that run the institution, they didn't care that a low class greaser didn't make it. It made me sick.

Soda isn't dumb. He never was. Not even a little. He just doesn't learn the old way. With that boy, you need to be in constant motion. Pencil and paper won't do. He needs to see things actually happen. He learns through contact with. But, as always, teachers don't care about the special needs of several students, especially when they got no purpose in life.

It wasn't fair.

School was incredibly dull after that. I mean, school is always dull but it was different without him there. I guess I kind of missed him. My brother has always been a dear friend to me. Of course we disagree, but I more fun with him that I have arguments. And at school, he could always find ways to make it entertaining. That didn't generally imply no rule breaking. And they had taken it away. Like they had taken it all away.

It was a sunny Friday afternoon and I was walking down with Two-Bit on our way from school. Well, he was doing the walking. I was more as in enjoying a piggy back ride.

"Do you want to hear a joke?" He asked looking up at me with his usual grin. "Do I have a choice?" I asked praying to some unseen force, he wouldn't come up with anecdotes of his one-night stands. "Okay. It's about a woman with ten husbands but she's still a virgin." I rolled my eyes. Not a one-night stand –thankfully- but definitely revolving around sex. I sighed. Was that the only thing the male gender ever thought about?

Two-Bit didn't wait for my response so he just went on to tell his joke. Trying to keep himself from bursting into laughter before even a single word could come out, he spoke.

"A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" Said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband numero uno was a sales representative: He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband numero dos was in software services: He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband numero tres was from field services: He said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband numero cuatro was in telemarketing: Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband numero cinco was an engineer: He understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband numero seis was from finance and administration: He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband numero siete was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband numero ocho was a psychologist: All he ever did was talk about it. Husband numero nueve was a gynaecologist: All he did was look at it. Husband numero diez was a stamp collector: All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," Said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

I rolled my eyes and slapped him on the back of his head. He had burst into his uncontrollable, drunk laughter almost considered as his personal signature. "I guess then, you are going to be a lawyer when you grow up?" I asked trying to hide a smile. "Oh baby, I already am." He said proudly. "You're a dumbass, you know that?" I said trying as hard as I could to sound serious but failing miserably because I couldn't get myself to stop giggling stupidly.

"But you love me anyway." He said playfully tackling me down to the floor. I groaned. "I'm seriously rethinking it." He held out his hand and lifted me up with no effort.

We walked towards the front door. Ponyboy was sitting on the dinning room table doing some homework. Soda was lying on the couch 'watching' TV, and I say 'watching' because some chick flick was on and he seemed to be daydreaming. And Darry seemed to be on the phone. I could hear his loud voice all the way from the kitchen. That annoyed me a little. I mean, whatever he was dealing with over the phone, it was his issue; the rest of the house didn't have to find out.

I rolled my eyes. Two-Bit closed the door behind him and I was about to make my way to my room when Darrel hung up and entered the living room. "There you are." He said with a warm smile. I frowned slightly and turned to look at the clock resting on the coffee table. It was barely five.

For the first time since I got home, it occurred to me that Darry wasn't at work. That was strange. He usually got off around seven and I knew this because my siblings and I got till then to clean up the house every day to avoid a scowl from our older brother. I wondered what he might want.

"Hey guys, we need to talk something." He said walking to his now usual place at dad's armchair. "What about, bro?" Soda snapped back to reality, asking way too cheerfully, like he always did. Maybe he was expecting some good news or something. Ponyboy looked up and I dropped my things on the floor. "It's about mom and dad's funeral." He said. He turned to look at Two-Bit for the first time and shot him a look as if to say _fuck off_. Two-Bit got the picture.

"Uh, I'll think I'll go. See ya guys later." He said. Even if he hadn't read Darry's expression the way I did, I was sure he didn't want to stick around while we discussed this awkward/painful subject. _I_ would have left if given the chance. Sigh...

Once Two-Bit was out the door, Darry proceed. "That was the cemetery I just got off with. I made some arrangements and the funeral will be this Saturday at noon." He managed to smile at us but I cringed at the thought. Way to bring the pain back into our lives. Though I think it was the right thing for Darry to do. After all, the parents deserved some sort of final ceremony in their honour. I just didn't like the fact that I had to attend. Whatever, this was not for my sake. It was for theirs and for once in my life I had to think about someone other than myself even if it killed me inside.

"So Saturday at noon." I mumbled under my breath only loud enough for me to hear. "That'll be just lovely."

And guess what? Saturday came by sooner that I would have expected or liked. Why did the weekend came faster when you didn't want it to come than when you did? It pissed me off. I was standing half-naked in my room staring at the pile of clothes I had carefully selected lying on my bed trying to decided which would be appropriate enough for the event.

I didn't own that many formal clothes but thankfully I had enough black clothes to take some weight off my back.

I first thought about putting on some leather pants and a tight tank top, but that didn't look appropriate enough so I discarded them quickly. Then I thought about a one-sleeve blouse and a mini skirt but that looked to party like for the occasion. I groaned. This was so annoying.

Fifteen minutes and four outfits later, I finally came through the perfect choice. It was a spaghetti strip, knee-length, tight black dress. It was one of the few dresses I owned and probably the only one decent for this. I smiled at myself. I grabbed some dark tights and put the dress on. It looked pretty on me. Well, everything looked pretty on me but this seemed to exalt my physical beauty more than anything else.

It took me another thirty minutes to fix my hair and make-up. I slowly and patiently started to curl my hair one by one until it was perfectly fixed and placed a black hair band with a ribbon in it as if to give the final touch. My make-up was simple but I took my time. I mixed several shades of pink for the eye shadow, used a brown-black eyeliner and dark mascara for my natural curled eyelashes, to bring out my blue eyes. I was ready the moment I applied cherry lip gloss into my lips.

And I finished my look by putting on the only pair of black high heels I owned.

All in all, it took me around an hour to get ready. I guess I was trying to buy as much time as possible to escape the reality of today. It was just one of those days where since the moment you wake up you know it is going to suck bad.

I heard talking going on in my living room and I knew the gang had arrived. Through it all, they where always there when you need them. For better or worst.

I took one final glance at my reflection. Gorgeous. But I sighed and stepped out my room. Here we go again...

"Oh my, Kitty, you look pretty." Brookie said with an innocent sweet smile.

Brooklyn Cade, Brookie Cookie. Johnny and Dawn's little sister and the youngest in the gang. She has long, blonde, wavy hair that goes down to the middle of her back that perfectly suits her shinny blue eyes. She has a petite pixie like figure, standing barely at 4'10. She has a sweet angelic face that makes her look too innocent for her own good. A drama queen in all the sense of the word. Don't joke or play a prank on the kid. She gets scared too easily and will try to pick a fight if annoyed. But she's nice and quite hyper. She's the type of person that will wake up at six in the morning and be jumping up and down when all you want to do is throw a pillow towards her so she can cut it out. She's almost like my little sister, being three years or so younger than me, and I share all my girl advice with her. A girly girl that can't fight even to save her own skin. I love that chick.

"Kitty knows." I said winking at her. Brooke chuckled and rolled her eyes. "And she put her ego on too, Brooke." Jamie walked over to us and placed her arm around Brooke's shoulder winking back at me.

Jamie Mathews. The younger, wiser Mathews sibling and I meant this literally. The second youngest in the gang and the human girl representation of Jiminy Cricket. She has long, thick, dark brown hair that falls gracefully over her flawless skin and matches her cold blue eyes. She stands at 5'4 with a slim but define beautiful body. If I where to pick her best physical feature, that'd be her striking smile. Just perfect and so beautiful. The kind of smile that captures you into her enchantment and forces you to smile back with pleasure. She is a very smart girl and has 'good and bad' well defined in her life. You would hardly think she was a Mathew or somehow related to Two-Bit or Blair. She didn't act without thinking and she analyzed everything she could get her hands on. She's the kind of girl you would always take seriously, who's opinion you valued and one you don't mess with unless you want your intelligence to be completely shattered and/or humiliated. But she's very loyal and sweet and probably one of the few people I knew, with a truly kind heart. She's a sweetheart.

Dawn scoffed from somewhere. "She always does, James." I rolled my eyes and patted both girls' shoulders. I was going to mess with their hair but then I remembered that they where dressed up, so I didn't want them yelling at me for messing their looks. _That _would not have been pretty.

I walked around the house. I glanced at how _decent_ everyone looked. I must be dreaming. _My_ muchachos really did love me if they actually accepted to dress up formally. Oh, what a lucky girl I must be.

Of course if I was a lucky one I wouldn't be in this mess.

I stepped into the kitchen looking for Darry. He was sitting on the table going over some information they had given him about the funeral. The rest of my siblings had read it too but I hadn't been in the mood to read what it said. I didn't want to know more than what was absolutely necessary.

"Hey." He said looking up to me as I stepped into the kitchen. "You look beautiful." He smiled. I half smiled back. "Thanks. You look good too. Just like dad." I cringed slightly at my last sentence. I had hoped that by now I would be able to speak off and about my parents without feeling sad or what's worst, guilty. Apparently not.

Darry smiled again, more widely and proudly than before. I figured he took my comment as much more than a simple compliment.

"You want something to eat?" He asked. "It's going to be a long day." I shook my head. I had this tight knot on my stomach since I had waked up that morning. I didn't think I could be able to hold anything down and I didn't want to test the theory.

"Yeah, I know. I don't feel too hot either." He said as though he had just read my mind. I didn't doubt it. We all probably felt the same emotional whirlwind we where going through. He glanced at his watch and frowned. "I guess it's time to go." He said quietly, mostly to himself and with a heavy sigh. Joy.

He stood up and I followed him into the living room. "Okay guys, it's time to go." They all stopped doing what they where doing and turned to look at him. He was fixing his knuckles as he kept talking. "How's everyone going?" He said turning to look at everyone. "My mom is gonna take us." Jamie said pointing at Two-Bit, Blair and her. "Dawn and Brooke are taking a ride from us." She added. "I'm taking Carson, Dallas, and Johnny." Steve said. "And Jelly's going with her dad." Soda added. Darry turned to look from Jamie to Steve to Soda and nodded.

"Alright then, let's go." Wait! No! I didn't want to go. Not yet, at least. I seriously consider locking myself in my room or make a run for it. But that wouldn't make anything easier. If anything, it would be stupid and would cause things to be more complicated than they already where. I guess I'd just have to suck it up. Great.

I walked tiredly into the truck. I really didn't want to do this. It was hard enough as it was. But it was for _them_ so what else could I do? Pony sat next to me on the back. I hadn't heard a word come out of his mouth all day. Come to think of it. I hardly heard him speak all week. Poor kid. I can't imagine how hard this must be for _him_.

He was the youngest after all. He had spent the less time with them. He hadn't gotten to experience the same things we shared with them. He had been probably the one most emotionally attached to them. He was just a kid. The rest of us could deal with having them gone. We could stand being alone. We could stand not needing them. But Darry was twenty, Soda was seventeen, and I was almost sixteen. Ponyboy was just a thirteen year-old.

I placed my hand over his shoulder and caress his soft skin. He looked out the window and placed his right hand over mine. Oh dear. It was just not fair to him...Or any of us. But mostly not to him.

The ride was silent and I preferred it that way. I had closed my eyes and prayed to whatever invisible force was there that something could happen and we didn't have to go. Yeah, I should be so lucky.

When we got to the cemetery, people where already there. All wore black. The scene looked depressing from where the truck was parked and I gulped as Pony opened the door and helped me out. It didn't improve as we walked towards it.

I could feel a heavy atmosphere around it. The crowd kept growing and growing. Darry had spend the last two days calling some of mom and dad's friends, co-workers, and people who he thought would care enough to be there, either for them or for us.

We circled around two holes in the green, wet grass, leaving a pathway for the coming caskets. Soda placed his arm around my shoulder and held me close. I felt like pulling away but the way he was holding me. It seemed like he needed my support to not fall upon his knees defeated. I turned to look at him but his face looked down, to the sight I utterly refused to lay eyes upon.

Jelly and her dad, Dr. Winston, stood in front of us. James was smiling our way sympathetically but holding his posture in a respectful manner. He had been close friends with my parents, best friend with my father. Like family. Just like my gang was to me. I wondered how hard it must be to him to lose his life-long best friend. I tried to imagine it but it was too painful to even try. I don't know what I would do if any of my friends died. I was attached to them by unbreakable golden strings. Losing them would be like cutting one of those strings. It'd be like losing a part of me and that would cause so much pain. I don't think I would be able to stand it.

Jell-O was looking down, hot tears forming in her brown eyes. My parents where like her second family. I wondered how it must feel for her to lose two moms in the course of two years. Josephine, or Jo as she liked to be called, had died when Jelly was fifteen. A terrible accident. She was volunteering at the hospital like she occasionally did when someone came into the ER. There was a man and Jo was at the wrong place at the wrong time. She tried to calm the man down, but he had a gun. It was a misunderstanding but the guy had already let go off the trigger.

Jelly never got over that, especially since it had been cold-blooded murder and it could have been prevented. Jo was only trying to help and it cost her her life. She died trying to help someone. It was one of her favourite things to do.

I guess I could talk to Jell-O about all the feelings I have bottled up inside. She, of all people, would understand. But I couldn't. Something inside me made it feel like it was wrong. I didn't fully understand myself. How can I expect someone else to? It was all so confusing but one thing was clear. It didn't feel right to talk about it. Why? Because it made me feel weak and vulnerable and I can't stand that.

I looked away for a more cheerful sight but such wishes where not possible in this scene.

My friends stood among the crowd of people. They where silent and sad. This was hard on them too. But not as hard as it was on me. _They_ had no idea how it felt. _They_ could just turn the left cheek and go back to their lives. _They_ could escape from this because to them this wasn't real. It wasn't _their_ parents that where dead and it wasn't _their_ reality. But I guess they where doing their best to understand and that's all I could ever ask from them.

Tim Sheppard was there too with his siblings and his gang. I caught sight of Angela and we locked glances. I hadn't seen her since our little chat and I wondered if she could still give me the same piece of advice she had when we talked. When she had thought she knew perfectly well what my relationship with my mother was like. When she had thought she knew everything. I didn't hold any sort of grudge against her. It hadn't been her fault that my words where the result of my parent's dead, but I didn't want to talk to her or see her. I guess I just wanted someone to blame, and she was my second best choice.

I repeated to myself that it wasn't her fault but I knew I would bitch at her if given the chance so I broke the stare and turned to look at the boys. The way they where dressed. The way they bowed their head waiting for the caskets to come, it made me realize how much respect those boys had for my parents. After all, my parents had always been there for any greaser in need. They had the doors of their house always open and they showed part of their love and care to whomever needed it. They had been the closest thing most of them had to a family. Greasers don't forget who was kind to them.

If I didn't feel so completely torn, I would've smiled. Because it made me proud. It made me proud to call Darrel and Sarah my parents... even if they weren't proud to call me their daughter. I cringed at my own masochism.

I kept glancing around, looking for more familiar faces to lay eyes on, or other reasons to distract myself. I realized that half of the people here where complete strangers to me. The men kept themselves composed but stood respectfully in front of the two holes. The women wore vales over their faces and held handkerchiefs over their watery eyes. I should have brought one of those with me. I seemed it would come quite in handy.

It made me both pleased and uncomfortable to see many people gathered around. Pleased because anyone would be glad to see many people at their funeral. Many people that would miss them. Uncomfortable because if I where to break right then and there, I would be crying in front of people I didn't know and the mere thought of it made me cringed.

I bet they all felt sorry for us, who wouldn't?

Everywhere I looked, all of the faces where looking down, daring me to turn my attention to what I was so desperately avoiding. As I turned my glance once more, that's when I saw it. Four men, my men, where carrying my parents over to their graves. I gulped. Two-Bit and Steve stood at either side of my dad's casket and placed him next to the right hole. Mom was placed left, by Dally and Buck. I shivered. I wished I had stood right where Jelly and her dad stood. That way I wouldn't feel as guilty as I did seeing my mother's casket lying at my feet.

The four boys moved away from the coffins as a priest walked down the pathway. He stood exactly in the middle of the two holes and cleared his throat as he opened the book he was holding.

"Let us commend Darrel Shaynne Sr. and Sarah Charlotte Curtis to the mercy of God." I couldn't do it. I couldn't listen to him. I couldn't get myself to pay attention and it made me feel so selfish. It was crucial, for my own personal sanity, that I distract myself as much as possible, to the point that the priest's voice would be completely oblivious to me. I started daydreaming.

Among my several stupid random thoughts was the doubt and possibility if I could be able to run fast in high heels if I decided to make a run for it.

"Darrel and Sarah where many things to many people. They where parents, children, friends, family, coworkers, employees…" Don't cry just stare. Too hard. Too long.

I know that something's wrong…with me. What's going on inside? What am I running from? What do I want to hide? What do I feel? What is inside me that makes me want to scream?

But no one can hear me scream. Because I was determined that no one would know.

Pony and Soda where both crying tirelessly. They had their eyes closed but I could see the pain on their faces. I wondered why I wasn't crying. Was it because I was an insensitive bitch? Or was it because I wasn't listening to the priest's words like they where? Maybe because I couldn't feel what they where feeling right now. Maybe because I had made myself the one and only witness to my feelings. I was immune.

I turned to look at Darry who was standing just a few inches from me. He wasn't crying but I knew my brother. He was holding it together for our sake. He knew we needed someone to rely on. Someone to look up to. He was being strong for us. At that moment, when he didn't shed a tear, he was taking on the responsibly of taking care of us. He was sacrificing his own life for us. That he was conscious about it at the moment or not? That didn't matter. Because he still took it and he didn't thought twice about it.

Finally, after thirty minutes of fighting the urge of falling apart, the time had come for my parents to be placed in the ground. Dad was first. Two-Bit and Steve walked towards the casket and lifted it up, each at either side, and lowered his body slowly into the hole. I could feel the tight knot on my throat get smaller and smaller. _Goodbye, dad._ I acknowledge him in silence. Once the casket was on the ground, the boys bowed down to my father's grave and took their place on the crowd.

Then it was my mother and if it was even possible, the tight knot on my throat got even smaller. I found it hard to breath. Dally and Buck lifted the casket with no effort from the ground and lowered it into the hole in front of me. I wondered vaguely what my mother would say if she knew Dallas Winston and Buck Merril where literally dragging her to her grave. Again, if I wasn't at the edge of falling apart, I might have found it funny.

Dally and Buck bowed in the same manner as Two-Bit and Steve and took their place among the crowd. I stared down at my mom's grave. _Goodbye, mom, please pray for me._ I bowed almost unnoticeable. I wanted to say so much more but I couldn't get myself to do it. It hurt, so I tried to convinced myself I didn't have anything else to say, that I was in good terms with my mother and turned my attention back to the priest.

"We therefore commit Darrel's and Sarah's body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in the sure and certain hope of the Resurrection to eternal life. Amen."

It was over and I could finally breathe. I let go of Soda's tight grip and made my way out of the crowd. I aimed for a tree's shade but I was held back by the condolences of hypocrite people who knew just as well as I did they didn't meant a word they said.

The first one to reach me was dad's boss, Mr. Grayson. "My condolences, Miss Curtis. Your father was a great employee and a good person." He said. _Hmm. Such a great employee that you didn't have the decency of raising his salary._ I thought bitterly but shook his hand when he held it out for me. "Tight grip. Just like your father's." He smiled at me but I pulled my hand away and turned around in disgust. I don't know, I guess I was just pissed off at everything and nothing.

I was only a few feet away from the tree but oh no, I had to be harassed by mom's friends, dad's coworkers, mom's boss, Mrs. Mathews, dad's unknown friends, some neighbours, and strangers. I had never been claustrophobic but between all the commotion and the fact that I was literally being hounded by strangers, I felt dizzy and lost my balance. One second I was standing on my feet, the other I had fell to my knees.

Soda was next to me a few seconds later. "Easy there Kit, it's alright. Let me help you up." It took the simple lift up for my stomach to turn around and around and for dizziness to completely take over my body. Vomit was rising through my coarse throat and I ran as fast I could towards the back of the tree I had aimed fifteen people ago. The acid left my body as its only way to get rid of the stacked emotion I was holding. Soda was next to me, once I regained composure.

He grabbed me by my shoulders and slowly sat me on the shadow of the tree. He caressed my arm and let me place my head over his shoulder. "Shhhh. Take it easy, Kitty. You're overwhelmed. It's fine. It's all going to be fine." Did he really have the slightest idea about what he was talking about? Did he truly believe in what he was saying? Or did he just say it to make me feel better? "It's all going to be fine." He said lower once more. He was no longer crying but he occasionally whipped some tears off his face.

That answered my question. He needed, just like I did, some reassurance that not everything was fucked up. He needed, just like I did, to be lied to with the words that would make everything go away. He needed, just like I did, to believe in the falseness of his own words.

In the dim silence, I spoke. "Soda, do you believe everything's going to be okay?" I asked. The words came out on their own. They didn't let me stop them to think them through. Maybe because if they had I wouldn't have said them. And they where words that needed to be spoken. Soda sighed and kissed my hair. I knew he wished I hadn't asked him that. This was a question that needed a truthful answer. It had to be answered with honesty. It was a difficult question because it took courage and at the moment, when you're all torn apart, courage seems difficult to acquire.

Of course, Soda could just have pretended he hadn't heard me, but it was too late. He had acknowledged me when he kissed my hair. He knew he had no other way but to answer. "I don't know, Kitty, but I hope for the best." That's all I needed to hear. A sincere answer. Something honest but not painful. He wrapped his arms around me and held me close. I rested my head on his chest. For the first time in my life, I willingly let someone else take care of me. I let someone else, who wasn't me, protect me. And it felt good.

And if it's real what you're feeling inside… just thought that you should know. This time when you walk away…You'll know where to go.


	5. Some Pretty Face Beside The Rain

**Chapter Five**

_**More Than Some Pretty Face Beside The Rain**_

Good morning, life. I am a greaser. Wearing a black leather jacket. You want some fun? Maybe a laugh? My life is all a joke to you, isn't it? It's okay, I'd laugh too. Everybody knows, it hurts to grow up and everybody does. It's so weird to be back here. Let me tell you what. The days go on and I'm still fighting it. But you just laugh and well, you're not sorry.

"Hey can any of you guys pass me a pipe wrench." Steve said under the car he was working on.

It was a Wednesday night. The night was cool but still filled by the warm autumn's air. It was around six thirty at night and Jelly, Pony, Soda and I where hanging out with Steve. At his new job. On the DX.

I turned to look at Jelly with absolute no clue as to what he had just said. I had never been into cars. I mean, I liked cars. But I only liked the way they looked on the outside and the fact that they could be driven fast. I as much as knew three types of cars: Mustangs, Corvettes, and Cadillacs. And that was pretty much it. Don't talk to me car and driver because I sure as hell wouldn't know how to contribute to the conversation and that was not good.

Jelly turned to look at me too. Her expression was not so different from mine. She had no clue what he was talking about either. Oh great… "I think he means the- the thingy to turn things around in a car." She said. I nodded in a kind of 'I-still-don't-know-what-you-mean-but-I'm-going-to-pretend-I-do-cause-I-don't-want-to-look-like-an-idiot' sort of way.

I turned around to look for that 'pipe wrench'. I considered asking Soda for help, since he knew all this stuff by heart and he wouldn't mind helping me at my time of need. But he was talking to Ponyboy at the other side of the station and they looked like they where having such a deep conversation that I didn't want to piss them off with my apparent lack of mechanics skill. Not that they would really mind but still.

I figured that it was up to me to find the never-seen-before damn thingy. Why, oh why did I ever have to skip Auto Mechanics last year? Why? I sighed and regain control of myself. Okay, so according to Jell-O it wasn't a car part, or at least that's what I had understood when she had said 'the thingy to turn things around'. That only meant it was a tool and tools where usually found in a tool box. God, I feel stupid.

I rolled my eyes and looked around for that damn box. Five seconds later, I spotted it a few inches away from the car. It was a rusty red box resting on the floor by the wall. I walked towards it and took the first thing I saw. "Here." I said and handed him the wrench the moment he raised his hand to reach it. It took him five seconds to sigh and hand me the wrench back. "Girl, that's a hex key wrench. I need a PIPE wrench." He said in his most patient but irritated tone. I could already see him rolling his eyes in annoyance.

So I tried again. I walked stupidly towards the rusty red box and did my best to guess which one might be the pipe wrench. I prayed that luck was on my side, since I didn't want to make a retarded third trip, and took what looked to be the right wrench. I knocked on the car door with the wrench and Steve raised his hand to reach for the tool. He sighed once more and got up from underneath the car. Well, there went my few seconds of accomplishment.

"That is not a pipe wrench either." He said patting my shoulder and walking towards the rusty red box himself. "Well, how the hell am I supposed to know? I'm not an encyclopedia, ya know? Well, sometimes, but that is not the case here." I said a little annoyed. Jelly, who had been staring at the situation in some sort of sick amusing way, chuckled. She was laughing at me instead of helping me. Bitch. I refrained myself from giving her a glare since I would've probably found it amusing too. Of course, if she had been the idiot running around trying to figure what a fucking pipe wrench looked like.

Steve walked back to us holding a silvery tool and smiling proudly. "Behold, The Pipe Wrench." He said holding up the freaking tool and talking in mock sarcasm. Insert annoyed face here.

After four tool-finding-guessing-and-failing situations, thirteen annoyed glances, seven rolling of eyes and several mocking laughs later, it was getting pretty dark and it was Steve's time to close up and go.

Since we didn't have anything better to do, the way back to my house consisted of Steve, Jelly, and me making stupid jokes and excluding Sodapop from our conversations. Of course we were just joking around, otherwise that would've been just plain mean. Sodapop knew that, hopefully, that's why he played along.

"You guys are so hurtful." He cried in a hurt tone. "And you call yourselves my friends? If you don't want me just say it." I was laughing so hard it was silly. The way he talked and the way he played it out, it made me feel some sort of pity for him. If I hadn't known it was all a joke, I might have actually believed him.

"No we don't want you, Soda." Steve said in a mocking big fat bully-like tone. Soda placed his hand on his forehead making a dramatic impersonation. Oh, no, here came the stupid giggles. "All right then, I know where I'm not wanted. I'll just die alone of loneliness. Good-bye cruel world!" He said stabbing his hands into his chest and literally falling into us. The laughter. Oh, God, make it stop, make it stop.

Wait! 'Die alone of loneliness.'? Okay…

Between all the laughter, dramatic interpretations and stupid giggles, I almost hadn't noticed that my little brother was quietly walking along side of us, not really noticing the way we where acting like retards. "Hey Pone, you seem quiet. Fool around with us creeps." I said as I pushed Soda into Steve and moving so he wouldn't have the bright idea of falling into me again.

"Oh… Sorry. I was just thinking." Not that it surprised me. The kid likes to day-dream a lot but something in his voice made me feel like something was wrong. "About?" Pony didn't look at me just straight ahead, his mind miles away. "Stuff." I didn't push it. The thing with Pony is you need to wait around for him to open to you. You can't force it. He's like a balloon. You gotta inflate it slowly because if too much pressure is added, it blows up.

But I still rolled my eyes and quietly whisper something along the lines of 'how am I supposed to help the freaking kid if all he does is keep quiet?' but no one heard, though I kind of wanted Pony to, but oh well.

When we finally made it to the house, miraculously not bringing the door down when the five of us tried to get in all at once, we're pretty competitive you know, I found the rest of the creeps I have as friends chilling in the living room. You know, it is nice to know that people just go in and out of your place as they please. Whatever happened to privacy these days? Sigh.

Soda and Steve went directly towards the table to play poker or whatever it was that they where gonna do with a deck of cards. Pony sat on the couch next to Johnny, Brooke and Jamie and started flipping through the channels like he didn't have something better to do. He probably did, but I wasn't about to scowl for irresponsibility because I frankly didn't care.

I looked around for Darry but he wasn't anywhere to be found, then I turned to look at the clock. It was still early but he should be around any minute. I stood by the door looking from Soda to Pony and so on and so forth. I sighed as I made sense of the fact that none of them looked like they where going to acknowledge making dinner any time soon. That only meant _I_ had to do it. Fuck.

I'm so good at cooking, I manage to do the impossible and burn water.

My mom was an exceptionally good cook. I loved her meals. But somehow, I got late to the 'natural cook' department in my breading. Yay me!

I walked slowly towards the kitchen. Maybe someone would acknowledge the fact that I was making my way to the 'x' zone of the house. Well, my 'x' zone, at least. What can I say? I got a football player as an older brother. He organizes through 'x's and 'o's.

"Hey people, I'm gonna go make dinner." No response. "Want anything special?" Still no response. "No?" Nopey-de-nopey-de-no. "Okay…" Fuck this. I rolled my eyes as I stepped into the kitchen and stared for five long, and I mean long, minutes trying to remember where everything went. I reached for one of the counters and grabbed one of mom's old cooking books. Maybe I could get an idea or something. I sighed and tried to place a smile on my face. _Hey, maybe this won't be so bad. Maybe I can really do this. I mean, how hard can it be to follow the instructions and make some pasta?_

Two buckets of boiling water, a half package of pasta, and some spilled sauce on both the ceiling and my clothes later, I realized making pasta was indeed hard. Fuck my life. "Fudge!" I was about to give up on trying to smoothen the freaking straight raw pasta strips, when someone leaned forward around me and grabbed a hold of the hot pot I was so desperately trying to sit still.

"You know, Kit, it's not going to eat you if that's what you're so afraid off." I turned around to glance at a happily stupid Two-Bit holding the pot on one hand the pasta box on the other. I moved from underneath his arms towards the right side and leaned on the counter. "You know, Two-Bit, I could've used your help a freaking twenty minutes ago." I said half-annoyed half-relieved. He just chuckled as he rested the box on the counter and the pot on the stove. Turning the flame off he turned to look at me. "Hell, no. I don't cook. But my old lady has taught me a thing or two about this shit." He mockingly smiled at the pot then at me and then back to the pot. "Like for example, how to keep the pot resting in the stove."

I punched him playfully but annoyed at the same time. "And besides, I made a bet with Dawn as to how long you would last before giving up." I shot him a glare. "I won. She said half-hour. I betted twenty minutes." He just smiled at my reaction. "You should know we gave you some credit. Carson said five." I took a deep breath because no matter how hard I tried to fake slight irritation, I really just wanted to laugh. "Why did you come to my rescue then? I still hadn't given up." I folded my arms and cocked an eyebrow just the way he did.

Two-Bit chuckled happily again and just stared at me. "Because, when Kitty Curtis says 'fudge', you know shit's going on." How come these people know me so fucking well? Oh. Right! Because they are my friends, dumbass.

When I was around two and still learning how to talk, one of my dad's best friends came over for dinner and accidentally let the word 'fuck' slip. My parents immediately covered his mistake and no one noticed that I had instantly liked the word. Since I couldn't pronounce 'c's or 'k's, I my first pathetic attempt to say the word came out as 'fudge'. Ever since, each time something is really shitty, I say fudge. It is kind of lame when you explain it to others but I guess that's just the way I roll.

Because I couldn't fight the urge anymore, I chuckled. "Right." I said a little embarrassed. Two-Bit grinned. "C'mon. Let's get this as cleaned up as possible and get Soda to make something edible."

When we finished, I walked over to where Steve and Soda where playing poker. They where so into it that it was funny to see the way my brother reacted when Steve did his showdown revealing a perfectly well established Diamond Straight Flush. He smiled in victory. "In your face." He said. Soda groaned as he spilled his cards all over the table and stood up. "Show off." He said. Steve grinned. "You're just pissed off because I still won even though you cheated." He was clearly enjoying himself. "Yeah, yeah." Soda said walking towards the kitchen.

Steve rolled his eyes and started arranging the cards into a deck to play again. "Anyone of you pussies dares to challenge me?" He dared threatening as he shuffled the cards. When no one answered, I grinned and walk to stand in front of him across the table. "I do." I said. Although I had no freaking clue as how to play poker, I figured, it couldn't be that bad, now can it?

Five minutes later I realized I really, really, really, really, really have to stop assuming things over.

Blair sat down next to me to try to 'help' me win Steve over. She stared at the deck and stood in silence wondering what I could do with the cards I was playing. "Pull down the four and take the queen." She said but I shook my head. "No." I whispered. Steve had a grin on his face as he shot us a glance and then turned to his own deck. He knew I had no chance against him. Great…

"I tell you. Pull down the four and take the queen!" She insisted. "I know what I'm doing, B." I said. Lie! I had no clue what I was doing or how I had managed to get a hold of the cards I was playing but I didn't want to feel like the idiot who didn't know how the hell to play a simple game of cards. "Kitty!" "No." God she was getting on my nerves.

I ignored her suggestion and pulled down an ace and took a five from the deck, like the stubborn asshole that I am. Blair groaned at idiocy and Steve took the queen quite pleasingly. He smiled and showdown his deck. My eyes widened. He had an Imperial Straight Flush lying in the table. "See? I told you to take the damn queen!" Blair said punching my shoulder. I punched her back and soon it became a 'punch you, punch me' game.

Blair Mathews is either your best friend or your worst enemy. She has chocolate brown straight long hair. Seen from far, her eyes seem to be decorated by a special shade of brown. But once close enough and without her hair covering her eyes, they are a shade of pale icy blue. She has long well-defined brown eyebrows that never seem to move from place. They complement her neutral expression. She is a little bit shorter than I am but higher than Carson without question. She has a slender but with a good built body. She's my age. Her expression seems somehow unfriendly and doesn't change much even when she's nice. She has a very violently disregard for the rules and known as the party girl of Tulsa. She is a direct and honest person who doesn't mind hurting someone's feelings and is described as a bitch by many people. But they say bitch like it's a bad thing. She may not understand the concept of love and affection as it is commonly portrayed but she understands things like loyalty. She will never turn your back on you as long as you don't turn yours on her. Blair is a wild and crazy teenager and I wouldn't want her any other way.

When it got old, I wondered around the house thinking about the crab's immortality, until I stepped into the kitchen and decided to waste my time talking to Sodapop. "Hey, brother." I said casually walking towards his left side. He smiled once he turned towards me. "Hey, Kit. What's up?" "Nothing much, just hanging." "That's good." Okay, so it wasn't a first-rate entertaining conversation but I was about to make my point. I promise.

I took a deep breath as I turned to stare at the wall for no particular reason. "You know, Soda, I think I got the perfect job for you." My tone was clear but still lacking feeling. Soda turned to look at me, stopping to do whatever it was he was making. "Really? What is it?" I could sense excitement in his eyes and that made me smile. Aw. Cutie. "I saw you helping Steve today at the DX and I thought you would really like working there. You know, fixing cars and shit. That seems to be your thing." Soda chuckled and turned his attention back to what he was cooking.

"Well, that better be true. I mean, I managed to pass Auto Mechanics and all." He said. I sighed and rolled my eyes annoyed. I didn't mind that Soda had dropped out. That was his problem and he stuck to the consequences. I didn't have anything against it. But what really pissed me off was the fact that he would occasionally bring himself down and label himself as dumb. I didn't know how to stick in his pretty little head the fact that he wasn't dumb. Not one bit.

"Yeah, it _is_ your thing." I said encouraging him but also wanting to make clear the fact that he indeed had a special talent. Something he was good at. Just like any other person. Soda sighed and looked down for a moment. "I dunno, Kit." I frowned slightly and turned my whole body to face him. "Why not?" After a minute of silence I figured he wasn't going to give me an answer, so I just kept on talking. "Soda," I grabbed his chin with my right hand and turned him to face me. "Just promise me you're going to think about it. Give it a try." I said. Even in my grip, my brother smiled and nodded. "Sure, Kit. I will."

After dinner almost everyone was gone. Even Two-Bit had better things to do than stick around on our couch on a week's night. Johnny was silent watching TV with Pony and Dawn was grabbing her jacket before stepping outside. "Hey. Where you going? Aren't you gonna stick around?" I asked confused, stopping her before she made a run for it. I thought that since Johnny was going to sleep over she was too. Apparently, I was wrong.

"Well, Blair invited me over. Brooke's there anyway, so I think I'm just gonna stick around, ya know." She said putting on a small jean jacket that barely fit her. I nodded a little disappointed but still glad she wasn't going to sleep on the lot or anything like that. Dawn rarely ever stayed at her own house. She rather lived on the streets. Johnny and Brooke, well, they hanged out there when things weren't that ugly but Dawn had cut contact with her parents a long time ago.

"Are ya sure? I'm gonna check in with Blair to make sure you're there." I said with concern but also mocking her. Dawn didn't like when I went all protective of her but truly if I didn't protect her no one did. It was just like a best friend's job, or even just a friend's. I just wanted to make sure nothing could ever touch her.

Dawn scoffed, hand already around the doorknob. "What? You're my mother now?" She said grinning. "I just might." I grinned back. "Just… just be safe. That's all." I said patting her back. Dawn nodded and in less than ten seconds she was out the door and into the darkness.

I sighed and turned to stare at my living room. I thought first about chilling with Johnny and Pony and watch whatever the hell they where watching, but TV didn't really appeal to me. I glanced at the clock and took a deep breath. It was around nine. It was really early for my usual bed hour, but there wasn't anything worth staying awake for, so I just decided to go to bed.

I kissed Pony and Johnny goodnight, went to do the same with Soda who was in the kitchen and since I didn't know where Darry was and I was too damn lazy to look for him, I went directly to my room.

"Kitty?" Stopping at the door frame of my room, I turned around to see big Darrel standing a few feet from me. I think I took a while to acknowledge the fact that I had heard him when he spoke my name because he chuckled and smiled. "Well? Aren't you going to say goodnight?" He demanded extending his arms for a big hug. I walked over to him but kept my distance since his big bear hugs strangle the life out of me. "Sleep tight, Kitty." "You too, Darry." I said kissing him on the cheek.

I hadn't realized I was so tired but until the moment my head hit the pillow and I fell into a deep sleep.

"Hey! Has someone seen my jeans! I can't find them!" I was awakened brutally by the never-ending high voice of my older brother. I groaned as the sun pass through the glass window and placed my pillow over my face. Sweet mother of pearl. Can't anyone… I'm serious, can't anyone have some decent sleep around here. What the hell. I rolled over to the other side and attempted to get five more minutes. "I'm serious, guys! I can't find them!" Ugh. I threw the pillow to the window and got out of my sheets. "I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill them all." I said to myself as I stood up and went to take a shower.

After I was done changing and getting ready, I walked over to the kitchen. Sodapop bumped into me several times going back and forth from the living room to his bed and back. He didn't seem to notice. He was so caught up on whatever it was he had on his mind and he seemed dangerously excited so I didn't say word.

"What's up with him?" I asked no one in particular as I grabbed a plate and filled it with ham and eggs. "Dunno. He's been like that all morning." Pony said taking a drink of his chocolate milk. I frowned but ate my breakfast not really minding the fact that I had been completely unacknowledged by Soda for reasons no one had had the decency of finding out. Lovely.

I placed the plate on the sink when I was finished and hurried to brush my teeth and get my stuff.

"Hey, Kit! Let's go!" I heard Dawn call from the doorway. I groaned. "Juss a inute. I'um rushin my teet." I mumbled. I held my hair back and spat on the sink. Cleaning my mouth, I hurried out of the bathroom, took my things, said goodbye to whoever was listening and walked out with Dawn.

"So, what did you do last night?" I asked Dawn interrupting the unusual but familiar morning silence. Dawn sighed. I think she was annoyed or something. It wasn't that I wanted to know every single thing she did at every single minute, but I was curious and there wasn't anything else worth talking about. "Nothing." I chuckled. "Same old, same old?" I asked grinning. I imagined all the things that Dawn could have done with Blair and smiled at myself every now and then, but the way Dawn looked at me made my smile fade away."No, I mean literally nothing. Blair was out the moment she hit the pillow and there wasn't anything on TV and I wasn't up to talk cooties, makeup, or shit with Jamie and Brooke." I raised an eyebrow. Dawn was acting strangely cranky and it made me wonder what the hell was bothering.

"Someone is cranky." I had meant for it to sound serious. To let her know that it was concern and not mockery. But my tone failed and I guessed I pissed her off more. "Someone needs to shut the fuck up."

When we got to school the first thing we did was be dragged by the wrists by probably a slightly drunk Two-Bit.

"What the hell?" Dawn asked as our friend lead us to the guy's bathrooms. "Shut up, okay?" He said not daring to place his hand over Dawn's mouth like I would've done being him. He looked around for anyone who might be watching us and then grinned at himself when he found no one. "Come." He said grabbing us by the wrists again and placing us at one hidden corner of the bathroom. "Now, stay." He said and walked towards the door. Was it just me or it was like he was treating us like dogs? 'Come, stay, shut up.' What the fuck?

"Two-Bit! Hey!" I heard a voice from the other side of the door. "Wait. What the hell?" I immediately recognize Carson's voice and not five seconds later, she was standing next to us. Two-Bit motioned her to stand still as he looked around the bathroom and out the door more deeply this time. I couldn't imagine what he wanted to do.

"Mathews, what the fuck do you want?" Carson asked. She seemed pissed. I took a step away from her. It was not a good sign. Two-Bit just grinned at her and walked towards the sink. He chuckled as he climbed up and reached for the mirror's upper frame. "Steve helped me set this up yesterday. It should work." He said taking a few seconds to do some crazy shit up there and then managing to pull away one of the ceiling tiles.

"Two-Bit, what are you doing?" Dawn asked putting her things down and walking lazily towards him. I had almost forgotten I was carrying my things too, so I just dropped them to the floor and felt sudden relief when I no longer held the added weight. "Dawn, come here." Two-Bit said. Dawn rolled her eyes but obeyed. She climbed but the ceiling and stood next to Two-Bit. "Hold this for me." He said handing her something silvery I couldn't quite see.

Dawn examined it closely and frowned. "Two-Bit is this a…?" Two-Bit nodded. "Yep. Steve and me, we placed it on school yesterday. It was dark and it was easy to break in. But it wasn't fun if there was no one here to us as victims." He said proudly. Carson grinned suddenly pleased she was dragged to this kind of fun.

I wasn't sure if I was irritated, excited, uneasy, confused or just plain annoyed. "Hello! Am I the only one who acknowledges the fact that we are in the _guy's _bathroom?" None of them seemed to hear me. Carson was already up helping Two-Bit remove the ceiling. I folded my arms and leaned against the wall. It's not that I didn't like pranks, it was the fact that I wasn't in the mood. There where far better things I could be doing now.

Then the bell rang and Two-Bit's grin got wider. He jumped down and turned to look at Dawn and Carson. "Okay guys, this is what we do. The bottom that Dawn's holding connects the mirror with two buckets of oil. The prank works this way. The socs will be so caught up on their reflections that it'll be fucking hilarious if we mess up their pretty faces. I will give the sign, and you two will pull the cord and let the buckets fall, ya dig?" I probably looked stupid staring at him with an expression I didn't know I could make.

"Okay guys, get up the ceiling. They can't see us and Dawn the bottom is in your hand. Our _future _of this prank is in your hands." He said dramatically. Dawn stuck her tongue at him and he turned towards me. "Now, you." I raised an eyebrow. "What about me?" "You'll be in charge of the feathers." He said grinning. He didn't even let me say anything when he was already handing me quite a heavy bag of feathers. "You also need to go up. Actually, the four of us will hide in the ceiling, so its team effort!"

I sighed and rolled my eyes. I climbed up the sinks and placed both my hands on a tube. Jumping I launched myself forward and moved next to Dawn. Two-Bit passed me the bag and I prepared it for action. I took a deep breath and turned to look at my best friend. She was grinning stupidly. I rolled my eyes and sighed. We were so dead.

We stayed like that for about twenty minutes when the first group of socs stepped in. I watched them closely, waiting for Two-Bit's sign/whistle. Suddenly, Dawn let her whole bucket of oil fall into the preppy boys and I followed almost immediately with the feathers. The commotion was followed by shouts from the boys as their pride sank into their chicken outfits.

I won't deny it wasn't hilarious. But our laughs didn't last long because after repeatedly 'what the hells?' from the socs, one voice stood above the rest. "Alright out. Out! Everybody out!" I think I'm bipolar or something because the moment we saw the vice principal enter the bathroom instead of feeling my heart sinking in fear, I had to bite my lip so I wouldn't laugh.

Mr. Tomlinson sighed as he stood in front of the four socs covered in greasy oil and feathers. "Now, you boys wait right there." He said pointing at them. The socs did as they where told and just stood there like complete retards.

I hadn't noticed Two-Bit had climbed down but until I saw him standing behind the vice principal. Taking another glance at the poor boys, Tomlinson turned to his right and stood face-to-face with Two-Bit. He sighed. "Mathews, I might've known. What's been going on here?" He said putting his hands on his pockets. Two-Bit nodded and grinned stupidly. I chuckled. "Oh, nothing." He said casually. "Would it surprise you to know you're supposed to be in English class right now?" Two-Bit lowered his head, pretending to be slightly ashamed of his actions. Tomlinson noticed his indifference and sighed. "I've been sending notes home to your mother for a meeting and I haven't heard from her." He said in his deep voice. "Well, she works." Two-Bit said as though it was obvious. It was, for us at least, but for people like Tomlinson and the ape faces behind him, women are supposed to do the housework or stay around doing nothing waiting for their husbands to give them money for them to spend. I rolled my eyes.

"Well, Mathews, I'm suspending you until I can sit down with you and your mother and talk out this problems you been having here at school." I turned to look at Dawn who immediately understood the look on my face and nodded. But before either of us could do anything, the rest of Carson's oil bucket hit the floor. Or to be more precisely, it hit the vice principal. "Shit." I whispered to myself closing my eyes for a moment and then opening them again in annoyance.

I couldn't completely see Tomlinson's face but from his tone I could sense he was far from pissed. "Get down from up there this instant!" He yelled. I rolled my eyes and Dawn and I climbed down from the left side of the sink. I turned to look at Carson hoping she would catch a glance of the hint annoyance, frustration, and maybe a bit of anger in my face. But she looked proud of herself and that pissed _me_ off.

The vice principal turned to look at us three with a slight hint of anger in his face. He stood firm and authoritative before us. "Randle, Cade and Curtis. Why am I not surprised?" He said. Breaking from his dead glare, I caught sight of Two-Bit almost bursting into insane laughter. I wanted to hit him. "I don't know where to start. Not only did you trash school property, break the rules, ruin my brand new suit, are partners in crime with Mathews, but also just happen to be inside the boy's bathroom. Do any of you have gender confusion?" He asked irritated and slowly, like he was talking to five year-olds.

"We're undefined, sir." My mouth managed to say. My three friends chuckled and I wanted to rip off my big fat mouth. Tomlinson turned to look at me. His face serious, angry and his expression to kill. "You better watch your mouth, Curtis. You're not that safe from suspension either." Okay, now _I_ chuckled.

He turned to look at all of us. "Now, I want you all to clean this mess! Mathews, you're suspended, remember. As for you three, you'll be spending the rest of the month cleaning the school on Saturday mornings. Starting now." He walked passed us and turned to look at the socs. I did the same. Catching a glance for the first time of their reflections I noticed they where smiling in victory. If only I could give them a piece of my mind but I was in an enough shitty mess as it was. "As for you. Come to my office and we can get you all cleaned up."

The five of them walked out and the moment the door shut close, the retards burst into insane laughter. I was slightly annoyed but I managed to l chuckle every now and then.

The four of us hanged out outside for the rest of the day. We had been banned from school for the day anyway so we just took it in our advantage.

When we noticed school was over, we split and I went to look for Ponyboy. He was waiting by the entrance staircase, our usual waiting spot, as always and I waved at him when he saw me. "There you are." He said. "Yep. Here I am." I said cheerfully. "Heard you got in trouble today. What you do?" He asked genuinely interest and amused. "You heard right. Well, just some stupid prank Two-Bitch got us to pull in the guy's bathroom." I said as if it was no big deal. It kind of wasn't. Not for me, because I had done some pretty worst stuff than dressing socs in a chicken costume.

"Us? Wait. You said _guy's_ bathroom?" He asked confused and concern. "Yeah, Carson and Dawn where there too. Uh, yeah, Pone, the _guy's_ bathroom." I said imitating the same tone he had used and maybe mocking him a little. Hehe.

When we got home, we could hear voices from inside and I wondered how the gang had gotten there so damn fast. Pony opened the door slowly. As we stepped inside we came in contact with Darrel, Sodapop, and two other people. A man and a woman where sitting on the couch in front of my brothers and I frowned as I wondered who the hell they where or what the hell they where doing in our house.

Darry sighed as he saw us and stood up. "Kitty, Pony, there's some people here that I want you to meet."

I think my expression clearly read 'what the hell' because Darry looked at me with an apologetic and guilty face. The man and the woman stood up from the couch and walked a little bit closer to us. Darry did the same. He was acting quite odd and I wondered what the hell could be going on. "Guys, uh, this is Mr. Carmichael and Ms. Ackles. They're… they're social workers." Darry managed to say. There was a long and heavy silence around us. Social workers could not mean anything good.

The possibilities and my assumed conclusions where driving me crazy so I broke the silence. "And, what do they want here?" I asked no one in particular but intending for Darrel to answer me. The man spoke. "Please, take a seat and we'll explain." The man had a thick British accent. He was tall with jet-black hair and gray eyes. His expression was kind but firm, strict. He looked older than dad but not a day older than mid-forties. I turned to look from him to the woman. She had long wavy red hair and shiny blue eyes. She was shorter than me and probably in her late-twenties. Her expression was soft and kind and it made me doubt her.

I had heard a lot about social workers from friends at school. Most of them where mean, or at least, to the people from the wrong side of the tracks, but this two, they seemed sweet. I didn't know if I should be relieved or scared. I just knew one thing, I didn't trust them.

I stood there for a moment until I found the courage to let my guard a little bit down and do as the man asked. I walked towards Soda, who had his head bent down and hadn't said a word in the eight minutes that Pony and I had entered our home. The moment I sat down, the guy spoke.

"We're here today because the state assigned us to review your case. When the legal and/or biological parents of underage citizens die and there's no legal will, the state has to determine who will take care of the children." Oh, no. Gosh, not that. Not that… "But this case is different because you Darrel, you are legally an adult and therefore can take custody of your siblings." And my heart calmed down a little but I could still feel my whole body so tense. "Though it's not that easy. First there needs to be a trial. There the judge would determine, given your current circumstances, if Darrel is capable of taking care of three teenagers." And there went my heart again. It accelerated at such speed that it felt as though it would rip out of my chest.

He paused as we took it all in. I gulped but didn't dare turn to glance at anything or anyone else. I stood frozen. "But, while the state determines that, I'm afraid we can't let you live together." There was a pause. "At least for the time being." He added quickly. I think my heart dropped. Can't. Let. Us. Live. Together? Had they had _any_ idea how much we had been through? How much we had suffered? I could feel my emotions flying around again and my head being attacked by a million thoughts. I wanted to hit the guy. I wanted to tell both of them to get the hell out of my house. Out of my life. But it wasn't their fault. It was just their job. Fuck.

"It won't be long, I promise." The redhead broke my rage. Her voice was sweet and caring. It made me feel like she was genuinely concern for our well being. "The trial is scheduled for Saturday and it will just be what's left of today and Friday. Yes, you three will be staying at a boy's or girl's home but it won't be permanent." Darry nodded and he motioned for my siblings and me to stand up. He walked towards us. "I need you guys to pack your things. Whatever you need and go with them." He commanded.

I gulped and did as he said. I walked slowly and silently towards my room to take whatever I needed for this little stupid trip.

I took out a large bag and tossed in a pair of jeans, my converse, my pajamas, some shits, two pairs of socks, underwear, and the same black dress, black tights, my heels, and just basically health products. I sniffed as I stared into the bag trying to figure out if I was missing anything.

After a few seconds of going through my checklist, I snapped the bag shut, tossed it over my arm and stepped into the living room shutting my bedroom door behind me. Soda and Pony where already there, waiting, each carrying a bag slightly smaller than mine. I sighed.

Carmichael and Ackles stood at the foot of the door waiting patiently for us. Darry opened the door and we all went outside. "Let me help you with your bag." Ackles said. I was hesitant but handed it to her. I stared at the blue Cadillac as I placed my hands on my pocket and took a deep breath. I turned to walk towards Darry. "Guys," He started once we where all four together and none of the social workers could hear us. "I'm sorry you have to go through this. It'll be fine, okay? It'll only be for a day or so and we'll be together again Saturday." He paused as we just kept silent. He cleared his throat but kept his head held high. "I love you. Behave. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine." He turned to look at Soda and Pony.

"Soda, take care of Ponyboy, ya hear? It's you two alone out there. Stay together. You need each other." He smiled and turned to look at me. "Kitty, it's you alone out there. I'm sorry it has to be that way. Take care of yourself, please. If you need anything, just call me, any time any where." He smiled at me and pulled me into a big hug. Soda and Pony joined and it was just the four of us. Together. "I love you." He said as we pulled away. Soda turned to look at me and pulled me into a hug. Just us two. "Take care, Kit. I love you." He said kissing my forehead. "I love you too, brother." He smiled and patted my back. I turned to look at Ponyboy and kissed him as I held him close. "Take care, little brother." I said and he nodded. I watched closely as they walked towards Carmichael's Mustang and before they drove away, I turned to look at Darry.

"Darry." I said. He nodded and I turned around to face Ackles waiting for me. I hadn't realized I was holding a breath until I opened the door of the car and got in. I put my seat belt on and stared straight into the road as the engine came to life and we started driving away.

"So, is Kitty your nickname or your real name?" Ackles said after five minutes into the road. I turned to look at her. "Well yes, in a way. My complete name is KitKat Sarah." The redhead turned to look at me. "KitKat? Really? That's quite an original name." She said. "Yeah, well, my dad, he was an original person." I said in a cold tone, indifferent to any kind of conversation she was trying to make with me.

"I'm really sorry about your parents, Kitty. I know how you feel." I rolled my eyes and groaned. "Please… don't." I said. "All I've been hearing for the past weeks are remarks like yours. People don't know how I feel. Never had. Never will." The redhead sighed. "Actually, I do, Kitty." I frowned in confusion as her voice turned low and soft. "When I was around your age my parents died too. The state split up my siblings and me. I have two. An older brother and a little sister." She paused for a moment to take a deep breath. "Our social worker wasn't exactly kind. So I didn't see my siblings until I was eighteen. Jackie got adopted, you see, she was only thirteen at the time."

All of a sudden I felt bad for being so rude or for wanting to be rude. For blaming her for this stupid shit. For almost yelling at her. I sighed. "I'm sorry. I didn't know." She turned to smile at me. "That's why I want to help your family, Kitty. You guys seem like really nice people and you sure look like you love each other dearly. I want to give you guys the chance to stay together as a family. That's why I became a social worker. I want to make a difference." I smiled. "What's your name?" I asked sweetly. She smiled. "Celika." "That's a pretty name. Original too." "Thanks." Celika said blushing so little I barely noticed. "No, thank you, Celika. Thanks for wanting to help me and my family. It's been a while since anyone actually cared that way for us."

The building was old. The walls where dirty and worn on what had once been clear creamy paint. The ceiling was covered in a brick touch and there where windows in all four stories of the house. A long and thick dirty black fence surrounded the place and if it wasn't because the house was painted white, it could have easily passed as a haunted house.

The car stopped and I got out, tossing my bag over my shoulder. That atmosphere of the place was uneasy. There was something about it that made me feel uncomfortable and unwanted. "Let's go." Celika said. When we entered, we checked in with a middle-age lady behind a desk. Celika talked to her and she nodded, motioning for us to follow her. The place was as creepy in the inside as it was on the outside. And so out of life. It wasn't a place you would want to stay.

As we walked up the stairs and around the house, I would occasionally catch stares from different girls and low murmurs and whispers about the 'new girl'. What a way to feel intimidated.

The middle-age woman who I came to know as Mrs. Wilkes showed me my room and I placed my bag on the assigned bed. I was to share the room with two other girls. Great. "I'll see you tomorrow, Kitty." Celika said as she stepped out of the room. The door close behind me and I walked towards the large window.

I sat down holding my knees close to my chest and leaning my head on the glass. Darry had said that everything would be fine but I was having some trouble believing it. Who would've thought that I would end in such a place? I hadn't realized it until now but I missed my parents so much. I guess being with my siblings somehow reminded me of them and made me feel close to them. But now that I was alone, they felt so far away. A dim memory in my shadowy mind.

Rain started to pour besides me. The door opened and I could hear low female voices behind me. I didn't turned or even made a movement. I provided no sign that I was alive or even there. To them I was just some pretty face beside the rain.


	6. This Mix Could Burn A Hole In Anyone

**Chapter Six**

_**This Mix Could Burn A Hole In Anyone**_

_Dear Mom,_

_I still don't know how I managed to get the enough courage to even pick up the pencil and write to you. I would assume that after the way I talked to you and the things I said, you wouldn't want to speak to me ever again. And that would've been understandable. Even if I was your daughter. I'm not sure if I'm writing this out of sadness, loss, guilt or because I miss you. But I am and I think that out to count for something. Over the pass few days I've done a lot of thinking. I guess with you being gone I am force to look at life in a, I dunno, I guess in a more responsible way, perhaps?_

_I think I should be telling you what's been going on. I guess it would kind of lift some kind of weight off me but I don't think I'm strong enough to do so. I know that even if I manage to say something with this letter and not just waste my time, ink, and paper, I still wouldn't be able to send it. There is no where to send it anyway and I don't think I could keep it._

_I think I should just suck up my pride and just talk to you because, well because that was exactly what drove us apart. Mom, we didn't talk. We didn't know what was going on with the other. We just sat there and made conclusions that ended up hurting the other. I know that I was probably not your favorite child. I know I wasn't the most responsible, the most hard-working, the most respectful or even the kindest, but I was me. I was always me. I don't know if that was a good thing or not but that was the way things where. Mom, I'm not like you. There, I said it. I've never been like you and I'll never be. I don't like the same things and I sure as hell don't enjoy the same things. My idea of fun is not hanging out with the women from "Young People of America" or whatever the hell the name of your club was and drink tea, my idea of fun is going out with my girls and party hard._

_I always felt like the black sheep, mom. I don't know if it was because I was the only daughter or what, but I did and believe me when I say this, it doesn't feel nice. Somehow, no matter what I did, I could never get you to be proud of me. There was never a 'good job, Kitty' or an 'I'm proud of you'. No. You know mom you always had me to fight with. I mean, I know the boys weren't always on your side. But you managed to smile and even stay married to someone who fundamentally disagrees with you, but you can't love me, and I don't know why. And quite honestly, I'm done trying to find out. It's only hurting me and I love myself too much as to let it. So I'm sorry, but I'm sorry for hurting you, I'm not sorry for being me._

_Kitty Curtis_

My hand was shaking as I placed the pencil down and stared at the piece of paper I was so desperately trying to get a hold off. I could feel a tight knot on my throat as I reread every single word I had tortured my heart with.

It was three in the morning and I could hear the loud snores of my roommates embracing the silence. It was dark, both around and inside of me. I held my knees close to my chest and rocked myself back and forth. I was tired but I couldn't get myself to sleep.

I gulped as I read the letter one last time and held it tight. I felt like crying but I couldn't. One, because I literally couldn't and two, because I didn't want the unconscious girls to think the new girl couldn't make it through one night without bawling like a baby.

I folded the letter and placed it on my night table. I couldn't and didn't want to deal with _that_ anymore. So, I turned to the left and lied down, placing the sheets over my cold body. This had been a bad idea. I shouldn't be here. I should be lying on the comfort of my own bed knowing that when I woke up there would be a loving family and insane friends waiting for me at the other side of the door.

This was so different. Even if I was surrounded by girls everywhere, I felt more alone than ever. I sniffled into my pillow as I fought for sleep to conquer me. I thought about Soda and Pony. Wherever they where at least they had each other. Why couldn't I have been a fucking boy? Or at least have a sister? I didn't like being alone. I wondered if they where asleep. Maybe they where cuddling together, washing away tears and comforting each other. Maybe they already had a ton of friends and where laughing stupidly as they pretended they where asleep every time the caretaker walked by their door. Maybe they where feeling better than I was.

I sighed. I wanted a hug so bad. A kiss or a warm smile. Any sign of appreciation would suffice but as the minutes passed and I just lay there, I knew I wasn't getting any. So I got deeper into the sheets and closed my eyes. It took a while but I was finally asleep.

As the bright sun caressed my skin and interrupted my sleep, I wished that the moment I opened my eyes I would magically appear in my room and last night, last week, last month, everything would have just been a dream and everything was back to normal. I turned myself to the other side trying to avoid the fact that I was now conscious and that I wouldn't get back to sleep.

Five seconds later I was sitting on the edge of the bed sighing sleepily but still my eyes where close. "Are you gonna get the fuck up or not?" I heard an unknown female voice say. I automatically opened my eyes to see who had dared talked to me that way. Standing at the side of the bed before me was a small blonde girl with icy blue eyes looking annoyingly towards me. Her expression was hard and her cold eyes stared directly at me. For a moment I felt intimidated by the dead glare but I quickly composed myself and turned my face expressionless.

"And who are you to talk to me that way?" I asked indifferently but just as rudely as she had addressed me. She raised an eyebrow and her expression hardened. "Name's Yvette and _you_ are on my territory..." She paused as she eyed me up and down with superiority. "Playdoll." What? Was I deaf or had she just called me Playdoll? What the hell? "My name's Kitty." I said, obviously correcting her mistake. She scoffed indifferently. "Whatever." She said.

I was about to say something when another girl entered the room. She had dark hair, almost as jet-black as Dawn's and shiny greenish-gray eyes like Ponyboy's. She was taller than Yvette and really pretty. She looked like some kind of aspiring model or something. "Yves!" She said hugging, lifting, and swinging Blondie the same way Darry did with me. Yvette's face softened and I swear I even saw a smile but her tone was the same. "Put me down, Linda, you know how this pisses me off." She said. "Oh, sorry." Linda said placing her in the ground again. Yvette rolled her eyes. "You should." Okay, was it just me or was this Yvette girl rude to everyone?

Linda smiled apologetically and then turned to look at me. She eyed me the same way Blondie had and I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable. I shot a quick glance at myself, searching for anything that might be wrong with me. No. I was just as normal and gorgeous-looking as I had been yesterday's morning. I turned to look at the girls and their stares. What a way to bring my self-esteem down.

"So, who do we have here?" Linda asked folding her arms with the same hint of superiority as Blondie had. "Playdoll." Yvette said. God! Again with the fucking nickname! "My name is Kitty!" I said annoyed. Linda's eyes widened and her expression looked half-surprised and half-scared, like she couldn't believe I had talked back. Her glance slowly turned to look at Blondie. What the hell?

I stood firm with my head held high as Yvette walked slowly but fiercely towards me. "Look, pretty face, I can call you any name I fucking want, ya hear?" I almost laughed at the stupidity. Wow, this girl was really something. I stood up took a step closer towards her. It was clear that I was taller but I wasn't sure it was clear that I could also be stronger. "Look, shortie, fuck off." Dad had always told me that when someone was rude, mean or just plainly bullying me, I should turn around and ignore them, but that technique didn't work in the real world. In a girl's world you either fought back or you got eaten alive.

Blondie turned around and walked away but not before shooting me a dead glare. I watched closely as the two girls walked out of the room and I was left alone in my own little world... again. I sighed and let myself drop in the hardness of the stupid bed. I was not even been awake for fifteen fucking minutes and I already had a mortal enemy. Lovely.

I made my bed, grabbed some clean clothes and made my way to find the bathroom Mrs. Wilkes had showed me yesterday. There where two bathrooms on each floor. A total of eight bathrooms for more than fifty girls. Joy.

I walked sleepy but firm towards the bathroom door. I turned the doorknob to the side and closed the door behind me. I let the shower run as I started to undress myself. Not five minutes inside, there where violent knocks on the door and before I could react to them three girls got in. One turned off the shower and quite rudely grabbed me by the arm and pushed me out. Another one shot me a glare. "Wait your turn, bitch." Okay... I rolled my eyes and turned around noticing for the first time that there was indeed a line of impatient girls waiting to use both bathrooms. I gulped. Shit.

"Hey, you!" I heard someone say. Despite the fact that I knew there where other ten girls around me and the voice could be addressing anyone, I turned around instinctively; besides, I was the new one here and I was pretty sure everyone else knew each other by name so that meant I was very likely to be addressed with a personal pronoun for lack of a name. I pointed to myself just to be sure.

"Yes, you." A tall girl said reaching me. She had light brown almost reddish curly hair. Her eyes where dark, chocolate brown and her pale skin was covered with freckles all around. She looked older than me and far more intimidating. I sighed. I was not up for another friendly rivalry if that was what this girl wanted. "You must be Playdoll." She said. I rolled my eyes and shot her a glare. She bit her lip to prevent from laughing. "Oh sorry, I thought you wanted to be called that." She said slightly confused at my reaction. I rolled my eyes again. How many girls had Blondie shared her little nickname to? Fuck her. "Why on earth would _anyone_ _like_ being called 'Playdoll'?" I asked indignant.

The girl shrugged. "I dunno. I guess half of the girls here are not what you could say exactly 'normal'." I was starting to get really annoyed. I rolled my eyes and turned around, determined to walk away and find somewhere suitable to bathe. "Wait!" The girl said the moment she realized I couldn't care less about this little conversation. She placed her hand on my shoulder and I turned around. "Look, I don't know what little Yvette told you and quite honestly, I don't care, but if you're here to bug me about it, feel free to fuck off." I said rather harshly. I was serious when I said I would kick the ass of the next girl that dared to shitty me.

She sighed. "What's your name? Mine's Karen." My expression softened as I was able to catch a glimpse of the kindness in her eyes. Maybe this girl wasn't as bad or annoying as the others but I couldn't be sure and time had taught me not to trust anyone.

But now it was time to answer her question and it took me a while before I could speak. I have never been ashamed of my name. It was an original and beautiful name but it could also be considered weird. A chocolate bar? Seriously? Yeah. Though I had my fair share of 'no kidding?' and 'is that your real name?', I really wasn't up to give the Callahan Girls (the freaking name of the orphanage) any more reasons to make my stay a living hell.

I debated whether I should tell her my real name or just my nickname. Since I had determined earlier that I didn't trust anyone, I decided to just tell her my most common nickname, just as I had with Blondie. "Kitty." I said plain and simple. The word came out as a monologue and I was surprised my voice was so empty.

Karen smile. "Don't mind Yves, Kitty, she's mean to everyone." She chuckled at her own thoughts. "Though, if you want to stay on her good side, I would suggest never call her shortie again. She doesn't take comments on her height very well." I smiled proudly that my little attempt to intimidate Blondie had worked. Thank you God for making me 5'9. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I raised an eyebrow. "Why do you let her be like that? I mean, someone has to set her straight." I said. I didn't know about the others but I couldn't live with a girl that talked to me that way and/or treated me like shit. Psst. Like she was really better than me. Maybe this was my overconfidence talking, and I knew it was hard for people to stand up for themselves, especially if they where standing alone, but hell, this was just ridiculous.

Karen sighed and looked down for a moment. "We can't really blame her, you know. She has had it rough. She's been here since she was twelve. Lived from one adoptive home to another. Suffered rejection and complete loneliness." I was sure I was missing something because I couldn't see how Karen's words justified Blondie's behaviour. "So I'm supposed to sympathize with that?" I asked coldly. Karen rolled her eyes and looked at me for the first time with an annoyed expression. "You really don't get it, do you? She saw her mother kill herself. She was raised in the most miserable of ways. She was physiologically and physically abused by every single adult she's ever lived with." I was blinded by hatred, I knew that.

I sighed. I wanted to argue back. In my book that kind of past traumatic lives didn't justify that kind of behaviour. It was not the world's fault Blondie's life was shitty. Just suck it up and move on. But I didn't push it because I knew this was an argument I couldn't win. "Okay, fine." I said. Karen half-smiled at me. "What about you?" I asked for the mere sake of making conversation. Karen scoffed. "Who? Me? Oh I have been here for as long as I have memory." She said proudly.

I frowned. "How old are you?" I asked with curiosity. "Seventeen." I gulped. I could barely survive a day here but _seventeen years_? What the hell? May some unseen force bless the girl. "Wow." My intelligent mind managed to say. "Yep. They said my mother left me here just a few months after I was born. Apparently she was a young girl who couldn't take care of me. That's why I can't wait to turn eighteen, so I get the fuck out of here and find her." "Go find her?" I asked almost shockingly. Karen read my expression correctly. "I don't hold any kind of grudge against her, Kitty. She did was she thought was best for me. She could've killed me or something. But she didn't because _she loved me_. And _that_ is the only thing I could ever ask of her." She paused for a moment. "I want to find her so I can tell her that I forgive her and I love her."

I felt guilty as her words sank in. Karen had lived her life not knowing who her mother was and she still managed to love her unconditionally, when I who had lived by my mother's side, had, well, you know the story.

"So, why are you here?" She asked. I chuckled. Ain't _that_ the million dollar question.

As much as I really didn't want to talk about it I knew I wouldn't get out of here unless someone got it out of me. Better just say it and be done with it.

"My parents died a few weeks ago. Car crash." "Yep. Pretty much the usual here." Karen interrupted me, scoffing at my own silly words. I rolled my eyes and ignored her. "No. _I_ caused it." I could feel my voice starting to break. Karen's stupid smile was replaced with a frown as she looked at me with confusion, curiosity, and slight fear.

I guess I should've expected a reaction like that, I mean if some girl came over to me and said 'Hey! I killed my parents in a car crash.' I would've been like 'back off, bitch'. But still, the reaction was kind of harsh, even if it hadn't been intentional.

Karen's voice was low and fearful. "What do you mean you 'caused it'?" She asked staring at me intently. I sighed and looked around. We where still surrounded by girls and I didn't want my story to be heard by the wrong ears. "Can we go talk somewhere else?" I asked. God this was not only stupid but embarrassing. I should've kept my mouth shut. I should've lied. I wouldn't be in this situation if I had.

Karen nodded her face expressionless. "Sure. Follow me." She said. I gulped as I followed her down two floors into the foyer. She walked into the kitchen and into one of the many cabinets. She paused inside, making sure no one was following us and making sure no one was watching. I frowned at her odd behaviour. I had asked for a more private place, not a top-secret military facility. She moved an old curtain that revealed a forgotten door. There was a lot of dust but my nose was strong enough to handle the unwanted allergies. She opened the door slowly and motioned for me to follow her.

Closing the door behind me, I walked slowly with caution down the stairs in complete darkness. "You know, Karen, this would be easier with the lights on." I stated the obvious. Karen didn't seem to listen or she was completely ignoring me. Wonderful, I had just gained a potential friend and my big fat mouth ruined it.

I almost fell when there was no more stairs left and I was persistent into walking down some more.

I stood patiently by the stair's rail waiting for Karen to acknowledge my presence or to turn on the lights as I had suggested. She really couldn't expect me to know my way around when I couldn't see a damn thing. Or maybe she did? After all, she couldn't give a damn about the well-being of a girl that was no less of a murderer to her own eyes. To interrupt my thoughts, the lights flick on and I was glad I didn't have to listen to myself anymore.

As my eyes adjust to the light and I found myself in... Yeah, what do you usually find below the main floor? Answer: The basement. I rolled my eyes at my own lack of common sense. I followed Karen around as she started to look for something. What else could she possibly need? We where in a basement for crying out loud! I was sure no one could hear a thing from down here. I was starting to think the girl had taken the whole 'can we talk somewhere else?' thing a little too far.

Karen stood in front of a bunch of boxes and effortlessly moved them to the side. She smiled at herself as a very old and dusty door appeared from behind the boxes. Oh my, a hiding place. I wondered what more secrets this little place upheld. Karen opened the door slowly and I followed her inside instinctively. She closed the door behind me as I took two steps inside the room. "This was a bomb shelter. Well, still is actually. Built in the late 1940s. A group of girls discovered it five years ago. They where the ones that decorated it."

The room before me looked comfy and even welcoming. The walls where covered with quills of different colours. A large multicoloured carpet filled the floor. There was an old coffee table resting exactly on the middle of the room. There where sets of pillows around it and four comfy chairs on opposite sides.

Placing my clothes and health products that I had been holding for the past minutes on one of the chairs, I walked around the room. I would never have thought a place as dull as this would have such a colourful room.

As I wondered around, one thing caught eye. One of section of the walls wasn't covered with quills but rather with a wooden plate. It had some inscriptions in it. I frowned slightly as I made my way towards it to read what it said. I caressed the old wood with my fingers as I read the names. _Louise "Sugarpop", Mattie "Chewie", Darlene "Skeeter", and Sheila "Torade". _

I felt a cold hand on my arm and I turned to look at Karen who was contemplating the plate the same way I was. I followed her gaze into a lower inscription. _Karen "Petite Fille". _I turned to look at her again. She didn't look at me but she felt my gaze. "They considered me one of them. I was twelve when they where seventeen. They where all leaving soon and they wanted to leave a part of them behind. I was arranging the basement when I heard their laughs. The moment I knew about their little secret place they immediately made me feel welcome." She paused for a moment, contemplating the names before her. "Louise always told me that one day I would have my own legacy and girls would talk about me forever." I smiled. "_Petite Fille_?" Karen chuckled at what must've been a memory. "Louise was French. She would always tell me _'Je t'aime ma petite fille'_, so it stayed. It means 'I love you, my little one'." I nodded. "I know."

She chuckled again and turned to look at the room. "They where nice girls but very different, though they all shared one thing in common. They all had a troubled past. Dark memories they wanted to run away from." She turned to look at me placing both hands on my shoulders. "So, Kitty, nothing you did could be that bad." She said reassuring. I sighed and rolled my eyes the moment she had turned and walked towards the chairs. I took one last glance at the plate.

I smiled at it. I admit the name 'Sugarpop' made me think of Soda and 'Chewie' of a candy bar but they all where pretty original and the girls, though their presence was not physical, made me feel welcome.

I sat down on the rainbow puffy chair across from Karen and began my story.

* * *

Day 423596 in another planet. Our hero has silently but cautiously survived twenty-four hours without losing her sanity. Only half a day more and I wonder if she'll make it.

I spend my whole day with Karen. My story intrigued her but also saddened her. Me? It hurt me, but then again, the pain that I suffered every time the memory played was as familiar to me and as natural as breathing. I couldn't escape from it, so I just learned to live with it. It was hard, I knew that, but that was life.

I lifted open my window slowly. It was a little heavier than what I had expected but I was still able to open it just enough to get my small body through it. I looked around to make sure no one was there or any place close as I crawled through the brick roof and sat leaning against the wall. I closed my eyes as I felt the gentle breeze caress my skin. It was six in the afternoon and it was close to sunset. My favourite time of day. Lovely.

I hadn't realized I had fallen asleep until someone tabbed my shoulder and caressed my cheek. I opened my eyes slowly, not really expecting anyone in particular.

I almost jumped in both joy and fear when I saw Two-Bit sitting in front of me. Two-Bit caught me quickly before I almost fell into the ground. A three floor fall would not have been pleasing. "Wow. Easy there, big fella." Two-Bit said leaning me carefully back into the wall. "Geez girl, anyone who didn't know you better would've thought you where drunk." He paused for a moment, examining me more closely. "Are you drunk?" He asked cocking an eyebrow.

"Of course not!" I answered immediately without thinking about it. Two-Bit nodded mockingly. "If you where drunk you wouldn't know you where drunk, now would you?" He said. I raised an eyebrow in confusion. I don't think that made any sense. "Anyway... God Two-Bit, what the hell are you doing here?" I asked. Only one thing crossed my mind. I was so dead if Wilkes found Two-Bitch and me sneaking around. She had clearly stated "NO BOYS ALLOWED". According to her, that was the number one reason this was a _girl's _home. Insert rolling of eyes here.

"You know, you could thank me though, there is not just one girl's home in Tulsa. I think I got myself a restriction order in each of them." He said smiling. Aw. That was like so cute. My tone softened. "Two-Bit, did you just spend a whole Friday looking for me?" I asked placing a flattered hand over my chest.

"You're my best friend Kit. I would do anything for you." He said. Then he sighed. "Besides, with the whole suspension thing, I didn't have anything better to do." I rolled my eyes and let my hand drop. So typical Two-Bit, never good with moments.

I sighed as the first and most important part of the sentence sank in. _"Besides, with the whole suspension thing…" "The whole suspension thing…" "Suspension thing…" _I frowned for a moment and turned to look at my best friend. "Two-Bit, why haven't you given your mom Tomlinson's notes?" I asked. I had been surprised when the vice-principal had mentioned it. Why hadn't he told me? We where best friends, now where we? Best friends tell each other everything. Or not? I'm not exactly sure how the female-male friendship status works.

Two-Bit sighed but his smile didn't fade. "I told you Kit, she works." He said simply. I eyed him coolly. I was pretty damn sure he was lying. The question here was, why so? "Buddy, you actually expect me to believe _that_?" I cocked an eyebrow his way.

Two-Bit didn't look at me and I knew I had hit a nerve. I never really cared that I was making him uncomfortable or that I was forcing him to admit something he didn't want to talk about. I knew him better than anyone and I knew when to be cold and get it out of him. Sometimes it got ugly and things where said that they really shouldn't but in the end I was doing it because I knew what was best for him.

When dear Mr. Mathews didn't answer, I rephrased my question. "Two-Bit, why didn't you give your mom the notes?" I was persistent and I knew I was also being annoying but it was important to me. He sighed and his smile faded. "Kitty, my mom works. She has the weight of my and my sister's worlds trusted upon her back. Do you think I want to make her life any more difficult by bothering her with my problems? No, I don't." He paused for a moment. I wanted then to make the obvious statement that if he didn't want to make her life any more complicated then he should be trying to behave properly and not get in half the shit he normally does, but I refrained from doing so because there really was no point in pointing that out.

The silence was not awkward but it was uncomfortable. I looked around me, frowning slightly as the wind caressed my face. "What are you going to do then? About Tomlinson?" I asked turning to face him. Two-Bit turned to look me directly in the eye for the first time since the begin of this little talk. He grinned and though I could not find a particular reason why he would do so, it sent a good sign through my skin. "Tomlinson is the least of my worries. I know how to work him." He said winking at me.

Oh god. I smiled to hide the worry I knew would splash across my face if I didn't fight it. I knew Two-Bit and I knew a hundred different ways he could 'work' someone. I rolled my eyes.

I wasn't sure if this was some sort of post-traumatic reaction but ever since 'the accident' I've become more alert and stupidly worry-freak than before. It's like I'm scared that if I don't make sure everything is fine, something bad can happen and I can lose it all. It's annoying but it's that thought alone that keeps me awake at night.

I could feel the sun going down and I turned to look at the sky. The horizon was a golden line and the sky was painted with different shades of orange, pink and gold. All around it, you could see the opaque shades turning darker and you knew night was just around the corner. It was beautiful. I never really stopped to look at a sunset before. I always had better things to do or I was too busy to remind myself of watching it. But at that moment, as the silence of another day covered the atmosphere it was like I had never seen anything more beautiful. Of course I knew this was my favorite time of day but because I had experienced it whenever I was walking by the streets and I just happened to be caught in it, not because I had sat down to fully appreciate it.

Sitting there, with my back against the old dirty cream-colored wall, and the breezes of autumn around me, I found more reasons to love it. "That's some nice stuff." I could hear Two-Bit say. I had almost forgotten he was sitting right in front of me. I was surprised he had acknowledged something purely dreamy as a sunset. "It sure is." I said. And there was silence again.

This moment brought me peace but it also gave me time to think. I realized then that I was scared. Scared for a trial. Scared that my life was to be determined by some judge that had no connection to my family. Scared because my whole life could change in a matter of seconds. Scared because I didn't want to be alone. I could feel hot tears wanting to form in my eyes but I fought them back. I didn't want to cry because it wasn't going to solve anything. I sniffled instead and just because I couldn't hold that back. Two-Bit noticed my troubled expression and I made my best effort to keep my glance away.

"Kitty, what's wrong?" He leaned forward so that he was just inches away from my face. With him being so close my pathetic attempts to look away would fail. Fuck. "Nothing." I managed to say. Two-Bit sighed and placed his hand on my chin. He made me face him. "Tell me the truth." As my eyes locked glances with his I knew I had lost. It took me a minute to get it all out of me, to choose my words wise so that no unwanted information would slip away. "It's just the trial. I mean, tomorrow I'm going to go to a court house and I'm going to be sitting there and there is going to be a person that I don't know talk about my life and then have another person that I don't know either decide if my life can stay on the same path or not."

My voice was shaking. Two-Bit kept silent waiting for me to continue. "It's just… I don't know. I'm scared, Two-Bit, I'm scared because I don't want things to change more than what they already have. I want to have my life back." "Kitty-" "I don't want to be alone." I finally admitted. Two-Bit sighed and caressed my cheek with his soft warm hand. He looked at me in a way that was unexplainable. I wasn't sure what I was feeling. I was too scared to notice anything else. Looking at me with those pale gray eyes, he smiled and his smile was sweet and kind. "Kitty, you'll never be alone. You got us… You got me and I promise you that no matter what happens when you look back I'll always be there." "You… you promise?" I asked. He nodded. "Always."

And then he placed his arms around my shoulders and pulled me close. It didn't matter that we where on the roof and that we could fall any minute by the way we where sitting. The only thing that matter is that having him close made me feel less alone. It made me feel safe. It made me feel loved again.


	7. Nothing But The Truth

**Chapter Seven**

_**Nothing But The Truth**_

"What the hell was that?" "Is she… is she with a _guy_?" "Hmm. Wait until Wilkes finds out about this one." "Will all of you bitches shut up? She's going to hear you, for Pete's sake!" I could hear whispers, well attempts at whispers, coming from inside the room as I expertly sneaked back in. I shut the window slowly and carefully as I waved at Two-Bit who just smiled and made his way down. I sighed happily as I took one more look before closing the curtains and returning to my personal hell.

The voices faded the moment I stepped into the room but I hadn't given it much importance. I was standing with a stupid smile on my face in a dark room inside a lifeless house, yet everything seemed fine. I wondered how long that would last.

I walked towards my bed, ready to just put on some pajamas and jump into dreamless sleep so that tomorrow I could be able to face whatever it was that life wanted to throw at me. But I couldn't do so. The moment I reached to pull the sheets and disturb my perfectly well done bed, someone cleared their throat. It caught my immediate attention, even if I hadn't meant it to. It was then that I noticed for the first time the locked stares coming from four different girls. To my complete displeasure, it was Blondie, Linda and some unknown Jane Does.

"What?" I asked indifferently. The bitch and her minions where sitting in a circle on the far end of the room. I eyed them coolly, straightening my back and with my head held high. I knew that would piss off Blondie right off. "What the hell was that?" The one who spoke was to my surprise not Yvette. The girl had long straight red hair and green eyes. She was so pale that it looked almost unhealthy but her all around freckles gave her a more vivid appearance. I took a step forward toward the little cliché.

"And, uh, who are you?" My lack of interest was clear and I hoped that they would just do their thing and leave me the hell alone. God, if only Karen was here. The redhead raised an eyebrow in mock superiority. _That_ was getting old. "Regina." I nodded indifferently. I turned to look at the other girl sitting next to her. She was staring at the floor, timidly, like she didn't want to be a part of it. She had chopped off light brown hair and looked so tiny crawled up like a ball that I instantly associated her with a tiny pixie. "And you?" I asked. My tone was just as mean and rude as theirs. You know what the say: "Don't mess with the bull or you'll get the horns."

The little pixie looked up and turned to look at me in a kind of scared way. I swear I even saw her gulp. My first thought was simple. What on earth had I done for her to behave in such a way around me? I knew my pose was intimidating and all but it was meant for Blondie not her. Maybe I gave off mixed signals. I don't know. "G-G-Ga-Gail." She stuttered. Well that was a pretty name.

I walked towards her, not really caring what the other girls would think. Maybe it was maternal instincts or a clear sense of what friendship was, but I wanted to make the girl feel better. She looked scared to dead. Gail held her knees close to her, hiding her arms between her chest and her legs. She looked disturbed and sick. It was scary. I walked around the girls, Linda moved to the left so I could sit and I got down looking at Gail.

"Hey, what's wrong?" I said in a low kind voice. There where tears streaming off her face. She didn't look at me. She didn't answer me. She just kept looking down at her knees. And that's when I saw it. There was blood flowing down her right elbow. I frowned in confusion as I made sense of it. I grabbed her right arm carefully and away from her tight grip.

The whole arm was glowing red and there was a clear painful cut centimeters down her wrist. The sight almost made me sick. I gasped in horror and searched for the one thing I didn't want to find. Gail was holding a six inch blue-handle switchblade close to her chest. Now it was me who gulped.

I instantly turned to look at the other girls. I'm not sure if my expression revealed anger, disgust, or just plain hatred but it was enough for them to move a step away. "What the fucking hell is this?" None of the girls answered and I didn't waste my time waiting for them to. The only thing in my mind was helping Gail.

"C'mon sweetie, let me help you." I said holding her arm carefully. She didn't move but when I attempted to take the knife away from her, she reacted to it all. "No!" She said, managing to get loose of my grip and holding the switchblade away from my reach. I was stuck dumb.

"The girl doesn't want your help, Playdoll." Yvette said. I tried to ignore her but my anger was too much. "Call me Playdoll one more time and you'll regret it!" I gave her my most deadly glare. I really wanted her to fuck off and leave me alone but that was obviously not going to happen since I had become her main source of entertainment.

"No can do, Playdoll. You see, in our world we don't have the stupid shit that you do and with time we have learned to live with that but it doesn't mean it don't hurt. We cut Gail as a favor to her long-time suffering. We've all done it, at some point and you know what? It feels damn great!" That was enough to boil my blood. "Bitch." I said and then it all happened so fast.

I had enough of her and I meant it. I didn't care that her life was completely miserable and sad, mine was too but I didn't act like a total heartless bitch and blame the world. I walked towards her. Words may hurt more but at that moment I wanted her to gasp in pain. Physical pain would be easier and instant. I would enjoy it at the moment. I didn't have time or patience to waste my breath on her.

I hit her. There was a moment in which everything seemed to happen in slow motion. As I realized what I had done, I also watched intently as my fist moved away from Yvette's face and blood came out of her nose. She turned to look at me. I hadn't realized she was also holding a blade, otherwise I may have thought twice about this.

She pointed at me with her blade and was possibly determined to cut me too. She couldn't and wouldn't touch me. But that's easier said than done. I held her right hand that hold the knife and struggled to keep her off me. The other girls stared at us, shocked and scared, unsure on what to do. And then everything happened so fast again. One second I was fighting my best to get away from that knife and then I felt it. And to my utter surprise, Yvette was right.

As the pain shot through my veins, I shuddered. For a moment, my mind was clear. I forgot about everything. Every memory, every word, every nightmare. All the emotional pain that I had been living with was gone. I couldn't feel anything and I couldn't remember anything either. All that was there was the dim suffering of an electric shock sent through my skin but that was bearable.

I realize now that if Linda and Regina hadn't stepped in, Yvette might've killed me. Well, no I don't think so. Even with my strong dislike towards her, I didn't think she could do it. She could hurt me but not kill me, not even do something close to it. As I fell free of her grip, I backed away.

Everything went back to normal. I turned to look at what she had done. Resting two inches down my elbow joint lay a diagonal cut. It was perfectly straight and about four centimeters long. It didn't look deep but blood was continuously leaving my body. I felt about to throw up at the mere sight.

As I became fully aware of it, that's when it hurt the most. But it was fine because that was the only thing I felt and I could live with it. I grasp in pain for a few seconds but nothing more.

I pressed my hand against the cut and sat down at the end of the bed trying to calm myself. Linda walked up to me, holding what looked like a first aid kit. She sat down next to me and opened the case taking out a cotton ball and a bottle of alcohol. She let a few drops of alcohol fall into the cotton ball and turned to look at me. "Give me your arm." She said. I obeyed and extended my arm towards her. She stared at the cut for a few seconds and then caressed it with the wet ball. I cringed as it burned. I felt the need to blow into it or to pat it or to hold something and strangle it.

Linda didn't seem to notice my reaction. She just kept cleaning and healing. She took another cotton ball and repeated the process and I became used to it. "There." She said plainly. I half-smiled at her and turned to look at my forearm. There was no longer blood coming out of my body and the cut had healed itself and slowly forming a scar.

Linda closed the case and got up without saying another word. I watched her walk towards Yvette and I couldn't help but feel like I had really screwed up. I looked around the room trying to ignore my stupid conscious. It shouldn't be me the one to apologize. It should be _her_. It had been Yvette the one that had started it. It had been her the one that came up with the stupid Playdoll nickname. It had been her the one that had threaten me with a knife. And it had been her the one that cut me.

Yet, it would have to be me the one to end it. Great…

I sighed and stood up. This was so stupid and completely ridiculous. Pride affecting. I couldn't believe I was actually _apologizing_ to someone about stupid shit that I hadn't started. I groaned. I walked towards Yvette who was sitting on her bed with Linda and Regina at either side. Yay. As I got closer, Regina eyed me coldly. I ignored her insufficient attempts at intimidating me.

I sat down on my bed and looked directly at Yvette. "What do you want, bitch?" I had second thoughts about doing this. It went against everything that my stupid pride had taught me but it was the right thing to do. "Look, Yvette, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have hit you and I shouldn't have yelled at you. I-" "No, Playdoll, you shouldn't be the one to apologize. It should be me." She paused for a second. I think I gasped in shock. She looked at Linda and Regina and nodded. Both girls stood up and walked away.

She looked down and I noticed for the first time how the tone in her voice was different. How it was sweet and kind and from a completely different person than the Yvette I had met earlier. I didn't even mind that she had called me Playdoll again. The way she spoke made it seemed like she really meant the apology.

"Girl, I'm jealous of you." She said looking at me directly in the eyes. "What?" I asked before I could stop myself. Yvette rolled her eyes. "Oh don't act surprised. Playdoll, you have a family. _This_ is not permanent." I wondered for a moment how had she possibly have known about my siblings, then I remembered that between the Callahan Girls there where barely any secrets. "You get a second chance. Tomorrow you're gonna leave and you're gonna go back to the ones you love. We, we don't have that."

I looked down for a moment. I realized now what Karen had meant. _"__We can't really blame her, you know. She has had it rough. She's been here since she was twelve. Lived from one adoptive home to another. Suffered rejection and complete loneliness."_

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I cut you and hurt you." She said giving me a small smile. I returned the gesture. After that heart-to-heart I thought that Yvette and I could get along, maybe even be friends. I kept looking at her and she noticed. "If you expect me to hug you and make-out then you can forget it." I chuckled. She stood up and looked down at me. "You better get some sleep. You have a big day tomorrow. And don't you worry about Gail, Linda healed her too." I smiled.

She was right. I didn't even bother to change. I just went to bed and pulled the warm sheets over me. I hadn't realized I was tired until my head hit the pillow.

* * *

I gazed at my reflection one more time before I was finally able to convince myself I was properly dressed and looked beautiful. I was wearing the same thing I wore to my parent's funeral. If I keep on wearing this for the same unpleasant events, I would end up hating it. Same thing applied for Saturdays.

I stared at the mirror. Who was that girl standing before me? The one who was sad and scared. The one who wore a mask to fool the world. Looking at myself it felt like I was forced to conceal what I thought, how I felt. Who was I? If not another lonely soul wrapped within chains of darkness and trapped in a world where I have to hide my heart. That couldn't be me, could it? I looked for an answer but all I could find was my own reflection staring back at me.

I was lost...

The door to the bedroom flung opened and in came an overly cheerful Karen who stood next to me and placed her hands on my shoulders as she contemplated the mirror. "You look beautiful." She said smiling. I managed a small smile. She frowned for a moment as she noticed my discomfort. "What's wrong?" She asked. I shook my head. "Nothing. Just, just a little nervous." My voice was trembling so it made it more believable. Thank God.

"Okay. Well, hurry up, Celika is downstairs and waiting for you." I nodded. She smiled and hurried to the main floor, closing the door behind her. So this was it. The moment I had been waiting for. Then why wasn't I happy? If I was about to see my family and friends, how can I not bring myself to figure a smile? There was a simple answer for that. Fear. Fear that things wouldn't go as I wanted them to. In my ridiculous mind, it seemed better to not see my family and get split up than to see them again and then get split up. It would hurt less.

I took a deep breath. Positive thoughts. I needed to think positive. _We will stay together. We will stay together. We will stay together. _I repeated over and over again in my mind. I prayed it work.

I walked downstairs slowly. I wanted everything to go smoothly which was just plain stupid. If it all went fast, then time wouldn't give my mind any time to think and I would be liberated from unnecessary pain. But as always, that choice wasn't on my book.

"Hey Kitty." Celika greeted me with a hug as I stepped into the foyer. "Hey." I hug back. "Ready to go?" I looked around me. Was I ready to go? Hell yeah. Did I want to go? Fifty-fifty. "Yeah." I said. She nodded. "Okay. Well, depending on how the trial goes, is if we come back to pack or not." I nodded. "Well, I didn't unpack so I have my hopes up." I said in an attempt to sound both pleasing and funny. Celika chuckled. "Good." This was the stage in which the conversation was starting to get awkward. "Off we go then." She said.

I said goodbye to Karen and Mrs. Wilkes and stepped inside the passenger seat of Celika's blue Cadillac. The ride started quiet then Celika had the annoying absolute need to make conversation with me. Sigh. "So I talked to the judge yesterday about your case and guess what? Our chances are pretty high." I turned to look at her in disbelief. "Why?" She turned to look at me surprised at my question. Truth be told I was surprised too. "_Why?_ Kitty, I thought you'd be happy." "I _am_ happy." I said truthfully. My god, what was wrong with me today?

I didn't push it into getting straight answers about the reasons behind the facts. I warned myself to just be content with what was going on. "It all depends on you though and on your siblings. The judge is looking for reasons why you want to stay together so I would recommend you spoke the truth." I wondered how exactly Celika could be so sure that I actually _wanted_ to stay with Darry. Maybe I liked it in the girl's house. Maybe my version of the truth wasn't what the judge was looking for.

Now I wanted to slap myself at the sarcasm in my words. Instead of saying what I didn't mean, I just nodded.

I had never been to the courthouse before. Never had to. It was an old building much like the orphanage, with white walls painted too many times and a Greek-style main entrance. I gulped as I stared at the building from the car window. Celika parked the car in the lot and we both got out quickly. The trial was scheduled for noon and it was already 11:50. Fuck.

We hurried up the endless stairs and tried not to trip with my ridiculously high heels. "This way." Celika motioned and that way I went. She led me to two big doors and motioned for me that it was okay to open them. I didn't hesitate in doing so.

The first person I saw was Ponyboy. He was looking around until his eyes met mine. He smiled widely and I almost run up to him. The moment my arms where able to reach him I pulled him close into a very tight hug. "I missed you, Kitty." He said. "I missed you too, Ponyboy." I said. I felt my eyes wanting to cry but I fought them. I was not about to ruin my makeup. I eventually let go of my little brother and before I could have a moment to breathe a certain Darry strangled the life out of me. "Let the girl breathe, Darry, or she won't make it to tomorrow." Someone said but it was obvious who.

Darry let go of me, kissing me on the forehead and turning to mess with his little brother's recently greased hair. "Hey KittyKat." Soda said. I hugged him before any words could come out of my mouth. I was wrong. Seeing them once more was exactly what I needed. "My god, I missed you." I said. He kissed me just the way Darry did. "Me too."

The judge cleared his throat and motioned for us to take a seat. That was the only reason why Soda and I broke apart; otherwise we would've stayed hugging each other for a long time.

We took our seats at one of the two wooden tables placed at the front. Celika was seating at her own table. I looked over at her for a moment. She was looking straight ahead, concentrated on what she was doing. I gave her a smile the moment she turned to look at us. She smiled back and for the first time since I had woke up this morning I was actually confident everything was going to be fine.

I didn't really pay attention to the beginning of the session. I was day-dreaming about random stuff. God this was boring. The judge kept going blah, blah, blah and shit, so I tried to picture him naked. Let me tell you, imagining an old man naked was not something I had a pleasing time sticking into my head. So I began to play with my hands. For some reason I just couldn't stand still. Not even Sodapop who is known for being dangerously hyper was as stressed or nervous as I was.

He placed his hand over mine and caressed it. This somehow calmed me a bit but I was still blazing with nerves.

It was then Celika's time to speak. She started with a well-rehearsed speech of what friends and family meant to us Curtis'. That reminded me. I turned towards Soda. "Hey, where's the gang?" I whispered. He took a minute to realize I was addressing him. I figured he was just as bored and distracted as I was. That made me feel a little bit better. At least I wasn't the only one. "Um, behind you." He whispered back not moving from his firm position.

I turned to look behind me, slowly and smoothly, obviously avoiding portraying the obvious 'I-have-better-things-to-do-like-turn-around-and-look-for-my-friends-than-pay-attention-to-you-about-your-boring-shit'.

Just as Soda had said, my friends where at the back of the room, occupying the entire left side rows. I eyed each of them closely. They looked just as bored as I was and probably wishing they where somewhere else. I did too. Brookie waved at me when my eyes caught her glance. I smiled in return knowing that I couldn't possibly wave back. That would be highly disrespectful.

Before turning around I noticed Dally wasn't there but that wasn't such a shocker. This was a courthouse after all. Winston would need to be literally dragged in before he could take a step on his own. I didn't mind and I was actually glad it was that way. If he where here, well, let's just say that might've been interesting.

I turned around the moment Darry was called up and didn't fully realize it until my older brother got up and walked towards the stand. He had to do the whole 'I swear I'll tell the truth and nothing but the truth. So help me God' thing. My glance followed him, and I payed close attention for the first time since the whole thing began.

"Darrel," Celika began. I could feel my nerves rising and I held Soda's hand tighter. I silently prayed everything would be okay. "You're twenty years-old, high school graduate, and football player." Celika was pacing around the room and I wished she would just make her point. "You could be at collage making your way into a professional career. But instead, you have chosen to take care of your younger siblings. Why so?"

I stared at Darry intently. I didn't know how what Celika had just said was going to help us. I mean, she had just pointed out that the kid had too good an opportunity as to give it all away to take care of his three siblings.

Darry looked so nervous he seemed at the border of sweating. He desperately needed to calm down. I gulped at my lack of efficiency in that matter. He looked down and took a deep breath. I sincerely hoped this ended good.

"Because they are my family." Maybe it was the words, maybe it was the way he said it, maybe it was the fact that I believed him, but as I understood the meaning behind his sentence my entire body relaxed. Even Darry's own face softened. He tried to avoid looking down, cleared his throat and continued. "Your honor, my parents are gone. My siblings are the only family I got left. I don't want to lose them too. They are the most important thing in my life."

I felt my mouth slightly open and I fought back the desperate need to say 'aw'. His words had been well-chosen but not empty. They where sincere words from the heart and I was stuck on that moment. The exact moment Darry had told the world he loved us. Nothing could be bad; nothing could hurt us, because we had each other. And everything was going to be fine.

I wasn't sure of the jury's reaction but Celika smiled pleasingly. That could count as a good thing, now could it? I turned to look at the judge but he didn't say anything. He just nodded. "Thank you, Darrel Curtis." Darry let go of a breath I knew he had been holding since the moment he stepped forward and relaxed as he walked back towards us and took a seat again.

I smiled at him but he didn't see me. That was quite alright, I was still too distracted in his words.

"I will now call Sodapop Curtis to the stand." The judge said. Soda let go of my hand the moment he heard his name. I felt unprotected as his touch vanished. I took a deep breath and bite my lower lip.

"Sodapop," Celika started using a very patient, kind tone to relax my wickedly nervous brother. "Can you describe your experience these past few days at Rockwell Community Home for Boys?" She asked casually. The question didn't catch me off guard. At this point I already expected everything. What interested me was the way Ackles managed to make all of this interrogation sound like a normal casual chat.

I leaned forward and started to bite my nails. A nasty habit but I was desperate. "Well, it wasn't really something totally different. I was with boys and it all seemed like this huge brotherhood thing. I was also with my younger brother Ponyboy, so I didn't feel completely alone." Oh my god. Lie Soda, for pity's sake, lie!

"But it didn't feel like home, ya know? There was something missing. Like a part of me. Sure, I was with Pony and all, but it wasn't like home. It didn't _feel_ right. Like the place to be. And to be totally honest, it wasn't pleasing." Better Soda, dunno if you lied but that was better.

"So, in a few words, you would rather spend your time with your family?" Celika repeated the obvious. Soda nodded. He even managed a small smile. "Of course, just like Darry said, these guys are my family and well, they mean everything to me. I would only want to be a part of their lives and them of mine." Celika nodded the same pleased smile trusted upon her face.

"Thank you, Sodapop." The judge said tiredly. Soda got up the moment he was allowed to and walked, or more like an attempt at jogging, towards us. Darry winked at him and he took his seat next to me. I leaned towards the back of my seat. If my calculations where correct, and I wished really hard that was not the case, then I would be next. Lovely. I sank as much as I could in my seat waiting for the fearful words.

"I will now call KitKat Curtis to the stand." Fuck. My. Life.

I took a deep breath knowing I would regret the moment I stood up and walk to the stand. Soda patted my back fully understanding how hard this was. I tried to avoid everyone's gaze as I first walked to a police officer holding a Holy Bible. I placed my right hand on top of it and swore to God I would tell the truth and that shit.

The moment I sat on the stand Celika spoke.

"KitKat, your case is especially important in this situation. As it is _obviously_ known, you are the only female member left in your household." She emphasized the word 'obviously'. I successfully avoided rolling my eyes at such possible ignorance from any person in the room. Whoever didn't get it could take a step forward and I would gladly show them.

I nodded and she went on. "If you where to choose between living with your brothers or a girl's home, what would you choose?" I gulped for a moment as I tried to search for the correct words. I couldn't just say that I wanted to stay with the retards I had as family because I loved them. Though that was completely true, this people needed something more. They wanted facts, arguments; something as simple as three words wouldn't suffice.

I looked down for a moment. I was so nervous I was surprised I wasn't shaking. I had one shot at this and I was desperate to get it right. Knowing that didn't help me calm down. I placed my hand over my right forearm, caressing the still painful scar that I had brought on myself. _That_ was the result of a day at a girl's home. If that was the way it went, I would be dead by the time I reached eighteen. I knew though, those were just my own silly thoughts talking. It wasn't like it could actually happen. Or maybe it could. Who knew? God I needed to stop babbling and speak. Preferably say something smart.

"With my brothers." I stated simple and with some extra effort, calmly too. "In the simplest terms, I would say it is because I love them and though that is completely true, there is much more behind it." I stopped for a moment, trying to get my whole act together. I didn't want to make a whole speech but I wanted everyone to listen to me.

So they wanted nothing but truth, huh? Nothing but the truth they would get.

"Miss Ackles, I accept the fact that living in a girl's home would be possibly the right choice for me but I think you're crazy if you think it's the best." I gulped not really sure if those words had really come out my mouth. "Family is the basic instinct for a human being. Anyone who's ever had one would give anything for the survival of it. Those same anyone's would also take their family for granted. I don't want that." Another long pause and I prayed to God I was doing this right.

"Life has taught me that nothing's permanent. I've already lost my parents and I honestly don't want to lose my brothers too, especially if they're still around. In the girl's home I felt lonely. And I honestly don't want to go back. I don't think I could stand it."

Celika nodded and I don't remember if she smiled in pleasure as she had with Darry and Soda. "Thank you, KitKat." She said when everyone realized I had nothing more to say. I got up far too fast and almost made a run for it. I think it had gone fairly good. Maybe I should've omitted the 'I don't think I could stand it' part but everything else seemed okay. I think I was going to be sick.

Before I sat down, Dawn managed to catch my attention and give me a thumps up. I half-smiled at her. I wanted to sink in her arms so badly and have her beat everything that wasn't working out in my life. Hmm. That wouldn't leave much.

I sat down and hold Soda's hand so tight he grimaced in slight pain. I let loose a little but still hold tight.

It felt like the whole room was silent for a long time. But as I turned to look at the clock I realized it was just my mind playing games with me and a full minute had passed. Yearning for the moment that I hoped would never come, Ponyboy was called up. I almost protested. He was just a kid. How on earth would he know what was best for him? God Kitty, I was completely underestimating him. He would probably give a way better answer than the complete bullshit I babbled. I wondered if there was a way to shut down my mind. Does someone want to knock me out cold? It would be highly appreciated. Sigh.

"Ponyboy," Celika used the same tone I knew far too well. "You're the youngest. Whatever this court decides would especially affect you. What you have to say is most important. So we want to know what _you_ think about all of this." Ponyboy sighed. He looked highly annoyed. I didn't blame him and it kind of made me feel relieved. At least someone in this crazy pack wasn't covered head over heels in nerves.

_C'mon, kid. Get it right._ I gave him my most supporting smile.

"Darry is the best older brother anyone can have and I think the judge would be ignorant if he can't see that. You don't know him, the way we do. He's smart and dedicated and responsible. He has taken care of us his whole life. This isn't something new to him." He took a long pause. His expression was serious. The way he spoke, it made you listen to him. "I want everyone to know that Darry isn't perfect, but he does his best and that's all anyone could ever ask of him. And guess what? His best is good enough for me. There is no one more qualified for the job than him because he's our brother and he loves us. Because he's the only one who knows what it's like to be us. He's the only who would understand. And he's the only one who would give it his all for us." Now why couldn't _I_ have said that? Sigh…

"Thank you, Ponyboy." The judge said before Celika could manage to ask anything else. I wasn't sure if he was pissed off because Pony had just called him ignorant but he could suck it. I would've done the same thing and it is true, for use of a better word, he would be a fucking retard if he didn't see how great Darry was at taking care of us.

The moment my younger brother sat, there was silence. No one spoke. Everyone sat still. I could hear the clock ticking and my nervous breaths. It was only time.

"I call for a break while the judge and the jury decide the fate of this case." The judge said simply.

My whole body relaxed as I let go of a breath I didn't know I was holding. I stood up quickly and made my way outside to take in some fresh air. I could only take all that much at once.

The air outside was cold and I admit it was way smarter to stay inside but I was overwhelmed, and besides I wanted the annoying feeling of vomiting to pass.

About two minutes later, I felt a cold hand on my shoulder which was followed almost instantly by a matching voice. "Well, that was quite something, was it?" For doubt that I might be relating the voice to the wrong person, I turned around to see for myself. Pony was standing at my side. Frankly I had expected the voice to be someone else's. Pony just didn't make remarks like that, or maybe I just didn't know him all that well? I didn't really care at the moment.

I just nodded and he gave me small smile. I wasn't really in the talking mood and I figured he wasn't either since he started to look around his jacket pocket for something.

I turned to look straight ahead, not staring at anything in particular but not interested in what he was doing either. However, the moment the smoke surrounded me he had my full attention.

I brushed the smoke away. It was hitting my face and the mere smell made me dizzy. Pony looked at me as though reading my expression and suddenly looked guilty. "Oh, I'm sorry, want one, Kit?" He asked. I frowned for a moment wondering what kind expression I must be wearing that he thought I was thinking he was being inconsiderate for not offering me a cancer stick instead of the obvious 'get that shit off me' face that I had intended.

"No thanks." I said taking a step to my right. "And you shouldn't be smoking either." I said. Pony looked bored. "How come?" I had never really cared that Ponyboy smoked. He was old enough to do whatever the hell he wanted. Most of our gang smoked too anyway. I couldn't recall the exact moment he started or who had first offered him one, just that he had done it behind mom and dad's back and that the only ones who knew at the time where us. But what really disturbed me was, did he really had to do it right here at the courthouse when the matter of Darry getting custody of us was just being argued?

"Because, if someone sees you, it looks bad for Darry and that means points off in our custody." "It calms your nerves." He said. So that's why he had been so freaking calm when it had been his time to speak. Smartass kid.

I thought about what he had said for a moment. I had never touched a cigarette. Never had the desire to but if what the kid was saying was true and it did relax you, hell once couldn't kill me, now could it?

He turned to look ahead not really waiting for my answer. I hesitated for a moment. _Don't think about it._ I advice myself and so I snapped the cigarette off his mouth and took a sip.

I grabbed the cancer stick between my index and middle fingers and then placed it on my mouth holding it gently but firm. I took one sip and fell how the smoke invaded my lungs. I hold the smoke in my mouth until I realized I had to pass it to the back of my throat and then exhale. That went terribly. First of all, I passed the smoke way too fast, feeling how it burned my throat and the desperate need to cough invaded my entire body.

"Hold it." Ponyboy said, or at least that's what I thought he said since I wasn't really paying much attention to him. I tried doing what he said, though the moment I tried to hold the smoke longer, I inevitably starting having a coughing fit. I knew I looked like an idiot. Great.

I covered my mouth out of respect for my brother and tossed the cigarette to the ground. I leaned towards the ground and Ponyboy tried to help by patting my back. "You're not supposed to inhale unless you're used to it." Wiseass kid was really asking for some. I turned to look at him giving him an 'oh really?' look followed by a glare. He got what I meant and shut his trap.

And I just continued to cough and cough. I started to feel dizzy, like someone had knocked me unconscious and placed me on a Ferris feel at two-hundred and fifty miles per hour. That didn't help my previous need to vomit. And I repeat… great!

I knew we had the time on our backs but I couldn't get myself to stop and I couldn't go back there like this. "Kitty-" But I caught him off knowing exactly what he was about to point out. "I know Ponyboy!" I said between gasps of air. "Just-" But I couldn't finish because I felt another palm over my shoulder followed by a warm voice.

"Guys, the judge is calling us in." I recognized Sodapop speaking. I wasn't sure if I was glad he was here because he could kick Pone's ass or not glad because I knew he wouldn't really do it. There was a short silence in which I figured Ponyboy must have indicated to look at the poor girl almost puking her guts out. "Kitty? Are you okay?" "She couldn't hold her smoke." Pony answered for me with genuine concern in his voice. I'm sure he gave Pony a 'what the fuck' look because it was followed by an 'it's true' statement.

"Kitty?" Soda asked. "I'm. Gonna. Kill. Him." I said pathetically. "I know, Kit, but we have to get in. Think you can hold it for a while?" Well, let me see Sodapop… Not really, because I think I might faint in my own puke but since I don't really have a choice then, what do _you_ think? "Sure." I said. He gave me a smile and patted my back.

We walked in again. The hallway was silent and I had the paranoiac feeling that we might be late and everything would be ruined. Dear God, please just shut me up. Thankfully as Soda opened the door into the trial room, everyone was just starting to settle, even the judge was taking his time.

I concentrated on nothing but hanging in there and sitting down. Darry turned to look at us relieved that we hadn't just made a run for it. "Where were you guys?" He asked a little too stressed out. "We where just getting some fresh air." Ponyboy said. Darry nodded but he still looked restrained. I was glad I wasn't the only one who noticed and didn't have to be the one to talk to make him feel better.

"Dar, you look real tense. Don't worry buddy, everything's gonna be fine. You're a great brother, don't forget that." Soda said placing a palm on Darry's shoulder and giving him a reassuring smile that you just couldn't help but believe him. My older brother took a deep breath and nodded. Just then, the judge cleared his throat, played with his hammer and we all took a seat.

I looked at the judge as he arranged some papers which lay down in his desk for no one but himself to see. Celika gave us a smile but since she always smiles I wasn't sure what this one meant. I decided to interpret it as a good thing. The judge cleared his throat again and the whole room turned its attention towards him. I could feel my hand shaking but despite all assumption and thought, I was a lot calmer than a few minutes ago. I guess Ponyboy was right and the coughing fit that I was still holding was worth it.

"After a discussion of the case with its witnesses and a careful observation by the honorary members and jury of this court, I have reached a final decision." Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. "By the power granted to me by the state of Oklahoma, I declare Ponyboy Michael Curtis placed under the custody of his older brother Darrel Shaynne Curtis Jr." The judge gave the first tap with his wooden hammer. I tried my best not to clap or to burst in complete joy. Instead I turned to look at my younger brother who I was sure had never looked so happy in his life.

The judge tapped again. "By the power granted to me by the state of Oklahoma, I declare KitKat Sarah Curtis placed under the custody of her older brother Darrel Shaynne Curtis Jr." The judge gave another tap. Oh. My. God. I did it. I really did it. Oh my. I gulped several times and almost slapped myself to prove to me I wasn't dreaming. Oh god. I was so happy.

"And by the power granted to me by the state of Oklahoma, I declare Sodapop Patrick Curtis placed under the custody of his older brother Darrel Shaynne Curtis Jr. This court is now adjourned." The judge gave the final tap. I felt every nerve end of my body relax. At the sound of that final tap, my brothers and I launched ourselves into a huge hug. We did it.


	8. Charades And Pretty Lies

**Chapter Eight**

_**Charades And Pretty Lies**_

"_By the power granted to me by the state of Oklahoma, I declare KitKat Sarah Curtis placed under the custody of her older brother Darrel Shaynne Curtis Jr…" "…Under the custody of her older brother Darrel Shaynne Curtis Jr…" "…This court is now adjourned." _

The moment the wooden hammer bumped against its sister base and the first echo traveled through multiple sound waves, the whole world disappeared. Every sound, every motion, everything else was oblivious to the barrier the Curtis siblings had created. We felt each other, both in body and mind, as we held ourselves together in what seemed like the longest hug I've ever had.

Every nerve ending in my body relaxed with the heat of love and protection. The tension dispersed as we all realized what had happened and the truthiness of it all. The crowd around us started to despair. As we realized it was time to let go, though unwillingly from every party, we started to break away in slow motion, though we remained hand in hand.

Celika smiled as she walked towards us after having gathered her things from her table. We all smiled back and Darry took a step forward to thank her. He held out his hand and she took it without question. "Thanks for all you've done. We highly appreciate it." Celika couldn't help but blush at my oldest brother's obvious sense of good manners and chivalry. "The pleasure is mine." And I swear they where only missing a bow, a kiss on the palm and perhaps a giggle to make it all seem like a scene from those overly romantic love stories.

The young redhead walked away and as she made her way through the room and out the door. A gang full of juvenile menaces half-walked half-ran towards us. Blair was the first to reach me. She wrapped her arms around my neck so hard that I literally couldn't breathe. When she finally let me go I was so thankful for fresh air that I almost got on my knees and bowed to an unseen force.

"Oh my Blair. I think that's the first time you've ever hug me." Blair folded her arms and thought about it for a moment. "No, actually it's the first time I have ever hug you around your shoulders." She said cocking an eyebrow just the way her brother did. My 'good-come-back' smile disappeared. "You have no idea how bad that sounded." I said a bit disgusted at my own perverted thoughts.

"I do." She said winking and taking a few steps back so that other people could place their arms around me and tell me how much they loved me and all that shit.

"Wow. I think I'm gonna go to a girl's home and then win a trial so that Blair can hug me too." Dawn said, fixing her beautifully combed hair into a messy bun just for the sake of insulting society. My smiled covered up what I was really thinking. Dawn had no idea what she was saying. Everything's easier said than done; and if _I_ could barely stand it, someone like Dawn would break. I hoped someday she realizes she has to be careful for what she wishes for.

"Oh well, I have always been the special one." I said pushing my thoughts aside and pretending to be amused by the situation. Dawn rolled her eyes as she hugged me gently. "Whatever you need to tell yourself." She said patting my back.

After five minutes of shared hugs by both my friends and family, one missing person tap on my shoulder. "Don't _I _get a hug?" He asked. Brooke smiled at me and turned around to talk to Pony. I turned and before I could even manage a hello, Two-Bit wrapped his arms around my waist, lift me up and carried me around in circles through the entire courtroom not caring for a single moment that everyone, including powerful adults, could be looking at us with weird looks on their faces.

"Yeah, but a _hug_, not a spin me around like I'm a doll or something." I said holding on tight to his neck for fear he might drop me. "Yeah, well get used to it." He said obviously ignoring my indirect statement. I wouldn't have minded if he kept on doing it, but with the previous sick feeling from the cigarette and the dizziness I was getting from this, I was sure I would puke at any given moment, and that was not something I looked forward to.

"Two-Bit, lay off." Superman came to my rescue. "Yeah man, the girl looks like she's gonna be sick or something." Steve pointed out. I turned to look at Pony who flashed me an apologetic smile. He knew what I was thinking and the reasons why the girl looked like she was gonna be sick. He quickly got himself busy as Two-Bit set me on the floor and placed his arms around my shoulders.

"So I guess we can just head home now?" Soda asked Darry. "Sure. Everyone grab your things and let's meet at the house in ten." Darry said loosing on his tie. "Actually Darry," I stepped in before anyone had been able to make a move. "I have all my things at the girl's home and I would really like to get them back. Can you drive me there?" God bless the day I decide to go back there willingly.

Darry seemed a little confused, like I could blame him, but let his expression soften after a few seconds. "It's 'cause we didn't know if I was going to come back or not, so for the sake of not having to carry them around we just left them there." Darry nodded. "Sure Kit, and you don't have to give me any explanations. Shoot kid, relax, okay? You're too tense." I have to say he was right.

He patted my back as we started to make our way out the room, out the building. Soda and Pony raced each other for the front passenger's seat but since they tied, they couldn't decide who got the place. Of course it was obvious that Pony had won. He was after all, faster than Sodapop. But Soda knew just how to cheat to make it look like it had been his own effort that had gotten him the victory, so we couldn't really decide.

To avoid any given conflict, Darry gave the seat to me. I smiled in victory as I got inside and stuck my tongue out my brothers. Mom hated it when I acted like the boys. I could hear her very own scowls in my head. _"KitKat, it is rude to stick out your tongue to others. Especially to your own siblings." "KitKat, you're a lady and ladies don't race boys to the car." _Etc. Etc.

I sighed as I sank deeper into the seat. "Yeah mom, I know." I whispered. "What was that?" I turned to look at Darry, hoping he was referring to any of my other two siblings, but no, because he was looking at me with curiosity. Shit. Had he heard me? Did he know? What did he think? Was he surprised? Confused? Did he think me crazy for talking to myself?

All right Kitty, enough with the paranoia. "Oh, nothing." I said. Darry nodded, not really giving it much thought, for which I was more than glad, and quickly got car going. I had never been happier to hear the sound of a roaring engine in my life. Oh how I missed this car. Missed my life.

The ride was all too familiar. Sodapop and Ponyboy where talking and laughing on the back about literally stupid stuff, while Darry and I just kept silent. Listening to our brothers was more than enough to make us smile. Besides, they did enough talking for the four of us and all I really wanted to do was to close my eyes and relax. Then it occurred to me that Darry may not have the slightest idea as to where the hell we where going. So my eyes automatically snapped open. Sigh. How can anyone relax if they got a million things to worry about on their hard-headed head?

"You have to take a turn here." I pointed absent-mindedly to the road. "Yeah, I know Kit." Darry asked. I nodded and kept glancing towards the window. Well, there went five minutes of worrying and not relaxing that I'll never get back. Great.

As I got comfortable in the seat and finally manage to clear my mind and close my eyes, I started feeling the disturbing movements of the car. Something I had never felt so intently before. Sigh… Yep, my pathetic attempt to smoke a cigarette was finally kicking in. And I felt dizzy. Today was just not my day.

Darry did a final turn, glancing at his written directions just to make sure he got it right, and parked in front of the old decrypted house for the third time this week.

The sick feeling in my gut was not present anymore, because this time my whole being knew for a fact that after the twenty minutes or so that it would take me to gather my things and leave would make it the last time I would ever have to set foot on a girl's home. Or so I hoped.

The engine went dead as I got out the car and slammed the door shut. "This place gives me the creeps." Soda said as he walked next to me. I nodded in agreement as I started to walk towards the door. I sighed as I watched Darry knock on the front door and Mrs. Wilkes greeting him. After small pleasant introductions, which just makes me wonder how he does it, he was invited inside and the rest of us followed.

"Nice to have you back, KitKat." Mrs. Wilkes addressed me in a very unfamiliar nice way. What had Darrel done and/or said? It was creepy. "She's not actually staying, Mrs. Wilkes. I'd like to inform you that I have won custody of my siblings and so we're here to pick up my sister's things." Darry interrupted before I could even manage a word. I can actually speak for myself, Darry, thank you very much. Sigh.

"Oh, well, in that case, you know your way KitKat." I half-smiled at her and tapped Soda on the ribs to come help me. We walked up the stairs, up a floor, and into my room. All the way Sodapop kept getting glances and intimate stares from girls everywhere, so much that he clenched towards me like they could eat him alive or something.

"What do you expect?" I told him as I opened the door to the room. "You're really good-looking." I spoke like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Yeah, I know, but it's still creepy." "Imagine me. I'm your sister. For me it's all more awkward." He chuckled and I smile for lack of nothing better to do.

I had almost everything packed. I couldn't sleep that night and so the moment the sun's rays escaped through the curtains I got up and packed. We went through drawers, under the bed and around the room just in case we where overlooking stuff. After ten minutes I glanced satisfied at my bag. Before I could motion Soda to take it down, three girls made their way through the hallways and struggled to get to the room quickly.

"Playdoll!" "Oh that bitch better not have left yet. Or else." "Kitty, please tell me you're still here." Soda looked at me with a confused expression and mumbled the word 'Playdoll' as a question. I shrugged as we both watched Linda, Yvette and Karen almost stumbling into the bedroom's door. "Hey Playdoll-" But Yvette's words where left mid-sentence as she took a glance at my brother. Following her gaze, soon the three girls where staring at Sodapop almost drooling. I rolled my eyes in annoyance.

"Well Kitty, we didn't know you had company." Yvette said in an alluring voice, posing towards my brother. I wanted to slap her. "Yeah, everyone this is my brother Sodapop." Soda smiled nervously and waved his hand completing my introduction. "Ain't him the guy that was here yesterday?" Linda asked probably just for the sake of talking. Soda turned to look at me with confusion. "Yeah Two-Bit was here yesterday." I stated simply. Soda nodded and after five seconds of awkward silence I spoke again.

"Well, Soda, all you need is-" "So your name's Soda, isn't it? That's pretty hot. Like burning hot." I think my jaw drew open.

Not only did Yvette interrupt me, I could live with that, but she had her hand all over Soda. Literally. The mere picture gave me the creeps. "What was that Kitty?" Soda asked in a desperate attempt to escape. "You need help with your bag? I'm on it." He said as he grabbed my bad and tried really hard to avoid Yvette. I gave him an apologetic smile to express my deepest sorry for dragging him to this. Oh well, he'll survive.

"Oh, I'll help you." Yvette half-offered half-commanded. I rolled my eyes. The moment the two love birds where out the door, Karen walked up to me. "You ready?" I sighed taking a glance around the room. "Yeah." I said. She smiled and turned towards the door. "I'll see you downstairs." She said. I nodded and watched both Linda and her leave the room.

I sighed for a moment, sitting on the edge of the bed. In the short time that I had spent here, this room played an important role in my life. It's not that I had 'too many memories here' no; it was the fact that one memory in particular was bound to change my life forever.

I turned to look at my right arm as I caressed my skin. I had not told Karen about the scar. I wondered if I should. Maybe she deserved to know what really went on with the girls here. Maybe she could help them.

I shook my head. No. Something made me change my mind. Perhaps it was my masochistic side talking. I rethought about it for a moment and came to the realization that no one really cared what I thought, or what I felt, or even what I had to say. So I kept my mouth shut.

I stood up and without another glance or another thought that could attach me back to this room, I walked out and slammed the door shut. And I was free. Or at least I thought I was.

"Oh, there she is." Exclaimed Darry as I walked down the stairs in a hurry. I smiled at him as I went to stand next to him. "Ya ready?" He asked. I nodded. Darry smiled and turned to look at Mrs. Wilkes. "Well, it's been a pleasure. Thanks for taking care of Kitty." He added a smile to his gesture. "You're welcome."

Darry pat my back and I turned to look for my missing brother Sodapop. It was easy to find him surrounded by girls. I sighed. That was getting annoying. "C'mon Romeo, let's go." I said kind of pushing him towards the door. He waved at the girls, who between giggles and stupid smiles waved back, and turned to leave. I looked at them, fixing my dress in a nervous manner. It was a good-bye.

"Yeah so, I guess this is good-bye." My voice was nervous and awkward. I looked down for a moment. Karen rolled her eyes at my pathetic attitude and wrapped her arms around me. After a second of shock I shared the hug with her and we stood like that for some fair five minutes. "Never good-bye, Kitty, but rather farewell." She whispered softly into my ear. I nodded and she smiled at me as we broke apart.

Yvette and Linda hugged me for a brief moment. I guess for simple respect or for fear at Karen's glare. Either way, the thought was what counted. I half-smiled and waved at them. Maybe Karen was right and this was indeed a farewell, it just didn't feel like it.

I walked across the foyer and out the door that Mrs. Wilkes held open for me. I smiled politely and the moment I was out and walking through the front porch, the door closed behind me and I was once again on my own in the real world.

"That was a nightmare, wasn't it?" Darry said the moment I got inside the car. "Oh tell me about it. Did you see the way those girls where harassing me?" I rolled my eyes. "Shut up, Soda. You loved it." I said throwing a ball of paper I had found underneath my seat. "Hey!" He said and threw it back. That went on until Darry got pissed. No one could him blame him though, Soda hit him quite hard.

"Either you guys stop or I'm making you walk." He said in a scowling tone. We bit our lower lips to prevent an unwanted blast of stupid giggles. I threw the ball back the moment my older brother turned his attention back to the road.

Now that was what I missed. My family or what was left of it, in continuous harmony and love for one another. No children's home or adoptive parents would do. To survive we needed to have each other.

I think I almost jumped out in utter joy and hugged one of the front porch's columns the moment the car parked in front of my house.

But I didn't. Instead, I got out, slammed the door with just enough strength so I wouldn't have to close it again, and stared with deep joy the little place I call home. And I loved what I saw. I loved the dirty white decrypted walls, the rusty metal gate, the old ceiling, the brick chimney, the small windows, the light brown door and its always-opened doorknob. I loved the sound of my steps making their way through our small garden and up the three steps. The way it felt to open that door, knowing it would be unlocked and glance inside the house. To see the living room the same way it has always been.

But most of all, I loved the way the stares of my friends where all locked on me and the smiles that followed when I came across that door. It felt _good_ to be home.

So I walked inside of it, taking back whatever control I had of my life, and became a part of the scenery, part of something I belonged to.

"Hey Kitty, I'm taking this into your room, okay?" Darry kindly offered. I nodded and he walked with my bags towards my room. Ugh. I'd have to make some unpacking later.

Since I was in no mood to change into more comfortable clothes, I just sat next to Dawn and Carson on the floor. I took off my heels though, because they where killing me and I honestly didn't need the height.

"So you guys heard?" Dawn asked the gang as some of them sat down in a circle. Gosh, this felt so middle school. "Dawn, if we had 'heard' we wouldn't be asking you to tell us." Carson said in an annoying tone stating the obvious. "Wait," I asked confused. "What have you heard? What the hell are you talking about?" I didn't fully appreciate being excluded from the conversation and since I had gone missing for two days, I deserved a fill me in.

"Friday the socs tried to get their revenge on us. You know, the chicken/vice-principal incident?" Blair started. I nodded. "Yeah, and then?" "Well, one of them wants to settle this with a little one-on-one with the guys." Now Dawn had me completely lost. "All because of some oil on their clothes? Geez, this people are touchy." I always knew that the socs lived and died for their 'dashing good looks' but this was crossing the line. I rolled my eyes in annoyance.

Before I could speak another word, Darry walk through the living room, putting on a jacket and reaching for the door. "Well, I'm off. I'll see you guys later." "We're ya going?" I asked. I turned to look at the clock for the sake that my time and place wasn't failing me. "Work. I can't afford to lose a day so I talked to my boss about coming in late, he's expecting me." He glanced at his watch as if he had just thought what I had. "Actually, I'm ten minutes late." "When are you coming back?" I interrumpted before he could walk out. "By dinner time. Bye!" He shouted as he made his way out the door. "Bye." I shouted back and then all you could hear was the engine roaring to life and quickly disappearing into the driveway.

I turned my attention back to Dawn who was impatiently waiting for me to pay her some attention. "You where saying?" "Right. Well Kit, it's not just the chicken thing, you see Friday we-" "Just tell the girl that yesterday you decided to replace the apefaces' underwear with ones that had some goddamn glue in it while they where changing and got their penises glued." It wasn't just the way he interrupted Dawn, but the way he just entered the house with no apparent concern as to what was going on as if he owned it.

I don't know what amused me more, what he said or the face that Dawn made when her spotlight was stolen. But she kept her trap shut, because no matter how pissed off she was no one grumbles at Dallas Winston. No one dares to.

"Woah! You guys really did that?" I asked partly because I wanted to know full detail what had happened and also because I wanted to rub it on Dawn's face. My friend sighed. "Yes, we did that. Let me tell you, I don't think they'll be able to use _it_ for a while." I smiled in utter joy. "Man, I wish I had been there." I said sighing happily and leaning on the couch.

"Yeah, now they want to settle it down with Steve, since he was the one that actually _did_ it, well the only one of the four of us, Carson, Blair and I, that they can touch." "And even if they touch you, you girls know we would whip them." Steve remarked as he walked into the living room from the kitchen, talking for the first time since I had come in. Sodapop followed him with a coke on his hand.

"Hey Dal, where ya been?" My brother asked. He meant to say: "Thanks for the moral support at the trial today, buddy. Don't worry, your ass wasn't missed." Well, that's what I think he meant to say and I'm sticking to it. "Crashed at Shepards'. We where at Buck's last night. Just toying with some broad, you know. Same old." Le sigh…

"It was about time, really, those socs are just looking for a good fight. They'll get what they want." Dally added lighting a cigarette for effect. "No fair, Dally! Share!" Blair's face lit up at the mere sight of smoke. And so the pack of cancer sticks was passed around. One by one, even Pony and Johnny who had been silently sitting on the table, got one. I was kind of glad when Brookie and Jamie let them pass. They where too young for it. Cuties.

My face was locked on Blair's cigarette and she noticed. "What?" She asked and followed my gaze to her hand. She smirked and for a moment I didn't know she thought of me as little innocent. I would slap her if she dared call me that. "Oh Kit, want one?" She kept her smirk as she extended her hand with the cigarette. I eyed it for a second. I gulped as I remember the coughing fit, the desperate gasps for air, the soreness in my throat, the sick feeling and dizziness I had felt later, and wondered if it was all really worth it.

"Ha! No. Kit can't hold her smoke. You should've seen her earlier. She was coughing her insides out." Soda remarked with a goofy smile on his face. Even Pony chuckled at the memory. I glared at him for a moment but I didn't think he saw me. Thanks for the moral support, brother. Hell with that, thanks for making me look real tough here.

I snapped the cigarette from Blair's hand. I placed it on my mouth in a classy fashion and took one big sip. I felt the smoke in my mouth and I did what Pony had said and hold it. I felt all the eyes on me but the only thing that mattered was the fact that I had to endure the burning smoke in my throat without giving in to the urge of coughing. I felt like I would suffocate then and there.

I didn't matter to me, because I was not to made fun off. I did it not only to prove to everyone that Kitty Curtis was not a little innocent girl, but to explore my scarce choices of how to deal with the pain I felt inside. If I could get both, what the hell?

I think everyone thought I would die, so I tortured them a little. I removed the cigarette from my mouth by a few inches, glanced at them confidently, and blow off a perfect smoke ring. How was that for innocent? Of course that was probably the stupidest thing I had ever done and forcing myself to hold that much smoke when it was only my second time would have severe consequence later. Great…

"I'm not giving you your cancer stick back, Blair." And I cocked an eyebrow. "Oh, burn." Two-Bit patted me on the shoulder looking at Soda. "I think your little sister just beat you at your own game, Sodapop." Dally said. "Good job." And he winked. I shrugged taking another sip to my cigarette. "Oh don't worry Soda, I still love you." I said sending him a mocking kiss, by which he stuck his tongue out to me.

I smiled and cleared some ash into one of my mom's old crystal pots. I'll clean that up later. "Hey Two-Bitch," I exclaimed as I got up on my feet. "Step into my office, please." He winked as he followed me into the kitchen. "What's up?" He leaned on the wall as I opened the fridge's door to get myself a coke.

"Tell me," I started as I opened the screw cap of the bottle and took a sip. "How come you missed the action?" My tone was teasing but alluring. I knew he knew what the hell I was talking about. "I told you, dumbass, I was suspended." I bit my lip to hold a smile. "Oh, right." Two-Bit raised an amused eyebrow. "Are you gonna keep mocking me about it?" I chuckled. "Maybe." I took another sip to my coke. "But you know if you hadn't been stupid as to not give ya mom the letters, you might have enjoyed it." Insert evil grin here.

"And speaking of stupid," He raised his voice but not enough for the rest of the gang to hear. "That thing that you did with the cigarette," He took my hand and raised it so that the cancer stick was just inches away from my face. "Was completely idiotic. I don't know how the hell you did it but that better not become a habit of yours."

I chuckled with slight indignity as I did what he didn't want me to and blew some smoke on his face. Not as classy as before but still pretty hot. "Yeah? How come?" I gave him the same simple answer/question that Pony had given me. Two-Bit sighed but his smile didn't fade. "I dunno. I guess, well Kitty, ever since your parents died, you've been- well, you seem happy, ya know, and I-." He took a deep breath and I waited for him, curious as to what he had to say, because despite his comical tone, what he was saying was serious.

"I would've expect you to be a nervous wreck or emotionally unstable but you're not and I just don't want to think that since you're not dealing with it or maybe not as you should, you take up smoking as your, uh, distraction, ya dig?"

I stared at him for easy five seconds, analyzing what he had just said. I knew he knew me better than anyone else but I would've never thought that he knew me _this well_. I weighted my options for a moment. I could end it now. I could finally let go and burst into tears, telling him every painful thought I carried and he could help me. Or I could make something up and pretend I'm fine, just for the sake of not be seen as weak.

That's what I did. I put on my biggest smile and nod my head to the right. Everything was fine and he had to know that. "Oh Two-Bit, no." I said caressing his cheek with my right hand and giving in to my charade. "Look, my parents died. It was just a matter of time. That's life. It is biologically a natural process. We are born, we live, reproduce, and finally die." I sighed in a calm way. "My parents' life was full and I guess it was their time. There is nothing I can do about it but to accept it and embrace it. It does not do to dwell on the past and just forget about the present." I looked at him for a moment, staring at his caring gray eyes. "I'm fine."

Lies. Lies. Lies. That's how I would deal with this. One lie at a time. And he believed me.

"Wow, Kit. You're so much more mature than what I thought." He smiled at me, seeing just the mask I shared. "That's good." He walked towards the fridge as my hand left his cheek, and took an abandoned beer bottle. I watched him closely wondering if it was the right thing or at least the smart thing to do to keep him in the dark.

He deserved to know, didn't he? He knew me so well; he should know that his assumptions weren't incorrect, that what his gut told him was true. I was not okay. God, Two-Bit, why do you summon yourself to the painful act I let you see? Why don't you fight for the truth? Why don't you provoke me? ..Me?

He snapped the door shut and I was shook back to reality. "Well, I'm off to go." I frowned for a moment as I looked at him with curiosity. "Where ya going?" He chuckled as he drank half the beer in one long sip. "Friday night I met this chick, Kathy, at the drive-in. Great girl, pretty hot too. She's got like this-" "Woah!" I interrupted him in a desperate attempt to shut him up. "I'm a girl, okay? I don't need to know why you're physically attracted to her." I said.

Two-Bit laughed, I'm pretty sure my face had something to do with it. It was a mixture of disgust with nervousness with lack of comfort. The kind you have when you see the questions for an exam you didn't study for. Sometimes I have to remind my dear friend, I don't have a penis and talking about hot chicks doesn't appeal to me. Of course, he always listens when I talk boys, but oh well, I hold the pants in this friendship.

"Cutie. Either way, I better get going, I'm taking hot chick bowling." I nodded. "Fun. Don't score too much. Remember that other's like to play around too." I said. He winked at me and I realized that instant how badly he could have misunderstood my words. I rolled my eyes. I have such perverted friends. Sigh…

He patted my shoulder and walked into the living room. I finished my coke as I listened to the exchange in good-byes and a closing door. He was gone and so was I. I was lost on my own thoughts. I replayed our conversation in my head. Something bothered me. But I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

I leaned myself against the wall and sighed. Kathy. Kathy. Kathy. Somehow the mere name made me dislike the girl. But I didn't even know her. It was frustrating. I thought about the possibility that I might be jealous of her. If I saw it from an objective point of view, he had technically chosen her over me. He wanted to spend time with _her _over spending time with me.

I stopped it right then and there. I almost slapped me. I wasn't jealous. There was no room for such pathetic emotion. Two-Bit was and will always will be my best friend. End of story. And I didn't have time to deal with the otherwise.

I took one last drag to my cigarette and placed the used butt on the trash can. I sighed off the smoke and looked up. I became vulnerable to the sound around me and my head started to hurt. Oh God, here came the dizziness again. I utterly refused to get sick so I walked towards the living room where everyone was just playing around and talking. I played my part and smiled taking another cigarette from Dally's shared pack and placing it gallantly on my mouth.

"_I would've expect you to be a nervous wreck or emotionally unstable but you're not and I just don't want to think that since you're not dealing with it or maybe not as you should, you take up smoking as your, uh, distraction, ya dig?" _

A distraction. I lay down on the couch. Another object to the well-established scenery. Smoke after smoke. That's what I needed. A distraction. It came a time when my presence became just that, a presence. I didn't move, I just thought. I became so involved in my own little world that everything around me seemed to happen in a quick motion, to such degree that in a matter of what seemed like just seconds everyone was gone.

"Wake her up, Darry. She's not moving." The voice broke through my shield and I was gently shaken wake. My eyes opened slowly. I hadn't realized I had fallen asleep. My vision was blurry as my eyes adjusted themselves to the light. I frowned in confusion as I saw Darry and Soda standing at one side of me. "There, there. Had quite a nap, didn't you?" Darry asked.

Though my subconciousness knew his voice referred to me, I couldn't answer. I just couldn't get it that he was talking to me. I felt weird and really really bad. But before I could really adjust to everything, it all hit me fast and furious.

With some energy that I had no idea as to how I had acquired it, I ran to the bathroom. It seemed surreal as I glanced into the toilet seat and felt the acid burning my throat. I vomited my empty stomach. I heard distant steps but they never reached me.

"That's what you get for going over the top." But the voice barely touched me. What was happening? I felt like in a zombie state because nothing seemed real. All that I could reason was my emotional state. Because physically I was _dying_ but in my mind everything was in peace. Harmony with my own memories.

A distraction, indeed.


	9. How To Save A Life

**Chapter Nine**

_**How To Save A Life**_

Things went back to the way they where before.

Excuse me while I laugh at my own naïve joke. Because maybe if life was all about happy endings my parents wouldn't be twitching on their grave, my oldest brother wouldn't be struggling with adulthood, my friends and I would have a normal teenage life, and maybe just maybe I would be happier.

As I walked the school halls on Monday morning I had only one thing on my mind. Dress up in my finest attitude and pretend I really didn't care…about anything. I wondered if it would make people suspicious. If they would care enough to drive past my defense and see more than just the color of my eyes.

I slammed my locker door shut and stared for vaguely five seconds at the frozen clock on top of my homeroom's door. Twenty-two days. It seems longer. Twenty-two days. I still feel it. Twenty-two days. It's not going to end.

Before making my way to the classroom, as any responsible teenager would do, I walked towards a small group of girls. My school friends. The ones whose friendship ends on graduation and we never see each other again. The ones we use to party but never to have our back. They where my school friends. Not my girls.

For many years I tried to establish more than just a basic friendship with them. That never happen.

As tired as I was and felt, I settled for an artificial conversation and let the minutes go by recklessly. I almost hesitated to make my way to class. It was temptation that kept bugging me about an open door and a free world outside four white walls. But I ignored it. Because outside, I had no where to go. At least on school I had a purpose. Something to live for. Outside it was me against a world I could not fight. So I took a seat and listened.

"The battle of Waterloo originated in Germany in 1815. Upon Napoleon's return to power, countries began forming armies as a sign of their opposition to the Seventh Coalition. Under Wellington and von Blücher, the forces assembled along the northeastern border of France."

_First she fights back the tears. As they stare, she's fine, it's okay. She smiles carefully to deceive. They smile carefully to believe. A question hands in the air. As she pretends she doesn't care. Between the lines of pain and guilt. She thinks about what she did._

"The battlefield is located in what today is Belgium and dominated by a monument called Lion Mount. Now for next week I would like a three page essay explaining the causes and effects of the battle and its impact on the people of the time. Place yourselves on the time period. Explore the history. Tomorrow we would review Napoleon's reign. You may go."

_What did she do wrong? She lost herself. Somewhere buried in lies. And she would've made it all okay. Had she known how to save a life._

"Hey Kitty! Wait up." Before I could make my way to where Dawn and Steve where chatting, I turned around and saw Mia Henderson waving a pink paper at me and hurrying through the crowds of people changing class. "Hey Mia." I said faking excitement to see her. "What's up?" She fixed her khaki skirt as she stood in front of me. "I came to give you this. We're having a party at my place Friday and I would love if you could come." Mia was a soc, with long curly strawberry blond hair and freckles.

I took the paper between my hands and smiled at the girl. "Thanks. I'll be there." I said and Mia turned around and left.

I stared at the paper for a moment. Before my parents died I was what you called a 'popular' girl. Thanks to Darry's football experience, I inherited a good high school status. Unlike most of my friends, I didn't really have a problem with the socs. Nor did they have a problem with me.

At least in the boy to girl interaction, popularity was determined by five key points: First looks, second economic status, third athletic abilities, fourth cultural activities, and last brains. I had the first one on my side. And with the girls, well, most of them wanted to get to know Sodapop. What kind of teenager would I be if I didn't use that to my advantage?

I folded the paper and put it on my left jean pocket. I wondered how different my life would be if I wore khaki skirts and blue cashmere sweaters instead of torn jeans and plaid shirts. Probably a whole lot different.

By the time I turned around, Dawn and Steve where gone and I really wasn't in the mood to be a little street dog and follow them around. I decided to go find Jelly but before I could even try to remember what class she had next, I caught a glance of the clock. A minute left for French. Maybe if I pretended that I hadn't seen it I could fool my way out of class.

But no. Because every step that I made towards the wrong direction added to the feeling of a heavy magnet that pulled me backwards. I didn't have patience today. So I just gave in to it. I have been giving in to a lot of things lately. I'd have to check on that.

"Il ya cinq accents français. Quatre d'entre eux sont utilisés avec des voyelles, une par une consonne. Quelqu'un peut me dire les premier quatre?"

Can someone tell me what the hell is the old lady talking about?

"Mademoiselle Curtis?"

I turned to look up at _Madam_ Chenard. She knew I wasn't paying attention. That bitch. I looked at what she had written on the board and tried to pay attention to her for the first time this week.

"Uh… Je suis um désolé mais um je ne sais pas."

The only French I had learned all year. 'I'm sorry' and 'I don't know'. Oh and of course greetings and that shit but that was basically it. I ignored the teacher's disappointed look and went back to dreamy land. The only reason I had taken French this year was because it looked familiar to Spanish and I knew Spanish rather well.

_Make them believe that you're fine. 'Cause after all you do feel fine. Play with your finest attitude. But granting them holes to see through. Act your best rehearse charade. With the lies you have fought to maintain. And pray to God they see. And pray to God they see…_

The bell rang and I went on to go find Jelly. If I had been looking for Carson or Blair or even Dawn, I'd know just where to find them. But Jells was different, and as the hallways started to fill again I made my way to the west side of the building. Towards the library.

The rest of the gang rarely ever picked up a book and I could easily bet a hundred bucks they had never set foot on this part of the school. Except of course, for detention hours, but even so, the principal had its own preferred room. That reminded me I had yet to make up for my hours for spilling oil on Tomlinson. Fuck.

I opened the library doors slowly. The freezing air made me shiver. We where in the middle of October for Christ's sake! Couldn't they bring it down? If I died of hypothermia I will now know why.

I walked down aisles and aisles of dusty books, some as old as my grandparents, some never been opened. I found Jelly, sitting on the far end table, with a thin white sweater hugging her. I wonder if the sweater was keeping her warm enough.

I sat down next to her and took a small glance at the book she was reading. "Hey Kit." She said without looking in my direction. "What brings you here?" Jelly knew that I loved reading but I had never been to the school's library unless I absolutely needed to. My presence wasn't exactly normal. I answered her question with another question.

"Why are you reading _Great Expectations_ again? The first time for me was enough." Jelly chuckled but her eyes never left the magic words. Unlike me, who had to have my entire attention on what I was reading to understand it, she was able to uphold a decent conversation without losing focus on either thing. "Well because unless you want to read _Mary-Jane Goes to Prom_, there isn't much left. Hence, I rather read great books again." "Hmm." I said a little bored. "You make me lazy."

She just smiled without saying another word and I knew that was possibly sign language for 'I'm reading over here so please shut up'. But I ignored her. "So, I was wondering, did Mia invite you to her party?" I could sense slight annoyance in Jelly's perfectly polite face. "Yep. Left ten minutes before you came. That pink paper is what I'm using as a bookmark." I chuckled, 'cause I knew the message behind her words. What she meant to say was _"I don't give the slightest rat's ass about the party and the socs can go to hell"_. Jelly didn't really like Mia.

"_She's so fake."_ She had once said. _"The only reason she _likes_ me is because she thinks I have money on me. It doesn't take a lot to know that just because my dad is a doctor it means he makes a lot of money."_

I agreed with her but I had this stupid urge to go to a party and I didn't want to go alone. I knew the rest of the gang rather die a painful death than step as much as a hundred mile radius from a socs home. Jelly was my only chance.

"Jelly, Jelly, Jelly, Jelly, Jelly, Jelly, Jelly." I sing-song. She put the book down, analyzing my expression for the first time. "No." I made my puppy dog eyes. "No."

I sighed. I had to try harder. I wondered what on earth would make Jell-O agree. What could I use to blackmail her into doing what I wanted? It didn't take me long to use her trust against her. "If you don't then I'll tell Soda that you have a giant drawing of him posted on the door of your closet and that you kiss it every day before coming to school." She turned to look at me with disbelief. "You wouldn't." I had her. "Wanna bet?" She sighed in defeat, because anyone who knew me knew that I always kept my promises. "Fine. But just for a while." Yes!

I stood up and kissed her cheek. If someone had seen us they would probably thought we where weird. But I didn't really care because I had just gotten my way again.

* * *

It was getting late and Jelly still hadn't arrived. I let my thoughts run wild. I took a glance at the clock resting on the nightstand next to my bed. It was eight ten. She was supposed to be here twenty minutes ago. Maybe she was ditching me. She had agreed to make me believe she cared, just to go on and stab me in the back when I needed her the most.

I shook my head. That's it! I shut down my thoughts.

I couldn't let myself think badly of Jelly. Not with everything she had done for me. It was a mistake to think that for one moment, I could let my thoughts run wild, without the slight worry they might hurt someone, including myself.

I let my fingers caress my face and press down on my temples. I was starting to get a headache. Ugh. That wasn't pleasing. A headache before a party would surely ruin my fun. I stood up from my bed and walked towards the bathroom. I glanced at myself in the mirror, admiring the work I had done. Maybe when I grow up I can be an image designer or a make up artist…Or something worthy of respect. Leer fonéticamente

I opened the medicine cabinet and looked for the acetylsalicylic acid, or for the ignorant mind, an aspirin. The cap is tricky to open. Press down, turn to the left once and then to the right. It is like that to keep little kids from opening or retarded teenagers from overdosing.

I grabbed two circular white pills in the palm of my right hand and stared at them for five seconds. I had read somewhere that a kid, probably around seventeen, had died from an aspirin overdose. I wondered how many he had needed to die. Fat chance it would only be two.

I shoved them down my throat without second thoughts or water and stared at my reflection in the mirror as the pills did their dirty work. If I looked closely I could see a scar plastered through my face, like a nail scratch. Deep enough to make me feel but not for the naked eye to see. If I looked closer I could almost see the face of a girl. A happy girl. One that lived in a world that no longer existed. One with a pretty face and no scars. A real girl. A girl that had once been me.

I lost her when I heard the front door open and then close.

I ran out of the bathroom before they could even call my name. "Hey Jells." I said as I stepped into the living room. My voice was calm and confident, like I had never had a single paranoid thought that I might have to go to this thing alone.

Jelly smiled. She was wearing a beautiful dress. The silk fabric ran smoothly, making every curve around her body shape perfectly, and fall down to her knees. It had short sleeves and a small sn ancleavage that barely showed anything that was consider inappropriate. She looked radiant in that dress. Radiant and elegant and classy. I didn't have anything like it.

"I have something for you." She said. I frowned in confusion as she turned around and took something out of a plastic bag. "Close your eyes." She said. I obeyed. As darkness welcomed me I focus on the here and now. I could hear how she slowly tossed the plastic bag away and took a few steps towards me. I could hear how she was holding something, because the air around us made it move. "There, open your eyes."

My eyes flashed up as I saw Jelly holding up a dress. It was black, made of silk too. It had no sleeves and three drop-like holes on its chest. It was slightly tight to the body and just above the knee. "It's for you." And it was for me. I knew then it was just perfect. "Jelly I-" She tossed it towards me and I held on to it tightly, afraid that if I let it out of my sight, they might take it away. "Just try it on." And I did.

It fit perfectly. I had to adjust my hair to match my dress. My hair was down, but with some added volume to the top and a plastic black thick hair band to hold it neatly. It made it all more exciting. When we where done, we walked out of my room. We where like forty minutes late. But who is punctual these days anyway? Darry was reading the paper in the kitchen's table and I sneak in to place my hands over his eyes.

"Guess who." I said. I heard him chuckle. "I don't know." He said smiling. I removed my palms from his eyes and giggled. "Well Kitty, duh." I said as my older brother turned to look at me. His jaw almost flipped open. "Wow! You look great." He said. "I know." I said striking a pose. He chuckled and rolled his eyes. "Well, I'm off. I'll be back before one. Promise." He nodded. "Okay. Stay out of trouble." He said and I kissed his cheek. "Yeah, yeah." I turned towards Jelly and we both walked out of the house. It was party night and the girls where back.

The East Side ain't that far from my house, but it is a long walk. I usually didn't mind. I liked walking under the bright lights but I was wearing heels and my feet where going to be sore before the real action began. That would not be fun. I figured we could get a ride if we got closer to _their_ side.

It was quarter to nine when we got to Main Street. We walked along the sidewalk, watching as cars went up and down, up and down the road. That's what some of us did when there was nothing else to do. It was kind of boring but at least it was better than staying at home.

I stopped because I got tired. Since I completely refused to give another step, I stroke a very sexy pose. It only took a couple of minutes for a red mustang to pull over next to us. The driver's window opened slowly. The soc was hot. He had short dirty blonde hair and bright green eyes. He was muscular but lean. I could feel little butterflies move around my stomach. He smiled at me. "Tell me, what are two fine ladies doing here without proper companionship?" He asked.

I turned to look at Jelly but she just kept her distance and nodded. "Such a pity, isn't it?" Was I flirting with him? Seems only fair since he started it. I took a step closer to the car. "We where just wondering, if you boys would be kind enough to offer us a ride to a very important party." He did a famous half smile and I ignored the little twitches going on inside of me.

I took a step backwards as he put the car on P A R K and got out. "Eric Lefevre, at your service." He said taking my right hand between his and kissing it gently. A cute French boy. Now to this I do pay attention. He smiled as he let go of my hand and opened the back door for us. Jelly eyed me suspiciously because she knew how silly I was being to a simple soc's charm.

My mom always told me to never get in a stranger's car, but she wasn't here to yell at me and at this moment, I particularly didn't care.

"Ladies, this is Rick." Eric said pointing to his friend as they both turned to look at us. I eyed Rick closely. In the darkness I couldn't see his features clearly but he had brownish-red hair and discrete freckles around his face. His eyes where dark. Confident and playful. His eyes reminded me of Soda. They looked too old to be in high school. Maybe around twenty-one. I chuckled at myself. An older man is never a problem.

"So, where to?" Eric broke my thoughts. I leaned closer to make sure he could hear me. "You know a girl named Mia Henderson? Well she's throwing a party tonight at her place." Eric looked at the road for a minute, clinching the steering wheel tightly, thinking. "Is she in any way related to a Matt Henderson?" Eric asked. Matt? Mia had a brother but I couldn't remember his name. He had graduated around two years ago. Maybe that was him.

"Yes, that's him." Jelly answered for me. Eric smiled at her. "Okay then, let's go."

The ride was mostly an exchange of names, likes and hobbies. Small talk between complete strangers. The socs seemed strangely fascinated with us. Maybe because we where too good-looking and they wanted a chance. Or maybe because they where actually fascinated with who we where. Either way, all I could think about was that I really just wanted to get to Mia's place.

To anyone from the West Side, this part of town is a completely different world. Big fancy houses decorate the perfectly clean streets. Beautiful people walk around the sidewalks, greeting and waving, pretending they like each other. There are no angry old men yelling at little kids, or hysterical mothers beating their children up with broomsticks, or juvenile delinquents getting into a fight at the rusty old park. Everything was quiet, everything was peaceful. It almost seemed rehearsed.

Mia's house is three stories tall, with yellowish cream walls and brick ceilings. It is big enough to fit a hundred people and it always seems clean. It is surrounded by a forest of perfectly green cut grass and tall firm pine trees. The garden is well preserved, without a single leave or flower out of place. The place looks too perfect to be real, but maybe that was normal in this part of town.

We pulled up in front of it. There where a couple of cars parked along the side of the house, forming a sort of barrier to keep intruders out. The music was high; you could hear it from outside. Eric opened the door for us and I stared at such place. At least my neighborhood was real.

Jelly and I walked closely, almost hand in hand. Two little girls on their first day of school in a strange town. It didn't take a genius to figure out that Mia's parents where probably out. No one on their right mind would throw a party like this with a parental figure in a one hundred mile radius.

The inside of the house was even more surreal. It was like living on a miniature palace. I could get used to this. As we walked around, we lost Eric and Rick, but that was okay. It wasn't like they where our dates or anything.

It was amazing how many different things where happening under the same room. There was an open bar which meant drunken bastards on the floor. There was a dance competition and a million spectators. There was a poker match and some gambling. There where make-out sessions and I bet the upper bedrooms where occupied. But what intrigued me or worried me the most was the south section of the house…where the druggies where.

When we where little and we went to places that where unfamiliar, our parents told us to always stay together and never lose each other. It was a good advice for twelve year-olds. I wondered if it was good advice now.

We mostly focused on the dancing. It was the one thing I was best at. People are right. Dancing is not a sport. It is an art. And so we twisted and shouted to the Rolling Stones and the Beatles. And let the atmosphere be invaded by Temptation and Byrds. And the music got faster.

I placed my feet apart firmly on the ground and bended my knees slightly. Shaking my hips as the music traveled through my body. My hands turned into fists as I placed them at my sides, leaving the thumbs open and pointing up. As the music and lyrics played so did my arms. And up and down they went like they had minds of their own.

It felt as my whole body was connected to the beat. It was a gracious movement, perfectly synchronized. I jerked my fist over the shoulder. There was no one around. It was just me and the music and an entire dance floor to myself. I clapped on the fourth beat on the right side of my body and then did the same fist-shoulder interaction with my left hand. Clap and turn to the left. Over and over I jumped between sides. This was my stage, my moment, me.

I can't remember how long I was lost between beats or how many claps I got as my body twisted in such ways that left people amazed. I don't even recall the change in dances or music. But what I do recall is that I was having fun because dancing was something I loved and I felt happy. For the first time in twenty-six days, I was actually and genuinely happy. I don't even remember how I stopped.

_What did she do wrong? She lost herself. Somewhere buried in lies. And she would've made it all okay. Had she known how to save a life._

In the next hint of reality I found myself sitting on a circle with ten or twelve other strangers, laughing and talking, like everything was alright.

We had a broken beer bottle in front of us. We watched closely as it landed on different people and how they had to make-out despite their likes or dislikes for the sake of not going against the status quo. My only thought was how I could use that beer bottle to hit a guy if he went overboard.

My voice mixed well with the mocking laugh that everyone else made as some random dude started kissing a girl's neck and vice versa. I turned my attention to something more PG-13 and that's when they handed me a glass cup. Rick was the only one I knew of the people sitting around me and I was kind of glad to see him. Where had he come from? Oh well, it didn't really matter.

I looked at the cup for a moment trying to identify the smell. "It's not for smelling, dummy." He said. "It's for drinking." And I took a sip without a thought. It tasted kind of funny. I could sense the ice tea somewhere hidden in the mixture, but the other taste was strange and new. Despite the flavor, I liked it. "What is this?" I asked as I took another long gulp, yearning to finish the cup and get a refill.

"Magic mushroom." Rick said bursting into stupid laughter. Some people say that the laugh is sometimes more funny than the joke, but there was no joke, just the laugh and for some strange reason I found it funny too. And we where laughing like idiots.

"Magic mushroom?" He nodded but the smile never faded. "Yep, it takes you to a haaaaaaaaappy place." He sing-song. "Here, let me get you a refill." He stood up but tripped in the process. He didn't stand up. He was too busy in his rare laughter.

"No! That means I won't get my refill." I said in a little girl's voice. "And I want my refill!" My whining cries amused me and they caught the attention of a girl. She handed me her cup. "Here little girl, there's no need to cry." She said silly. "Of course there is, when I don't get what I want." And there went another cup of the magical drink.

The bottle spun again and it landed on me. I clapped my hands together and got loose of a little laughter. The boy on the other side was cute. Like really cute. He had night long black hair and pale gray eyes. His features where so incredibly perfect and he was surrounded by a million rainbow colors. He was literally sparkling all over the place. I leaned towards him, in want of those plump lips.

He kissed me and I kissed back because this was way better than the drinks. He positioned himself correctly as he laid me on the ground and started kissing my neck. And I don't mean next to me, but on top of me. I moaned slowly as his gentle touches sent lighting strikes all over my body.

_As everything begins to make sense. A simple event and it all change. Run without looking back. Or stay to suffer the act. She will do one out of two things. She will admit to everything. Or she'll just pretend everything's okay. And we'll begin to wonder when it'll end._

I couldn't hear the mock laughter any more or the whistles or even the guy's kissing noises. All I could hear where faint sounds. But I did see and I could feel. At every bare touch it felt like nerve by nerve my body gave in to relaxation. I was comfortable and I was happy. Maybe this was the happy place Rick was talking about.

Then the fingers crawled down my arms and legs and the kisses started wrapping around my stomach. But wasn't I wearing a dress? I could feel the silk clothes still hugging my body. Was he really kissing _on top_ of my clothes? I started laughing again. I would've fought to restrain the giggles if we had been on the middle of a passionate sex scene. But he was just kissing me and there was nothing established saying this could be awkward.

Then it all stopped. The touches left my body and the warm fortress around me moved. All I could feel was the marble floors against my skin. Since when did I feel so cold? The guy smiled and I felt the warmth again. For a brief second and then it was gone. I'm pretty sure I looked stupid giggling like a desperate girl at his charm. Ugh. Get a hold of yourself, Kit!

I leaned towards the circle where another guy, an older guy, smiled cockily at me. "Are you liking it?" He said leaning closer to my ear. His soft empty voice sent chills down my spine. He was too close. "Do you have some more?" I wasn't even aware I was talking. It was all just buzzing sounds. "I have one just for you." I didn't see what he took out of his pocket. My eyes where locked to whatever was in front of me. I didn't move. It was like my body was physically in the room, responding to its surroundings, but my mind was somewhere else. Like I was watching the scene from a TV screen.

The small air he knocked out of the way as he moved his hands towards me, clashed against my skin. But it felt warm. His fingers where outside my lips, waiting for an entrance. I felt something dry and hard against my tongue and I chewed no questions asked. "That's my girl." The kid said. "What happens there?" I asked turning towards him. He chuckled and cocked an eyebrow. "Whatever you want. Just go with the flow."

Our lips pressed together and I felt confident of what I was doing. Then someone grabbed me by a lose hand and violently pulled out of his charm. I groaned in frustration. Jelly had me grabbed tight by the forearms. "Kitty?" She asked. I wasn't sure if Jelly was high or not. I just knew she was drunk. I could almost taste the shots and the Cuba's in my throat.

Jelly's voice was suddenly a collision of words. I started seeing these colors. I had no idea what they where called. They where bright, twirling strikes of color and they replaced the dullness in the walls. The floors where collages of different figures and as I looked down, I felt like I was no longer attached to the floors. It had started.

The walls where colliding together. I was getting nauseous and confused. I had to get out of there. I grabbed Jelly's hand as I 'ran' around the place, looking for an exit. I didn't feel stable. I was stumbling into unknown objects that I could feel with my touch but not see. Outside, there where birds flying and flowers all over the ground.

I don't remember much, because it seemed like I was living in an alternate universe, far far away from reality. And it felt good. Despite the weirdness in this silly world created by my mind, I actually felt fine. I couldn't feel pain, or anger, or sadness or anything. It was like I had never had this hole in my chest. Like I had never lost anyone. Like life was just wonderful. I wanted stay there.

But at the same time, I didn't.

Time didn't exist to me. My surroundings where a dim memory at the back of my mind. I was just conscious of my feet walking but I didn't even realize I was being spoken to, until I was slapped across the face. God I didn't even feel that.

For a moment, I was closer to reality. I could hear the voices. "She doesn't answer." "What happened?" "I think she got high." "What she took?" "I dunno but it can't be good. I mean look at her." And then I was slapped again. They really had to stop doing that. Geez.

I really wanted to speak, to tell them to cut out their crap and leave me alone, but instead I started babbling about how I loved life, and how I loved everyone and myself. It was me talking crazy about happy stuff. Someone just shut me up. So much optimism was making me sick.

Then I felt really light, like if I was flying almost and I could see the ground below me moving and it made me laugh. The sky and clouds where changing colors and then they turned black. I was set into the ground, witnessing the impact my body made with the concrete, I came back.

"What the hell?" The words came out on their own. I was in a room. A room I had never been in before. It was relatively small, well, like mine almost. With gray walls, a twin bed and a wardrobe. If this was some pathetic loser's way of a joke, it wasn't funny. But then my eyes adjusted to the light and I saw Jelly, pacing around like she was about to freak out. Before I could say something, a hand grabbed my jaw and shook me fully awake.

"Listen to me Kit, what the hell happened? I ain't got all night so you better tell me before I call your brother." I almost didn't recognize Dallas Winston holding me with his rough hands. Maybe I was at his place or something. Geez, I wish I could go back to cuckoo land again. "Quit shaking me, okay?" I said pulling away from his grip. "What the hell happened? I don't fucking know." I was kind of pissed, but mostly just dizzy from the ride and not in a good mood to be held prisoner and be interrogated.

"There was this guy and he gave me some Magic Mushroom and I thought I'd check it out. Said it send you to a happy place." I turned to look at both Winstons but their expressions made me feel like shit. "Oh shut up. I know it was stupid but like you never done shitty stuff before." Dallas rolled his eyes and Jelly walked forward.

"What was it like? You know, 'you're trip'." I sighed. "Weird. But like a good weird. But I don't think I want more psilocybin in my system for now." Jelly turned to look at Dally who sighed, slightly annoyed. "That's the scientific name for the drug." Jelly nodded.

"Alright, I'm calling Darrel to come pick you up." Dally said standing up to reach for the phone. I almost tackled him. "No! You _can't _tell Darrel. He'll freak! As would anyone else. No, this stays between us." I said getting to my feet and addressing both of them. "Look we'll just tell him that um- that I stayed over at Jelly's. He'll believe that. Right Jelly?" Jelly was too drunk to really mind. "Uh, sure, I guess." "Good, then it's settled. You'll drive us to Jelly's then I'll call Darrel."

Dally eyed me for a moment. He read my expression carefully and looked deeply at the fear in my eyes. I knew he was debating whether to be in Darry's good side or mine. He sighed and walked towards his closet, taking out a leather jacket and putting it over his arms. "Okay fine. Let's go." I let go a breath as my body relaxed.

I knew they both thought I was crazy for not telling Darry, but the truth is, they didn't understand what was going on. I knew my brother was having a hell of a 'great' time dealing with us. I didn't want to add more weight to his shoulders. I would tell him, someday, when the time was right.

Dally drove us to Jelly's house in silence. "Thanks Dal." I said as I got out and slammed the door shut. He didn't look at me, just murmured a "yeah" and drove off. I took my time before going upstairs towards Jelly's room.

I wasn't sure what time it was, so I just left Darry a message, making sure he wouldn't be able to pick up if he was still awake. As I hung up the phone I sighed. My stomach growled with hunger but I felt sick and I wasn't sure how food would react with the psilocybin. Better wait until the mushroom was out of my system. I walked up to Jelly's room and lay down next to her on her twin bed.

Whenever I slept over, we usually set up some sheets and mattresses in the floor next to her bed but I was too tired to care, and we both fit perfectly on the bed, unless of course, she moved.

I could hear the clock on the wall tick as the slow minutes went by. "Tell me what you're thinking." Jelly said. She startled me a little; I thought she was already asleep. I shrugged, though I knew she couldn't see me. "I was just thinking." She rolled over to my side. "About?" I shook my head. "About my little trip. About that party. About teenagers." "Want to talk about it?" She asked genuine concern printed on her voice. "Not really. Maybe tomorrow." I said. She sighed and nodded. "Okay then. Night."

It took me a while to fall asleep. I wish I could tell Jelly but I wasn't in the mood to talk, or with the energy to make the effort. My mind kept wondering back and forth to the party. How many countless teenagers felt what I did today? How many fell into it without any will power that could save them? How many teenagers went through what I did every day, but in a world so different from reality and so pleasing that could suck them up so deep there was no way out?

_What did she do wrong? She lost herself. Somewhere buried in lies. And she would've made it all okay…_

I wondered how you could save a life.


	10. That's Why You Will Not Survive

**Chapter Ten**

_**That's Why You Will Not Survive**_

Today I couldn't wake up. It hurt. More than ever. I could feel something bumping against my heart over and over again. It was real. It wasn't just in the imagination or in my mind. It was a soul hurt. I tried to lift my body up but I couldn't. The weight was too much. I didn't want to get out of bed. Why should I? Tell me, what was left in this world to hold on to? Where was hope and happiness? Where was forgiveness?

Nothing mattered. Regardless of what I did today, things would still be the same. Regardless of how many times I fake a smile or laughed or played mind games, the pain wasn't going to go away. Why?

I shook violently. I was trembling. I was cold. My breath was frozen. My heart was frozen. Every beat that it struggled to make, just to keep me alive, felt like a ticking. It was slow and hard to feel. It was like at any moment it could go off on how tired it was.

I knew at some point I'd have to stand up, but it felt like I would have to drag myself up and that seemed like a lot of effort for a weak heart. God, I felt old.

I closed my eyes trying to imagine happy things. What made me happy? What made me feel alive? When you have lost everything, what do you live for?

Hate. A verb. To dislike intensely or passionately. It is a powerful word. So much that it can bring your whole world down. It is a four letter splinter that can work itself into you heart. It brings tears and it brings pain and there's nothing you can do to stop it. You feel it there. Ignorance does not do the trick. You feel how it touches you, how it's so close to you that you can listen to its breathing. Hate has no heart, no love, and no forgiveness.

Hate wraps you around its finger and forces you to do things that just inflect hate to others. It's like a drug. One injection at a time and there's no coming back from it. Damned if you do and fucked up if you don't.

But you know what goes well with hate? D.I.S.A.P.P.O.I.N.T.M.E.N.T. Noun. Failing to fulfill one's hopes or expectations.

"Kitty?" There was a knock on the door. I didn't answer. "I'm gonna come in. Please, oh please be dressed. I certainly don't wanna see you naked." I didn't open my eyes. Maybe if I pretend to be asleep he would go away. "Kit, it's time to get up. C'mon you have school." Oh don't remind me. School should just be taught at home, where I don't have to deal with spoiled obnoxious teenagers and their stupid complains.

Someone should tape their mouths with duct tape or something.

I recognized Soda's voice. He walked over to my side of the bed. His footsteps echoed on the carpet floor, sending energy waves through the house. "Kitty, really, get up." I don't plan on it. I figured I'd just had to make him wait. Soda has never been the most patient person in the world. He would eventually give up on me and go. He wouldn't be the first one to make the smart move.

Then, I felt his warm hand caress my skin. It felt nice. I liked it when it was Soda who woke me up. Ponyboy usually just yelled. Or jump on top of me, but those where younger times.

His hand stopped and moved quickly towards my forehead. I could hear his breathing thicken. Oh no. His palm rested on my forehead.

"Darry!" He called. Well, if I had been asleep five seconds ago, I'm sure I wouldn't be now. Don't people know how to stand up and walk towards the person they're trying to reach instead of yelling around? I guess not.

I could feel Darry's heavy steps on the carpet floor as he made his way to my room. My eyes kept closed, though I was wide awake. I could hear Soda's breathing, too close to my face. I was tempted to tell him to fuck off.

"What's up?" He asked. His tone was calm and patient. "I think Kit's got a cold." Soda said, pressing his hand once more against my forehead, then switching to feel my cheeks. Darry moved closer to me and sat on Soda's place as he moved out of the way. His hands where also warm as they touched my forehead. I wished for a moment I could feel my skin too, and contribute to the medical analysis they where putting me through.

Darry sighed and pated my head, a little too hard. "Well, she's definitely hot. But I don't think it's anything more serious than a simple cold." "Should I wake her?" Soda asked but I stepped in before Darry could answer. "Well, she was soundly asleep before you decided to yell for Darry. And she was feeling fine before she got 'patted' on the head, now she's got a headache." I said opening my eyes for the first time. I sighed tiredly and figured a small smile for both of them.

Soda chuckled and Darry smiled. "Sorry about that." He leaned closer as he moved a few messy hairs away from my face. "How ya feeling?" "Tired." The word came out on its own. "I can see that. You look like hell. Did you sleep at all last night?" To lie or to tell the truth? "A little. I kept tossing and turning but I couldn't get comfortable. It was a few hours after one that I finally got some sleep." Hardly a lie. I should be proud of myself.

Darry nodded as he caressed my skin softly. "Well, you are a little hot. Do you want to sleep in? I can call the school. You hardly missed a day, so I don't think there would be any problem." Oh sweet Darrel, my hero in time of need. "Sure. I could use the sleep." And with those magic words, Darry fixed the sheets around me so I would be all nice and warm, kissed my forehead and walked out the room.

"Lucky." Soda said to me as he fixed his undershirt into his jeans. "You get to sleep in and I get to go to work." I frowned. "Work?" Soda sighed. "Yep. I told you yesterday. I thought about what you said and I applied at the DX for a job. I start today." And as if to complement his words, he put on a light blue DX shirt and fixed the collar. "Oh. Right."

…_When I lived in the real world, _I used to pretend I was sick so that my parents would let me stay at home and I could sleep all I wanted. That used to work. Until I turned thirteen and every power I had over my mother failed.

"Well, I'm off. See ya later Kitty." Soda said walking out of the room. Had I really been so out last night that I hadn't even remember Soda speaking of his new job? It could be. I spend most of dinner thinking about stupid shit and simply nodding to whoever addressed me. But Soda could talk and I was getting overwhelmed. So with an untouched plate of food, I excused myself and went over to my room. I had yearned that sleep would clear my mind. Obviously, it didn't.

The moment the door slammed shut and there were no voices around, I stood up.

I knew I wouldn't go back to sleep and I wasn't in the mood to waste my precious day off trying. I went to the kitchen to get something to eat. Nothing appealed to me and eating dear Mr. Chocolate Cake _again _was out of question. I wondered if my brothers got the clue that I didn't really like chocolate cake. Chocolate frosting was okay, but the whole thing was just too much.

Without another glance, I went over the bathroom and get ready to go out. Anywhere was good. And it would be some fresh air. I felt like Cinderella, I just had to get home before two and my evil step-brothers would leave me alone. Hmm, if only I was on my way to meet Prince Charming.

As I step outside the cold autumn air wrapped itself around me. Well it hadn't been a bad idea to bring a jacket. I closed the door behind me and sighed as I wondered where to go.

Step by step I didn't leave the west side. I didn't want anyone I knew to see me but I didn't want to have to walk all the way home from the other side of town. I guess we can't all have what we want, now can we?

Life is like a carousel. Riding along we go up and down. What's done is done. There's no fixing, no changing, no making it better. So let the wind take away the hurt you've come to know so well. Let it go because it's alright. There are no lies, just the truth and there's no use in dwelling on the past. Let it go, because despite whatever you might think, you're better without it.

_**Rose Hill Memorial Park**_

The gates where open, just like any day between seven a.m. to seven p.m., or nine, depending on the occation.

I was getting chilly. It felt like a welcome sign.

There is something about graveyards that just creeps me out. It's not the fact that dead people are buried here, dead people who might as well be living skeletons or ghosts, like from the movies or horror novels that you see. But rather the fact that history is buried, and within history are memories, and in memories lays the past, and I run from the past. I felt haunted.

I had sworn I would never set foot in a cementery again. Once for the funeral had been enough. But that, as other promises, had been broken. Things change and so promises go right along with it. I wondered though, at what point I had decided to let it happen.

I heard dead leaves crunch beneath my feet as step by step I made my way. I hugged myself as I dwelt against the wind that deliberately tried to push me backwards. If I hadn't been determined, I might have let it. I wondered what might've happened then.

Then, my feet stop. They knew where they where going even if every other end of my body didn't. I stood in front of two tombstones.

It is one thing to know, to listen about your parents' dead. It is another to see it.

**In memory of: **

_Darrel Shaynne Curtis Sr. _

_May 21st, 1924 - September 27th, 1964 _

_Beloved husband and father._

**In memory of:**

_Sarah Louise Curtis_

_December 11th, 1924 - September 27th, 1964_

_Beloved wife and mother._

It felt like my eyes where literally locked, forcing me to stare at the inscriptions. I had felt this many times. Yet it still hit me. This time more painfully than it ever did. The feeling was the same. I felt my blood boil, fire literally travelling through my veins, poisioning every inch of my body. It made its way to my heart, filled with gasoline. And the impact, the meeting, it caused an explotion. I pressed my hand directly over my chest. My heart was beating so fast, like it wanted to escape. For a moment, just a split second, when I was weak in breath and looking to survive, I could feel it stop.

That moment, the moment that always happens when it hurts, because the pain is too much, feels like dying. And if your heart stops, you die. Was I dead? Then why did my heart kept beating afterwards? The answer was simple. I was slowly dying because it was slowly killing me. One missed heart beat at a time.

I gulped. I knew I had to do something. Say something at the very least. But what? What did I really need to say? "Hey." The word was empty. And when I tried to make it better, nothing else came out and I wondered why.

And the force, the energy radiating from these tombstones, it was more than I could stand. And so I felt upon my knees. And still, I couldn't say anything. So I remain silent, because whatever artificial conversation I was about to have, it would only make things worst. I needed to speak with nothing but the truth. If I hadn't been able to do that when my mother was alive, I was sure as hell going to do it now.

Easier said than done. There was something that kept the words attached to my throat. And I realized then why I had come here. I laid between the two stones, feeling the wet grass around my body and the icing air.

The truth was there. The honesty had been lost. I closed my eyes. Perhaps if I thought of it in a concious manner, I wouldn't know what the hell I was doing, but because I wasn't, I shut down reason and let my soul decide.

My mind traveled through my memories. I had to find the moment honesty had been lost.

_November 21__st__, 1961_

_The first hints of winter where around the corner and Kitty could see them with gentle eyes. Today she was turning thirteen. She was officially a teenager, which came as a relief since she had been using the excuse to explain her sudden and uncontrollable mood swings. She was sitting at the side of her bed, with her arms around her knees and contemplating the world outside the sanctity of her room. _

_And she tried to reach for it, because it was inviting. But as close as she got when she touched the window, one word abruptly pulled her back. "Kitty!" She sighed. One of this days she would change her name, to one that wasn't so used up for being called on so much. _

_She walked out of her room into the living room. Her grandmother, live and in stereo at sixty-one, stood at the doorway with her mother at one side and her father, surprised and uncomfortable, in the other. Who the hell had invited the woman? She stood there for a moment in silence. "Well, KitKat, aren't you going to greet your grandmother?" Her mom said. As much as she would've loved to yell 'no' and kick the old woman out, she gave in to her mother's deadly stare. _

"_Good manners isn't the only thing this girl needs to correct." The lady said. And you wonder why Kitty didn't like her. "Hello, Grandma." She said kissing her in the cheek and giving her a small hug. _

_Then the boys came and they weren't sharply accused of their actions as they stood there with painful faces at the sight of the devil. No, because boys will be boys and they where always good. Or as good as could be expected. It annoyed the hell out of Kit. _

_Mr. Curtis led the old crow to the table and sat her at the other end. Kit always wondered why Grandma, who was merely a guest, had to sit in Mom's place. She could sit anywhere else like the rest of the world did. But she figured the devil gets more for old than for being the devil. _

_Dinner was quiet or at least that's the way Kit would've loved it to be. Grandma Wright kept on babbling about irrelevant shit. She looked around for a moment and met Darry's desperate need for an exit expression and Soda's vulnerability. At least she wasn't alone in the Louise Wright Must Die plot and she was glad no one was talking or referring to her._

_That lasted until the cake was served and Grandma had her tea. _

_Reason number one for putting up with her was simple. She gave amazing gifts. But as she took out three wrapped packages, Kitty realized in shock, none where for her. She gritted her teeth silently. _

"_Sarah dear, I have some news that might not be appropriate for the occasion, but are certainly important." Sarah looked at her mother with concern as she set the tea on the table and rested her palm on top of hers. "Kitty won't mind, right darling?" Kitty shook her head because even if she acknowledge the fact that today was _her_ day she would be yelled at. It wasn't a fight worth fighting._

"_The doctors, they think they found something, in my lungs." Needless to say, Sarah was the only one that showed actual concern, maybe by a slim chance Darrel Sr., but just a slim chance. "Mother, are you dying?" Louise chuckled nervously. "I don't dwell on it, darling. But, I know I'm not going to be around much. So, as a last wish, I would like to take Kitty in for proper education."_

_Talk about strong statements. Kitty froze; because of course she wasn't fine with it. Take her in for "proper education"? What the hell was that supposed to mean? She was fine with the education she was given. Public schools had good level education. Maybe this was it. Maybe the old crow had finally lost it. And if her mother agreed, maybe she had lost it too._

"_Of course, Mother. Anything for you." What? "Wait a minute, Louise." And there came daddy to the rescue. "You're asking to take my daughter away?" "Certainly not, Darrel. What I'm merely suggesting is that Kitty spends the weekends with me to educate her." "Educate her in what sense?" "Well, look at her. Take a good look at her." And everyone stared at Kit who just wanted to sink in her seat and die. And then the bitch kept talking. _

"_Women have to learn their place in society in order to climb through it. Kitty has basic standard education but what's missing, something that out to be taught at home, is the sense of etiquette. Darrel, your daughter has turned thirteen, she's quickly becoming a woman. I merely want to make sure she becomes the right kind of woman. Just like I did with my daughter, just like my mother did with me and so on and so forth."_

_Well, the only thing the old crow forgot to say was that Kitty was trash, but the message was well delivered. _

_Kitty __prayed__ begged to whatever unseen force there was that someone would talk some sense into the adults and get her out of having to do this. She looked around giving everyone the most vulnerable look she could manage. They couldn't do it. They just couldn't._

"_My Kitty, a woman?" Mr. Curtis said and Kit knew she had lost them. _

_

* * *

_

_Spending a day with her grandmother was bearable. She could do it. But spending an entire weekend and some more after that was complete and absolute torture. What kind of cruel and unusual punishment was this?_

_It was Saturday afternoon. Saturday December 16__th__. Four weeks had passed. Four weekends. And she just wanted to die. _

_It was like this complete brainwash over everything Kit had once stood for. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't fight against the Wright Girls. So she had give in, just to get them off her back. And even so, she couldn't please them. Everything they asked her to do, like learn how to manage to vacuum and read at the same time or do the housework and still look fabulous and fully energized, she just couldn't do it. What could she say? She wasn't cut out for it and she didn't like it._

_So as she sat at the dinner table perfectly straight she watched the disapproving glances from her grandmother. She wouldn't really care if her mother wasn't sitting at the other end of the table pretending she was oblivious to the obvious._

_The discussion didn't come until later. When both the adults thought the kid was in her room, preparing for bedtime. _

_It's not polite to snoop around. _

_It's not polite to talk about someone behind their back either._

_Kit was silent, cautiously making sure no one could hear her as she placed her head against the wall and watched through the small creek of the door. _

"_Sarah, it is not my pleasure to tell you, I think your daughter is a _feminist_." Louise cringed at the word, like the mere pronunciation burned through her mouth._

_Sarah stared at her mother, indignant. "Mother, I am quite positive my daughter is not a _feminist_." The word came out the same way. _

"_Well, we must certainly hope she's not. You know how such thing is viewed, especially here in the South." Sarah lowered her head slightly. She knew what her mother was referring to. With such liberal ideas, one was victim to question whether their comfortable way of life would continue to prevail. _

_Louise sighed as she took a step closer to her daughter. She placed a warm hand on her shoulder. "Sarah, you know better than anyone that a woman has to earn her place in society. Believe me; you don't want Kitty to learn the other way. You don't want to have to deal with the consequences of her actions. Took me years to clear our name after your acts of rebellion." _

_There was a long pause as doubt hang in the air. Sarah wasn't sure what to expect because her mother had one last breath in her. "But not here and not with me." Sarah stared incredulous. What?_

"_I'm sorry, Sarah, but I give up. It's been four weeks and your daughter hasn't managed to comply with simple housework. I tried hard, like I did with you, but her, she is simply hopeless."_

"_C'mon, Mother. I know Kitty is not exactly a rose petal, but she can't be _that_ bad."_

_But their expressions betrayed both of them. _

"_Well. Either way, I believe an institution would straighten her up. You understand, don't you? Preferably one that can deal with a… _greaser_." _

_That was the first time her grandmother referred to Kit by her social status. It was also the first time her mother realized what she was. And though the word made them cringed, Sarah used it because she couldn't break through her daughter._

_Kit leaned against the wall. She had heard enough._

_

* * *

_

_It's hard to distract yourself when there are so many things haunting your mind. There was a knock on the door. Kitty ignored it. There was another. Kitty didn't really care. Three times now. Kitty simply placed her clothes on a drawer. Finally the door opened. Kitty sighed._

"_You realize that when someone knocks on your door, you answer, right? Or are you oblivious to that too?" Kitty cringed but let it slip. "Yes, I do realize that. I simply didn't want to talk to you." Sarah frowned at her daughter's comment and folded her arms. "I'm your mother, if I want to talk to you, you listen. If I want you to do something, you obey." Kitty scoffed. "Of course I should."_

_The sarcastic tone was the first fire. Sarah shifted her weight. _

"_What's that supposed to mean?" Kitty, who had been avoiding her mother's fierce eyes, stood in front of a vanity looking down. She sighed. Was she really brave enough to admit the truth? Would the truth really set her free? Or would it chain her up in guilt and regret? _

"_Well, are you going to answer me or not?" There was a brief pause. "You know Kitty, I didn't raise you that bad. I would have expected you to have a better sense of what's right and what's not." _

_There is a moment, very brief and very certain, in which a person's words, even the remain unspoken, stick to you like hungry leaches and suck every ounce of calm and peace within you. That moment is the preview to a sure breakdown. _

_And Sarah didn't realize that._

"_Would you stop it!" Kitty turned around so quickly and with such force that the furniture behind her trembled looking for balance. "I am so freaking tired of you telling me what's right and what's not. I'm not a little kid anymore, okay? I know how to make my own choices." _

_To say that Sarah was surprised seems inadequate. Kitty was many things, but she never talked back. At least, until now. _

"_I heard you! I heard you and Grandma talking about me!" "You eavesdropped on our conversation? KitKat! That is extremely inappropriate!" Kit couldn't, she wouldn't stand words like 'rude' or 'inappropriate' or 'inadequate' no more. She was done with them._

_So it was only natural that in a fight you know you may not win, you still give your best shot. _

"_Oh, so it's okay for you to accuse me of eavesdropping but it's not okay for me to accuse you of wanting to change me!" "Well of course I want to change you, KitKat! You're a woman for god sakes! You have no proper education or a remote sense of what is expected from you!" _

_When you fight fire with fire all you get is burned._

"_See, that's the problem! I'm sick and tired of your so-called expectations! I can't be the person you want me to be, Mom. I don't want to! I want to be able to own my life. Be able to make my own choices. Make something out of myself. Call me a feminist or whatever, but I can't just sit around pretending to be this perfect little housewife and kiss some man's feet!"_

_There is another moment, when you're unsure whether the clouds that hang above your head will burst or settle, that the most frightening and dangerous decision is made. When you give up on someone. _

_Sarah took a step back. She relaxed her glare and her shoulders. She stared at her daughter but she wasn't able to see more than just the color of her eyes. She wasn't sure what to believe. What side she should lean on or what to say. She knew her mother was right. But a part of her also knew that her daughter was right. Torn between two sides._

_So she did what she did best and let the choice be made for her. Because when it came down to it, even at her thirty-seven years, she believed her mother knew who she was better than she knew herself. _

"_Your grandmother was right." She said. It was very polite and very distant. With those final words, Sarah turned around and left. _

_Kitty sighed. What her parents didn't seem to understand is that she only wanted to step outside those four walls they had so fiercely placed upon her. What was about being herself that was so forbidden? Kitty had always sensed a mystery in freedom._

_

* * *

_

I opened my eyes in a raging coughing fit. It took me a moment to realize where I was. I leaned forward as I placed my hand over my chest. That cold was really starting to kick in and why shouldn't it? It was freezing cold and I was lying on humid grass.

I sighed. How long had I been asleep? What time was it? Would Darrel be home by now? Would he be mad? Would he yell? Why the hell had I not brought a freaking watch? But I turned to look at the sky, around me, and I figured well, it couldn't be past one o'clock. And if it did turn out someone was at home waiting for me, it would just be Ponyboy and it wasn't like I couldn't bribe him to keep his trap shut.

So I stood up and turned to look one more time at the tombstones. A part of me wished so much I hadn't remember. The truth didn't help. It just made things worst.

I turned around. I couldn't deal with it. She was right. I couldn't make her proud. I never could. It all started with that stupid birthday and my grandmother's wet dreams. And I let her ruin it. And I let her hurt me. And what's worst, I didn't do anything about it. And now, all that was finally catching up with me.

And then there's those people who run as far as they can so they don't have to deal with themselves.


	11. You Should've Seen Our Parents

**Chapter Eleven**

_**You Should've Seen Our Parents**_

_Tulsa, Oklahoma, 1941_

"Sarah? Sarah!" Sarah turned around to glance at her mother. "Dear child, how many times do I have to call your name?" The girl bowed her head slightly. "I'm sorry, Mother. I wasn't paying attention." Louise Wright eyed her daughter for a second. "I can see that. Now go clean yourself up, your father will be home any moment." The girl nodded, finished her chores in the kitchen and walked towards her room.

She let go of a deep breath as she closed the door behind her. How would she ever tell them? She sat down at the edge of her bed and took out an envelop from her purse. It was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Royce Wright. She didn't bother to open it. Though peeking through her parents' things was absolutely prohibited, not that she really followed that particular rule; she already knew what it said.

She sighed and wondered how much trouble she would get in. She hurried up to change from her school uniform into dinner clothes. Then the door opened and her mother greeted her father.

She walked out of her room and silently kissed her father on the cheek. She would wait after dinner, when Royce would relax and read the paper and her mother would knit. But what if she chickened out at the last minute? The sooner she got it over with the better.

The table was silent and Sarah stared at the empty place right in front of her. Her brother. Oh how she missed him. His gift for conversation wasn't the only thing she so desperately desired. He would know what to do. He would grant her good advice. He would get their parents off her back.

But he was gone. And though he was still alive, because no letter had arrived, it felt like she had lost him forever. War was a subject that was frequently conversed at her table. Everyone was just so proud of Kenneth and the way he was serving his country. Sarah just hoped he would make it alive.

"Sarah, darling, you haven't touched your food." Her mother spoke. Well, it was a good thing to know that she acknowledge her presence.

Sarah sighed as she gently placed the fork at the side of the plate. She turned to look at her parents as she made herself comfortable. "Mother, Father, I have to tell you something." Her parents turned to look at her with concern.

"I- I, uh- I've been-" "You've been expelled." Royce finished for his daughter. Sarah turned to look at him, terrified and confused. _What?_ _He knew? How could he?_ Royce chuckled. He read Sarah's face clearly.

Clearing his throat he added, "I received a letter this morning from your Headmaster." Sarah's expression relaxed, just slightly, letting her guard down would be unwise.

It was a relieved feeling, to know that she didn't have to say the words out loud. But that didn't mean the situation was any less difficult. "But I wrote to him, explained the situation at home." Royce quickly added. "I discussed with him how it's been difficult for you; with your brother gone and your new responsibilities. So we agreed to revoke your expulsion. You will go back to school first thing on Monday. You will have to work though, to pay for your antics and I hope I never hear of it again. Do you understand?"

Sarah couldn't turn to look at him. She didn't want to look at him. Her face portrayed slight anger and perhaps a bit of rage.

Didn't they understand? Did no one understand? Her behavior, the things she had done, her attitude, it was all planned. She had _intended_ for it to happen. She had _wanted_ to get expelled. Her parents had sent her to an all-girls school to be educated, when all she really wanted was to step outside those doors.

She wanted to see what was outside. She wanted to explore. She wanted to see. All she had ever wanted was to feel free. She wanted to feel how things don't always fall together and how they don't always have to be a certain way. She wanted to dare to be different. She wanted to do things she had only done in her dreams.

"Yes, Father."

But all she got was a slap on the face and no key to her handcuffs.

That night, Sarah lay on her bed silently. She didn't know what time it was, she just heard the sound of slow hands moving in tickling sounds around the clock. Every tick marked the time wasted. Time she could be spending on some remote corner of the planet.

That Saturday morning was the same as any other Saturday morning. Sarah woke up, the warm golden sun rays caressing her face, took a shower, got dressed, fixed her natural appearance, ate her breakfast, and got ready for the usual morning chores.

And just like any Saturday Sarah would wait by the door for the mail man to arrive. Just like any other Saturday, Sarah would hear from her brother. Just like any other Saturday, Kenneth Wright, would be standing firm as he fought for his country.

But this was not like any other Saturday.

"'Morning, Miss Wright." George Kirk smiled at the young girl as he handed her the small stack of envelopes. "Thank you, Mr. Kirk." Sarah said. With a small nod from his hat, Sarah turned around and hurried towards the house.

She browsed through the stack, yearning to find Kenneth's handwriting on a white envelope. But what she found was no white, but a yellow, addressed to the Wright Family.

Sarah's whole body suddenly stopped.

She didn't need to rip it open to know what it would say. Yet, she still did. Because she needed to know. She didn't care she opened the letter without her parent's approval, she just had to know. And as she read through the scribbled words, a handwriting that certainly took it's time, Sarah felt how little by little her world fell apart.

If it has never happened to you, then you got no idea how it feels.

And when Sarah read what she needed to read. When she understood what she needed to understand. And when she got the reassurance to her greatest fear, she ran.

"Sarah, dear, what took you so long?" "Here's the mail, Mother." She handed her the stack and quickly avoid her gaze.

"What's that you're holding?" The voice was merely an echo. A sound in the distance. "Was that letter addressed to you, Sarah?" "No." "Haven't I told you it is disrespectful to browse through things that don't belong to you? You have no business going through your Father's correspondence. Give it back."

Sarah closed her eyes for a second and shook her head. "No."

"What was that?" The voice was closer now, breathing almost into her ears. "You see why we send you to school? Why it is vital that you get proper education? To correct this attitude you've come so fond of."

"I'm not going back there." Sarah opened her eyes, but her expression was far away. She was already gone.

"Royce!" And then Royce stood up from the sofa where he had comfortably read the news and enjoyed the scene. "Young lady, you do not talk to your mother like that. Do you understand?"

"I'm not going back there." Sarah repeated. Her voice was empty, heavy, and indifferent.

"You will do what I say and that's an order!" And if to add to his command, Royce hit his daughter right across the face. A slap on the face. Because they rather enforce their power than to see and understand what was truly going on.

That was the moment Sarah snapped. That was the moment she truly left. That was the moment she decided she wanted nothing to do with her parents.

She screamed as she moved away from her father's radius. She placed a hand over she swollen cheek.

"Obey you? Obey _you_?" Her fingers, her hands, her arms, her neck, her voice, everything was shaking. Shaking with rage and sadness and confusion and anger.

Her father was struck dumb. He had never thought her daughter would be brave enough to stand up to him. And he didn't like it. But Sarah didn't care.

"Kenneth obeyed _you_ and it got him killed!"

And with that the letter that Sarah had been squeezing between her fingers, trying to hold on to whatever was left of her brother, was thrown across the room, and it landed all wrinkled on the floor, by her father's feet. And Sarah ran out the door.

It didn't matter that they leaned down to read the yellow paper, it didn't matter that Louise cried in pain, it didn't even matter when Royce called his daughter and tried to look for her. Sarah was gone.

* * *

_I should've taken the car._ Sarah thought as she reached the town's limit. _But then again, I did not think this through. It's not like I woke up and decided to run away. _

When she finally reached a gas station, her feet were swollen. She looked through her pocket, yearning to find some money.

"Hey miss! Look out!" But before she could make sense that the words were meant to her, the car was too close to move away. She closed her eyes and tried to shield herself from whatever impact she might encounter with. But her hands waited and waited, raised towards the moving car to feel it.

No car came.

"Miss, are you okay?" Someone shook her gently. When Sarah opened her eyes another pair that looked like two pieces of dark brown stared at her. They were lively, dancing, recklessly laughing eyes. They were the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen.

She hadn't realized she was shaking until she opened her mouth. "No, I'm- I'm- I'm fine." Then the dark brown eyes, as if it was even possible, twinkled as the boy smiled and she could feel every inch of her body electrify like a live wire.

"What's your name?" The stranger asked. Sarah had never had a particular interest in boys. But this boy was different. He was around six feet tall, lean but still muscular. He had dark-brown hair that kicked out front but was perfectly combed in the back. Sarah felt like she could stare at him for the rest of her life and never lose interest in his finely drawn face and sensitive features. It was like having a boy's face in a man's body.

"Sarah." The word came out on its own. No last name or nickname. Just one word that described her body, her face, her features, her personality, her history, her likes and dislikes, her fears, her desires, and her dreams. Just one word. Her name.

The boy's smile grew even wider as he took her hand and gently kissed her palm. "Well Sarah, I'm sorry I almost ran you over with my car." He said kissing once more the palm of her hand. "My name's Darrel, Darry to my friends. If you need a ride or anything I'm at your service."

Darry winked at her and turned towards the gas pumps. Sarah argued with herself for a moment. She could reject the offer and follow her mother's advice and not get into a stranger's car or she could do what her heart wanted and ride with the handsome stranger. After all, how often does she get to break the rules?

"Um, Darry?" She asked as she took a step closer to him. He turned around and smiled at her, nodded for her to continue. "Actually, I think there is one thing you could do for me."

Route 75 was nothing special, the car was nothing special, but the mere thought that she was doing something for herself had adrenaline filtering all over her body.

_This is what it must feel like to be free._

"So where shall we go?" Darry asked. They had just started driving, taking the road going south, but the actual destination hadn't really been discussed. It seemed so unimportant when they started getting to know each other. It was weird to explain, really. It was something you just felt. Like an instant connection with someone, even if it's someone you just met.

Sarah squeezed the letter slightly, the one folded inside her skirt pockets, the one she had found behind the yellow envelope, the one that was addressed to her, the one she had hidden within her robes before stepping inside her house, the one that no one knew about.

"Oklahoma City." She said turning to look at him. "Really?" He asked. God his smile was gorgeous. "Well, you're in luck little lady, because I was going there too." He tried to follow her gaze, see if he could figure out more about her. Something that could only be hidden in her being. "Have any business to attend to there?"

"Yes and no." Sarah rested her hand on her lap, protecting the letter from exposure. "Oh, so mysterious now, aren't you?" "Totally." She said with an angelic smile. "So you're really not going to tell me." "Well, if you tell me something about yourself then I might change my mind."

"Something about me, let's see." Darry sighed, as he got comfortable in the seat and placed one hand over the steering wheel. "I am an only child, sometimes I feel like I'm older, 21, I uh work at a lumber business, I want to see the world, the farthest I ever been is to London, and I hope to find a girl who has the same sense of adventure as I do."

Sarah turned away for a second. She felt her pale skins turn a bright red. For a moment she could've swore he was talking about her. _A girl with the same sense of adventure as I do_. But then again the only thing adventurous she'd ever done was hitchhike with a complete stranger. This boy didn't know who she was. She wasn't even sure if he would still like her if he did. But she took a chance because silence is sometimes worst than the truth.

"All right, you convinced me." Sarah said pulling her soft blonde curls behind her ear. "I am meeting someone very dear to me there." She said. Her eyes pulled away and out her window. _Meeting someone who won't come…_

"Is he like your boyfriend or something?" Darry's smile was starting to fade. The thought that there might be someone else in the picture slowly crushed his hopes. Sarah turned and stared at him intensely. "How did you know it was a he?" She asked.

Darry shrugged. "Just supposition, I guess. I kind of figured by the way you said it. 'Someone very dear to me.' There is nothing left to work with." Sarah chuckled. "You don't have to worry about that." She said. Maybe if she had more experience with boys she would've noticed that the look of concern in Darry's face wasn't really about stepping in someone's toes but rather knowing he might not be able to win her over.

"He's just a friend." She neglected to use the word 'brother'. All those details would just make it feel _real._

And as they got closer to the ultimate destination, they kept talking.

Darrel told Sarah all kinds of stories about his childhood. How he was brought up by a humble family in the country. How extremely dull he saw a farmer's life. How he convinced his parents to let him move out to the city. How he was gonna make it out there, no matter what the cost was.

With every story Sarah felt more distanced from her home life than ever. She was right. There was a brand new world out there. And she still couldn't understand what was about it that was so forbidden.

Darry definitely could not know the truth. So she kept it from him and hoped for the best.

It was almost eight o'clock when they entered town.

"We're here." Darry announced.

Sarah looked out her window. She'd never been to the state capital before. Hell, she'd never been as far as a step outside Tulsa. Everything, regardless of the importance, was completely new and inviting. So much to see, so much to touch, so much to discover. Like a little kid on her first trip to the zoo.

"A friend of mine is having a party a few blocks away from here. If you don't have anywhere else to stay, I might convince him to let us crash for the night. If that's okay with you of course?"

Sarah hadn't realized the question was for her until she noticed the patient silence and turned to look at Darry.

"Oh, yeah. I mean, I don't have anywhere else to be so that be great." Darry smiled as he turned the wheel and headed for James Winston's place.

It wasn't a big house, slightly smaller than her own, and the fact that there was more than a dozen people crumpled together inside it made it seem like the walls where closing in. It gave Sarah a feeling of dashing for the door.

But the atmosphere was astonishing, unlike anything she had ever seen before. People were dancing, talking and laughing. Girls were flirting with guys, and if the mere thought seemed impossible, some were kissing, like really kissing. Not a small touch on the cheek but rather with their tongues down their throats. Sarah wondered what her mother would think of such behavior.

Back in her world Sarah only knew one type of social event. Boys and girls were different people. Different species that would only interact in the presence of an adult. Speak when spoken to. And act as if the mere gesture of a stare needed to be earned.

Screw that! Sarah would live and die in this place if she could.

Darry led her through the crowds of teenagers till he stopped in front of a guy with shiny golden hair. He tapped on his shoulder once and the golden haired guy's eyes lit up when he saw him.

"Darrel! My man, long time no see." He said hugging each other with a gentle pat on the back. "What brings you to my town?" Darry chuckled and stepped to his side as if to show him his prize.

"James, this little lady is Sarah Wright. Sarah, this devil is my long-lost and recently found brother, James Winston." James smiled as he eyed Sarah up and down. He stepped closer and kissed her hand gently. "Pleasure is all mine." He said winking at her. Sarah couldn't help but smile at James's natural charisma.

"James here wants to be a doctor, but I tell him that that dream is a long shot. He faints every time someone gets a paper cut." Darry said patting his shoulders, before turning to talk to some people. "Is he always like that?" Sarah asked. James nodded. "Yeah, all the time."

They where silent for a second. Until Sarah turned to look up at him. "You know James, if you want to be a doctor you shouldn't let anything or anyone get in your way." She said. For the first time all night, James looked Sarah deep into her eyes. He smiled. "You're right."

But then James turned away from her. Sarah followed his gaze. A tall girl with long curly brown hair and soft brown big eyes. But what captured James attention, as the girl walked by, and what had Sarah intrigued was her smile. A lovely smile. The sort of smile that could light a whole room. From ear to ear.

"Excuse me." James said as he made his way through the crowd to follow the girl with the radiant smile.

Sarah sighed. Darrel had disappeared somewhere buried in the crowds. Probably greeting his friends. She couldn't help but feel a little out of place. Back home she had plenty of friends, but none of her relationships could ever feel to what she could feel here. A sense of family. In a moment of sadness, Sarah made her way to find the bathroom.

When she closed the door behind her, she was surprised to see someone was already in there, with no door locked. "Hey." It was the girl with the radiant smile. Sarah wasn't sure if she should just leave. But before she could turn around, the girl spoke again. "It's okay, you don't have to leave. I was just hiding from someone." Sarah turned around and frowned for a moment.

"Someone?" She asked. The girl chuckled. "Yeah. James Winston. He's charming and all but sometimes he overdoes it. Which is exactly how he got me to become his girlfriend." She said smiling to herself. Then she turned to look at her. "You know him?" Sarah shook her head. "Just barely." She said. The girl nodded before standing up. "I'm Josephine Mayfield. And you are?" She said searching for a name. "Sarah Wright." Sarah said trying to ignore the awkward moment Josephine seemed so oblivious too.

"So you're Sarah. I heard Darry had brought a new girl, but I had no idea he'd be fishing that pond." She said looking Sarah over. Sarah frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?" She said a little bit too harsh. In all her seventeen years, Sarah had never been judged for being the refined young lady her mother had so tirelessly shaped her to be. She wasn't sure if in a place like this it could be held against her.

But Josephine didn't seem to mind. "I meant that we better find you something else to wear. C'mon, follow me."

When you enter a whole different world, you often find yourself sank too deep that you forget where you come from. Sarah was different. She had different clothes, different makeup and her hair was no longer so bored and tamed.

She would've danced and danced, and drank and drank forever.

"You are amazing, you know that?" Darry said as he placed a string of gold hair behind her ear. The music had suddenly slowed. Sarah had lost track of the time. She couldn't recall how she had landed on his arms.

She scoffed. "Me? Amazing? Please." She said as she finished yet another glass. Darry smiled. "I'm serious." But Sarah scoffed yet once more. "I'm nothing compared to you. I mean, you've been out there. You've seen the world." Darry nodded slowly. He took her hands and slowly kissed them softly. "That means little when you don't have anyone to share it with."

Sarah didn't know what to make of this gesture. They locked eyes. For a moment, Sarah was completely exposed. She wrapped her arms around her shoulders, leaned in and whispered on his ear. "Make love to me." She let him in.

Sarah had never experienced anything more beautiful, or mysterious or utterly amazing. After, they had started talking and she shared with him things she had never told anyone. She fell asleep with her head resting on his shoulders.

When Darry woke up the next day, he gazed at her. She was so beautiful and peaceful. He caressed her cheek softly and Sarah moved slowly. Not wanting to wake her up, he stopped. But then he heard a wrinkling sound and he saw an enveloped folded in two, hidden underneath her. He reached for it carefully. It was directed to Sarah but he opened it anyway.

_My dearest sister,_

_I miss you. More with each passing day. I wish I could hold you in my arms and never let you go. _

_I've been meaning to tell you, and I ask that you stay calm. Listen to my voice as you read carefully. Things have not been going well. The Germans are gaining territory and they're slowly closing in. _

_I'm not well. I don't want to worry you with details, so I'll limit myself. There is the possibility that I may not return. _

_Now, hang on. The doctors are unsure of my condition, but they're doing the best they can. They are sending me home. To a hospital in Oklahoma City. I will meet you there. Sunday afternoon. Downtown. On the main park. Wait for me there. And I will have returned home, finally._

_You are an amazing young lady, Sarah. Never forget that._

_All my love,_

_Your brother. _

Sarah woke up slowly. "Hey." She said as she looked up at Darry. "Good morning." He said gently as he kissed the top of her head. The enveloped now laid on top of the night table. "I'll go make us some breakfast."

Sarah sighed happily as she lay in bed. Last night had been the best night of her life. She had explored a new side to life. For the first time she had felt completely and utterly free.

She stood up and walked to the bathroom. For the first time, when she gazed at her expression in the mirror, she saw happiness. Pure and true happiness. Nothing could take that away from her… Or so she thought.

After she showered, she noticed a pile of clothes lying on top of the bathroom seat. _"For good luck. –J" _She smiled at Josephine's gestured and tried on the pile without a question. After she was good to go, she walked over to the kitchen, where James was making pancakes, while Darry and Josephine laughed about something they read on the papers.

"Good morning, sleepyhead!" Josephine said with a smile. "I hope you had a nice dream." Darry turned to look at her and she blew him a kiss. Sarah could feel her face flush. "I did." She said shyly. Josephine grinned and turned towards Darry. Then she walked over to James and wrapped her arms around him.

"Thanks for the clothes, Josephine." Sarah added. "Please, call me Jo, and it was my pleasure." She said between kisses. Sarah chuckled. When she looked up, she noticed Darry smiling at her. She could feel a small twist inside her stomach. "So," He said. "What should we do today?"

It had seemed as though Sarah had spent already spent days. She had come to know them over the course of a few hours in ways she couldn't explain. They were different people. The way Jo kissed James passionately, without the slightest fear or hope for gaining someone's approval. The way Darry played around, being himself, saying what was on his mind, without caring who heard or agreed.

That must be what being free must be like. But Sarah couldn't help but feel a little hunch. There was a small place in her heart that wished to go home. Just giving up everything she had known seemed scary. It was a part of her. It would always be, no matter how far she ran from it.

And yet, somehow that didn't matter, because being with Darry, and Jo and James, she had finally found where she belonged.

She had almost forgotten what she had come to Oklahoma to do.

"I say, we got get some ice-cream." Darry said as the four of them walked out of the movie house. "I say, what are we waiting for?" Jo added in response. James cheered in agreement, but Sarah stood still for a moment. She looked over at the clock tower, far off in the distance, and gasped for breath. She needed to go.

When she didn't follow, Darry turned around to look at her. He noticed the expression of worry in her face. "Sarah, are you okay?" He asked. Sarah turned to look at him as she quickly faded her expression with a smile. "Yeah," She said softly. "But I can't go with you." Darry frowned. "Why not?"

Sarah turned to look over at the clock tower. "Remember how I told you I came to meet someone? He's waiting for me at a park, downtown. I have to go." But before she could turn and leave, Darry held on to her. "You can't leave. C'mon Sarah, this place has the best ice-cream! You have to come with me." He insisted. So far he had done a great job at distracting her, keeping her as far away from that park as possible. He wasn't sure what he was protecting from, but he was doing it.

Sarah frowned and snatched her arm from him. "I have to go." She said seriously. Every trace of innocence had vanished from her face. She stared deeply into Darry's eyes. She meant it. And when Darry realized nothing would change her mind, he sighed. "Fine, I'll go with you." And they both left.

Darry seemed uneasy. He should've never read that letter. He should've just left it there, untouched. Otherwise he wouldn't be waiting anxiously. He couldn't help feeling, as Sarah waited at the center of the park that he was setting her up for great disappointment. He knew that Sarah's brother wouldn't arrive. But he wasn't sure how to tell her. And every second that passed by just seemed to raise the stakes.

"Sarah." He said for the first time in the past two hours. "Sarah." He repeated again as he walked closer to her. "No, I know he'll come. He told me he'll come. He's just late. He'll come." Sarah repeated. Darry sighed and against his will, he let her wait.

But as the seconds kept ticking, and Sarah kept waiting, and it was getting darker, he wasn't sure how much longer he'll be able to stand it. "Sarah, it's been over three hours." But Sarah didn't listen. "Sarah, please." He said as he stood next to her. "No Darry, he's coming. I got his letter. He told me he's coming." But the way her voice sounded, it almost seemed as though she was trying to believe herself.

"No." Darry said finally. "No." He said again, louder. Sarah turned to look at him. "What?" Darry shook his head. "I said no. He's _not _coming." He let the word hang. Sarah frowned. "What?" She asked again. She couldn't believe it. "I said he's not coming."

Sarah chuckled. She turned away from him. "Oh, so you think he's not coming? That makes perfect sense because he's your brother and you've spent your whole life with him and he's your best friend and-" Sarah stopped. She took deep breaths. Darry took a step closer to her and placed his hand over her shoulder. And she snapped.

"You have no idea what you're talking about!" Sarah yelled at him, pushing him backwards. "My brother is coming! He has to!" She was punching him. Her knuckles were so clenched they were white. Darry grabbed her shoulders to try to calm her but she just kept yelling. Until eventually as he forced pressure, she stopped. "He promised he would come back."

Suddenly, her screams had faded into tears. Darry hugged her. He held her close as she cried. "I can't believe he's dead. I just-" She sniffled. "I miss him so much." Darry just nod his head. "I know." He whispered softly. "I know."

They hugged for a good five minutes. Enough time for a shadow in the distance to walk over to them.

"Darrel Curtis?" The figure said. Darry turned his attention towards the voice. It was a policeman. Sarah stopped crying as she realized who it was too. "Yeah." Darry said frowning. "Oklahoma police, you're under arrest for fraud and embezzlement." Sarah eye's lit up. _What? _

"There has to be a mistake." Sarah pleaded. "Please, you can't just take him like that." The policeman chuckled at Sarah's innocence. "Actually, there is no mistake, young lady. James Winston and Darrel Curtis have been caught guilty of embezzling money from Webster & Sons." He said.

Sarah wasn't sure what he was talking about. She knew what embezzlement and fraud meant but she couldn't figure out why they were arresting them. And right there, in front of her! Sarah grew mad, she launched herself towards the officer, demanding him to release him. She wasn't sure why she was doing it. "I demand you release Darrel right now!" Sarah said.

Darrel turned to look at her. What the hell was she talking about? Did she know that you just don't yell at an cop? Especially since he's arresting your friend? It had him thinking that maybe Sarah was much more clueless about real life than she seemed. He sighed.

When the officer didn't answer her, Sarah grabbed his wrists, trying to get him to release Darrel. She was acting so immaturely but she couldn't really reason why. Maybe because she had just suffered from losing someone, she didn't want that to happen again.

"Miss, please remove your hand. Or I will be forced to bring you downtown too." The officer said. Sarah frowned. "Not until you release him."

They closed the cellar's doors shut. Sarah placed her hands around the bars, but she didn't say anything. Darrel watched her. She had been silent the whole ride. He knew she was angry. The officer had had the brilliant idea of answering Sarah's question as to why they were being detained. You gotta love freedom of speech.

He wasn't sure what to do, but he stood up to try and talk to her. "Sarah?" He asked. Sarah didn't say anything. She just sighed furiously. For a moment, he thought she was going to yell at him, but she did no such thing.

"You lied to me." She said. Her voice was calm and indifferent. He couldn't read her words. There was no emotion on them, but he knew it would be foolish to underestimate her. "Sarah, I didn't-" "Yes! You did!" She interrupted him, turning towards him in a violent manner.

"You told me you owned a lumber business. That you wanted to see the world. That you were 21. Hell, how do you think it made me feel when the officer told me you were 18, huh? And to think that I made love to you…" She looked at him and small tears were forming alongside her eyes. They were almost invisible, but she felt them.

Darrel frowned for a moment, as he understood what was going on. He walked towards her. He wasn't sure why, but he suddenly got defensive. "I never lied to you. I told you I _worked _at a lumber business, that I felt _older_ than I actually was, and yes, I do want to see the world, but guess what Sarah? You need_ money_ for that. Now, I'm sorry that your little fairytale didn't come true and that I'm not the rich, knight in shinning armor that you oh so hoped to stumble across in your attempt to run away from home."

Sarah couldn't believe. Not once had anyone dared talk to her that way, especially not a boy. They had always bowed at her, offering her compliments. They had kissed the top of her hand and treated her like a princess. Her parents had shielded her in a bubble that she had no idea how it was in the real world. She was completely clueless.

"I didn't run away from home." She said quietly, but she wasn't talking to him, not really. "I told you I wanted to go to Oklahoma City to meet my brother. He told me he would meet me there."

"Oh, c'mon Sarah, stop lying to me. We already established that your brother is dead. So correct me if I'm wrong here, but it seems that the only one lying is you. So I didn't tell you everything about me, so what? We had just met!" He said rather loudly. "And you, you ran away from home! It's fine. Everybody does it. And then you found me, and I was your one-way ticket away from there. So stop. Do me a favor and don't pretend like you ever cared about what I said."

Sarah didn't move, although every ounce of her being wanted to slap him across the face. He was right to some extent. He had been her one-way ticket away from Tulsa, but as the road went along, he had also become a vital part of her. He had shown her things she had never imagined. He had shown her that there was so much more outside manners and a two-faced social circle. Maybe she was being naïve, but over the course of those two days, she had actually _fallen in love with him_.

Darrel sighed for a second. "I'm sorry, that was uncalled for." He said. "I don't usually snap at people like that, and I shouldn't have snapped at you. Please forgive me, Sarah. Because, I know it's crazy, but I have actually found myself really liking you."

Sarah stood there for a moment. She didn't say anything. An officer walked up towards them and opened the cellar. "You're free to go. I'm sorry for the misunderstanding." He said.

Sarah didn't answer him. She just turned around and left. She had to find a way home. Her parents must be so worried about her. It was time to go. The ride couldn't last forever.


End file.
